What is the scariest thing that has ever happened to you? A couple weeks ago, I tied my dog to a parking meter and ran into the bodega to buy a tomato, or whatever, and when I came back out for a split second I thought she was gone. Really, I had just looked the wrong way and in fact she was right where I left her, but for a split second I had an honest-to-God heart attack. Like, if I was not the prime 67-year-old specimen of perfect health that I am today, if I were, say, 10 or even just five years older, then I probably would have died, so intense was the momentary shock. Sooooo, that was pretty scary? I don’t know. I’m not sure that I have a real story. My life is kind of amazing and perfect? And I’m super tough, so nothing scares me? Just kidding. If I get up at night to go to the bathroom in the dark, I have to open the medicine cabinet so that the mirror faces the shower curtain because I am too scared to see some weird dark reflection in the mirror and possibly a monster and/or ghost and/or escaped convict behind me. It’s a fun story because of how much I AM AN ADULT. Still, though, these are just cute little stories compared to Katherine Chloe Cahoon’s Halloween-themed new video about the time she ate dinner with the whole football team in a dorm cafeteria and then was…uh…almost…raped…in the shower? JESUS CHRIST!

The moral of the story is WHAT THE HELL IS EVEN GOING ON HERE?! Happy Halloween? YIIIIIIIIIIIIKES! Stay safe out there, you guys. Be careful around shower cur-TAINs. And learn how to tackle people wearing only a towel? I don’t know! I’m scared! (Thanks for the tip, Lauren.)

Comments (71)
  1. “The Scariest Thing That Happened to Katherine Chloe Cahoon” — least popular apocryphal Dr. Seuss book EVER.

  2. That was surprisingly light-hearted for an attempted rape story.

  3. I’m in public so I can’t watch it now, but I’m imagining a Harpo/Lucy mirror scenario with KCC and Rumer Willis. I know it would creep me the fuck out.

  4. What is the scariest thing that has ever happened to you?

    Depends on what’s happening on the Internet.

  5. “For Hallowe’en, Vice magazine in London asked me to share the scariest thing that has ever happened to me…”

    – reasons to get annoyed by Vice, part 5843

  6. The Grim Raper. Very good and normal Halloween costume idea.

  7. This whole thing is crazy. Like now I kind of think Katherine Chloe Cahoon is a bad ass. And also I think she is kind of psychotic because of how this whole thing ends (“Scare up some fun this halloween?” Really?). And also who chose that music?

  8. That’s right, guys, be safe. ALWAYS bring your cell phone into the shower.

  9. “The moral of this scary story is … scare up some fun this Halloween!”

    I don’t think that should be the moral of your rape story, Katherine Chloe Cahoon.

    • If the moral of your rape story is anything other than “don’t be a rapist,” then I think you’re telling the story wrong.

      • “I don’t know, I enjoyed it”-Roman Polanski

        (are we still making jokes about him? If not, then…..depends what is happening on the internet. Or something like that.)

  10. The scariest thing that has ever happened to me is that I just got super pumped for Katherine Chloe Cahoon.

  11. I’m (now even more) worried about Katherine Chloe Cahoon, you guys.

  12. So I knew this after hours club in Rome, but it was like 80% creepy rapist-type dudes, and you really only went there because it was the only place that was still open. I was there once, and a girl I had met a few times came up to me, because some dudes wanted to take her to another place that was open even LATER, and she didn’t want to go alone and her friends with her wouldn’t go, so I agreed to go with them.

    The place they took us to was really weird. It looked like a brothel, and there were a lot of prostitute-y women there, but they weren’t soliciting anybody, so I really had no idea what the hell was going on. When one came up and told me that she wanted me to go home with her and I only had to pay for the taxi back to her place, I decided to get to the bottom of things. Turns out this was some super-secret weird after hours club for the hookers to go hang out after they were done hooking for the night. But I was with that girl, and we were making the best of our Lynchian situation, so we stayed until they closed, at which point the creeps that brought us there were supposed to drive us home.

