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For years now, we have all assumed that your boyfriend, Guy Fieri, was a perfect gentleman. Excuse me, THE perfect gentleman. Wait, he owns a sushi restaurant chain called Tex Wasabi AND he wears his sunglasses backwards over his peroxided Sonic the Hedgehog hair, and his name is Guy Fieri, and he’s perfect? Lemme at him! That is what you said. “If you like me then I put a ring on me you’re my husband.” That’s your song. But today, comes some sad news about the TRUTH behind the SMOKE AND MIRRORS AND HAIR GEL AND JOHNNY GARLIC’S. Turns out Mr. Perfect is ANYTHING BUT! From the Minneapolis City Pages (via Gawker):
“Anytime any woman mentioned ‘cream,’ Guy went into a sexual riff. When cutting the show, you had to tell the editors to watch Guy’s eye line, because it’s always on breasts.” Fieri also needed protection from homosexuals, or at least advance warning. Early in the show’s run, Page got a phone call from Fieri, who’d just walked out of a restaurant in a huff.
“Guy had decided that the two men running the restaurant were life partners,” Page remembers. “He said, ‘You can’t send me to talk to gay people without warning! Those people weird me out!’” From then on, show researchers were required to note any indications of homosexuality detected during pre-interviews. (Fieri declined to comment for this story through his spokespeople.)
Wait a second, Guy Fieri, THE Guy Fieri, stares at women’s tits and has some problems with gay people? IT JUST DOESN’T ADD UP. We’re probably talking about a different Guy Fieri. Or maybe it’s like one of those body snatching situations where it’s actually an alien who has taken on Guy Fieri’s shape but didn’t bother doing his homework so he doesn’t realize how completely UNLIKE Guy Fieri he is acting. That must be it. Obviously, our thoughts and prayers are with your boyfriend, Guy Fieri, bound and gagged with energy lazers in some spaceship somewhere during this difficult time. (FILE UNDER: Duh Aficionado Boyfriend.)
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That explains why he’s never visited El Salchicha, the gayest diner in the Southwest.
Have fun at dinner, basically.
Gabe, are you sure my boyfriend isn’t the lead singer of Smash Mouth?
One makes the eggs, one eats the eggs.
hey now! he’s an all-star.
A pretty good kisser, you have hit upon everyone’s first impression of Guy Fieri perfectly.
He told me that the burning I feel when I pee is called “the Fieri in my pants.” SAD FACE
It’s been a Fieri romance, but every good thing must come to an end.
Its called Guynorrhea.
Is a “sexual riff” some sort of fugue state where all you can do is make sex puns and laugh and make sex puns and laugh a million times until you pass out?
To be fair, my boyfriend walks almost everywhere with a huff.
tru fact: Guy Fieri’s real name: Guy Ferry.
Yes, but that is only because Guy’s grandfather Americanized his last name. The true family name is Fieri, which Guy reclaimed.
phew! SOLVED.
My boyfriend is such a big diner, it’s hard to get him away from the food at a drive-in. Honestly, I don’t know how long I’ve managed not to take a dive because of him.
Also, I realize gay people gross some people out (grow up dumb people), but you know what grosses me out? The “breasts” Guy Fieri is so keen to gaze at are almost always 60-year old diner grandma’s! Not that grandma’s aren’t great, I love grandma’s but I do not love grandma breasts…no offense everyone’s grandma.
To be honest, I think this muthafucka sounds just like most grandfathers around the world. At least mine, thats for sure.
The guy who applies bleach to his face? Get the fuck out of here.
Why are we taking this disgruntled former producer’s word for all this? This guy claims that Fieri had him fired, so maybe he isn’t the most objective source. Anyway, Guy told me that this guy is a douche, and he would never lie to me. He loves me too much.
“You guys see a problem; I see a vice presidential running mate.” -Herman Cain
i bet he came to this conclusion right after seeing sing his song “temporary guy fieri” to the tune of “temporary secretary”
It was probably his evil twin, Dude Fieri.
Guy Fieri:
Girl Fieri:
Interestingly, they are friends and have commented on the weird resemblance in interviews.
the first rule of entertainment is “know your audience.” he probably wouldn’t be so freaked out by gay people if he knew who was buying his clothing line.
This doesn’t make sense because no one buys his clothing line. Right? I mean, how could they. Please, god, tell me that no one buys his clothing.
I feel like there is major crossover appeal with the Dragonball Z market.
Who gave this man a clothing line!! He looks like the clearance rack at a TJ Maxx.
Everybody sign my “please cast Guy Fieri in Fred Durst’s new show” petition so I can die and go to heaven. Ok, thanx, bye!
Dear Anthony Bourdain,
You were right about Guy Fieri.
Love,
World
Was there ever any doubt?
Bam Bam Bigelow wants his shirt back.
signed in just to barf. barffff. i hear guy fieri is poker buddies with thomas kinkade.
DID YOU GUYS READ THE ARTICLEEEEEEEEEEE
“A posse of friends—a bawdy band of homeboys with names like Gorilla, Kleetus, and Dirty P.—trailed Guy everywhere, and his manager, Tom Nelson, took to calling himself “the consigliore.” The group became known as the Garlic Mafia, and Fieri styled himself as the mob boss.”
That’s my favorite part.
I hope this story isn’t true. What next? Adam Richman beats up old people?
I would ask that Adam Richman put an onion ring on it. I would ask so hard.
So I read the whole article, and weirdly, the Videogum blurb neglected to mention Fieri’s alleged statement, “Jews are cheap.” Ugh.