The Bible, you guys, so hot right now. Apparently I am not joking? According to the Paper of Record, the Hollywood Reporter, we are about to see a whole wave (they use the word “flood” because they are geniuses) of movies based on the bible soon.

With half a dozen film projects derived from classic Bible stories in development, it would seem that Hollywood has (amen!) found God. Not since the 1950s, when Paramount and Cecil B. de Mille trotted out a handful of Old Testament tales, has there been so much Good Book on the books. Paramount and New Regency are building the big-budget Noah with Black Swan director Darren Aronofsky; Relativity has Goliath in the works with director Scott Derrickson; Warner Bros. has its controversial Judah Maccabee/Hannukkah movie with Mel Gibson producing (that film is competing with another Maccabee project); Steven Spielberg is considering directing Gods and Kings, a Moses story; and an adaptation of John Milton’s Paradise Lost starring Bradley Cooper as Lucifer is aiming for a January shoot. It’s a veritable flood.

An adaptation of John Milton’s Paradise Lost starring Bradley Cooper as Lucifer? Is it called Oh Perfect, This Is The Best Movie Of All Time Probably? Look, all of these stupid bible projects sound fine, but if you really want to reach the kids these days you’re going to need a vehicle for either Willow or Jaden Smith OR for both of them. So, which bible story should Hollywood adapt 4 today’z youth?

  • The one where Moses is elected Class President and has to help the school fight off aliens.
  • The one where John the Baptist is actually a girl, and also a pop star, and we see what life is like for a pop star.
  • The one where Jonah karate fights the whale. And also there is a pop star.
  • The one where The Book of Job.
  • The one where all of the Israelites have to come together and help the school fight off aliens.
  • The one where Jesus wants to be on a football team but the coach won’t let him but he tries really hard and in the lunchroom at one point the whole school is like “JE-SUS! JE-SUS! JE-SUS!” and Jesus is 9-years-old and his sister is there.

There’s plenty to choose from. Tales as old as time, and all. We just gotta reach these kids and let them know that God loves them, and that they’re not alone even if sometimes they feel like they are, and that if we work together we can keep the aliens out of the schools, and that the soundtrack is available for purchase on iTunes.

Comments (39)
  1. The Book Of Xenu.

  2. How about The Battle of Gibeah?


    “In the morning the Levite found his dead concubine at the door and butchered her into twelve pieces and sent the pieces throughout all of Israel.”

  3. The one where Jesus turns the water into Capri Sun and the kids win their battle to turn the dilapidated town pool into a skate park.

  4. The one where Joseph tries to ask Mary to the Spring Fling and totally gets cock blocked by The Almighty.

  5. I just noticed that not only does Jayden have his name and image printed on the inside of his jacket, he is also wearing a studded bow-tie. What a baller.Great parenting.

  6. The one where God says to Abraham “kill me a son”, and Abe says “man, you must be puttin’ me on”.

  7. In its defense, if Paradise Lost the film is anything like Paradise Lost the poem, it will be super effective as a sleeping aid.

    See that? YA BURNT, MILTON!

  8. That one where the Willenium ushered in Revelations?

  9. Can’t we just let King Herod kill them all ? I have never advocated child murder before, but I have also never seen a child wearing a leather studded bow-tie before.

  10. The one where Harod kills all the Jewish babbys bcuz he heard there will be a new King of the Jews but this boy lives and his little sister and him become Aramaic pop stars and in 1 of the scenes they play at Jesus’ tomb but then are l8er sent to Rome to play for big cheers

    • I was expecting this comment to be more action based and about car racing, but it turned out to be appear Anti-Semitic.

      Well, there were jews in it. That’s what Anti-Semitic means right? Something with Jews?

  11. The one where Abraham pretends his wife is actually his sister, so she will be raped but he won’t be killed, while they are journeying through an apocryphal wasteland, trying to reach the sea.

  12. The 11th plague of Egypt is a Giant Robot Spider.

  13. The one where they remake Back to the Future (’cause 80′s nostalgia, duh) but they travel back to stop the snake from tempting Adam and Eve, but then eat the fruit themselves so that there can be remake-sequels.

  14. The one where Stephen Baldwin and all of the cop dads from Courageous are the entire cast of The Bible: The Movie.

  15. The story of the tower of Babel. Except instead of all the world’s different languages it’s just me speaking English to someone else who also speaks English but who understands the appeal of Willow and / or Jaden Smith.

  16. Revelationz

  17. The one where Lot blesses the Subway Sandwiches while his Wife and Wife’s creepy sister are turned into motionless pillarsÉ

  18. A remake of The Matrix

  19. Alternately, the one where moses parts Jaden’s hair into those sweet, sweet rows. Later in life, he hears god speak through Willow’s burning tuft.

    Seriously though how styling are those little champs

  20. The one where every religion, without exception, hijacks people’s spirituality for the financial and political gain of the religious leader?

  21. Make a version of “Cain and Abel” starring both the Smith children as dysfunctional siblings. Willow can be Cain and will perform the theme song “I Whip My Glare Back & Forth”.

  22. “Samson and Delilah or: How I Learned to Love my Hair and also Whip it Back and Forth”

  23. The one where Jacob reluctantly becomes the coach of a ragtag youth football team in order to show up his older brother Esau and win the big game, stealing his birthright in the process because family values!

  24. Wait, we’re not going to touch on that mention of a Mel Gibson Hanukkah film? Because YIKES!

  25. I wanna see one where the romans throw christians and jews in the lions den lol (was that gladiator?)

  26. Willow and Jayden ARE Cain and Abel. Please people, this story writes itself!

  27. Pharaoh-No You DINT!

  28. I always liked the Sign of the Cross, although that was more of a Roman Movie then a Bible movie.

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