    The girl told them where she lived, and then noticed immediately that they weren’t driving in that direction. At all. They also wouldn’t tell us where they WERE going, unlock the doors, or let us out. I was pretty sure they didn’t want me there, so I asked them if they could just let ME out. They pulled over on the side of the road, opened my door, and damn-near pushed me out. Me being the classy gentleman that I am, I had already unbuckled her seatbelt, so I grabbed her hand and pulled her out with me. When they saw that, they tried to start driving so we wouldn’t be able to get out, but it was too late. I was afraid they would come back for us, but I guess it was more trouble than it was worth, because they just kept driving.

    That wasn’t the scariest thing that’s ever happened to me. That was my weirdest birthday EVER.

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  14. “But no one would believe me when I tried to report it to the police because when I talk it sounds like I’m discovering words for the first time”

  15. The scariest thing that has ever happened to me? True Story. This one time I came came home after a long day and found my front door unlocked. When I got inside I heard some drunk chick singing “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” in my bathroom. I grabbed a lamp off the desk and snuck in to see what was going on. As I entered the bathroom this berserk woman wearing nothing but a pink hand towel came flying out of the shower kicking me repeatedly between the legs yelling about how she used to be a cheerleader so she knows karate. I ran to a friends house and called the police, but by the time they arrived she was already gone. I had to break my lease and move a month later because I couldn’t sleep there anymore. It pretty much ruined my life for about a year and a half.

  16. The way she pronounces “cur-TEN” drives me up the wall. It’s worse than nukular.

    • My mother-in-law loves to say “pho-toe” in regard to getting a picture taken. I the opposite of love (the internet might say “indifference” is the word I’m looking for here, but it’s actually “hate”) to hear it. KCC’s pronouncement of curtain makes me feel the same way.

  17. Good thing that music was playing to build anticpation during that awesome story.

  18. He probably just wanted to tell her to stop putting so much emphasis on the second syllable of “curtain.”

  19. So… she took a shower in a dorm that was assumed to be abandoned? Isn’t it very possible that some maintenance guy was trying to figure out that the water was running and then realized someone was still in the dorm? Obviously it could be a creepy maintenance guy or a giant perv, but this doesn’t sound like the usual “I almost got assaulted” stories I hear from much more sane people.

  20. Why did this story require more than one camera?

  21. I can’t wait to hear Courtney Stodden’s tantalizing tales of being tickled by ghoulish ghosts and goblins as she studied and stroked her luscious body in her sexy school girl uniform.

  22. Oh, K-Chlo-Cah. I sincerely hope you bring a friend and one of those little pepper spray keychains with you when you’re off meeting bare chested, over-eager mounds of self-tanner and hair gel that have been cobbled into something vaguely resembling Yuropean earthling men. I’m worried about you, girl!

  23. I’m pretty sure we just found Vanderbilt’s next promo.

  24. ** A couple weeks ago, I tied my dog to a parking meter **

    Umm, we’re Birdie’s friends too, Gabe. You can refer to her by name around us.

  25. ‘How to Meet A European Guy”

    Step 1: Got to Europe
    Step 2: Talk to someone.

    Did it turn out that the person you talked to was a man?
    -No? Try Step 2 again. This is the hard part. Don’t give up.
    -Yes? You Win!

  26. did she even hear the intruder talk? he very well could have been European – thus throwing off her entire platform!

  27. From Gabe’s description, I thought the whole football team tried to rape her. Pretty sure this is the only time “pleasantly surprised” will be my reaction to the story of an attempted rape.

  28. I like to imagine this is an episode of VH1 Storytellers and this is just the preamble to some insane folk song about wise football players.

  29. i didn’t think it was possible, but the cinematography for Katherine’s videos has gotten better! A+. ten out of ten.

  30. I think KCC is sincere. She always seems so happy and positive. A great trait to have.

  31. “It was really scary when I came home one day to find my dad’s body after one of his many attempts to commit suicide finally succeeded. So stay safe out there and have a SPOOKTACULAR Halloween!”

  32. Bathroom mirrors at night are the worst. In my half slumber state I think Killer Bob is leering at me… and it is going on 20 years!

  33. I lived in a very haunted house one summer. Late one night my then-GF saw a man standing behind her in the bathroom mirror, so Gabe is right to be terrified. But also to live in a haunted house is uplifting, because maybe there’s an afterlife? My current building is mildly haunted; I see the ghost in a window sometimes and hear him on the stairs. Of course the moral is, Don’t take any chances!


  35. wow she is looking very i like her and most popular person that’s good .

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