Dear Mom,

I understand the desire to preserve every moment in your child’s life. I’m not a mother myself, but I do have tiny cousins and I think many my friends are very cute, so I’m empathetic to your situation. I have lots of photos and lots of videos on my iPhone of people literally just sitting or standing around, just because what if I want to remember that time they sat around like that? These are moments — first times eating different foods, tea parties with pretend guests, fighting over Settlers of Catan, finding your baby in the toilet — that you wish you could pause and savor, just for a few extra minutes, because you know it won’t always be like this. But you can’t. What you can do, though, is film them. That’s the best we can do to try and have a bit of control over our roller coaster ride toward a more and more complicated existence, memory loss, and eventual death. And it is true that your baby standing in toilet water is not that dangerous — the damage is already done, really. That baby is already in the toilet. But. CAN YOU PLEASE REMOVE YOUR BABY FROM THE TOILET?

He needs to get out of the toilet.

Love,

Kelly

(Via SayOMG.)

Comments (22)
  1. i’ve never seen the show, but I imagine this is the end of a number of episodes of “i didn’t know i was pregnant”

  2. Why is Kelly criticizing the mother when she’s clearly been saddled with a very stupid baby?

  3. Toddlers and PEE-aras.

  4. Instead of LOL, how about BTD?
    (Barfed Til Death)

  5. Given his familiarity with pieces of shit, I think we’ve found our Maverick Jr.

  6. Stop talking like that.

  7. Re: Settlers of Catan Arguments

    I just settled a couple weeks ago for the first time in awhile with a friend of mine and HER friends who I had never met. First the friends villified me for calling ore “rock” and calling wool “sheep” or (sheeps when I was feeling particularly “fun”). Then one of the friends got really mad when I built a road through his road. Moral of the story: people take that game very seriously.

    • My friend and I wrote lyrics for Settlers of Catan to the tune of Tom Waits’ “Singapore”. One of the verses went:

      We sail tonight down to Catan, where “Sheep” is a retirement plan.
      I soon shall test your mettle, gents: Behold! Here’s my fourth Settlement.
      Boo-yeah, I’ve drawn the “Year of Plenty”; I’m a Hexacartographic Cognoscente.
      Klaus Teuber cribbed Starship’s refrain: “We built this city on Ore and Grain”
      And the hoopla comes knee-deep to me.

      Sorry, everyone, I just don’t know who else I can tell these things to.

  8. Unwanted narrator! It can’t understand you.

  9. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Hugh Jackman must be so proud!

  10. Anybody notice that the baby was named Balin? I guess it’s too much to hope that this was a deliberate LOTR reference . . .


  11. “I’m Pooping”

  12. Whatcher doin in e toilet?
    Leave the trash alone…
    no….dont take the shit paper o…stop.eating.the.shit.paper.
    thats nawsty….covering yourself in shit…dont…

  13. You said yourself, you’re not a mom… so sorry, but your opinion means absolutely NOTHING to me. When you’re a mom (and not just an aunt) and you FULLY understand that EVERY moment is something you want to remember (good gross and bad), THEN I’ll respect your opinion.

    • Ah, the excuses used by butthurt mombies…gotta love them. “You don’t have babbies [sic]! You don’t understand how hard it is to be a mommieeeee! Your opinions don’t matter!” You’re probably not a politician or a doctor or a plumber, and yet I’m sure you feel free to criticize them when you don’t feel they’re doing a good job. I call shenanigans.

  14. Oh for Christ’s sake Diane. Not EVERY moment needs to be captured on film and written in stone for all eternity. Not EVERY moment is something that needs to be remembered. I don’t really want to reminisce over the times my daughter’s diaper leaked liquid diarrhea all over the carpet and furniture, or the time my son got sick on an airplane and barfed into my hands. My kid sitting in a filthy fucking toilet would not be the time I broke out my video camera. Your kids aren’t that precious, and not every moment is important. Get real. Nobody even likes your kids besides you and maybe a grandma or two. There is nothing special about your kids that warrants EVERY moment needing to be remembered. They are just kids. Like the millions of other kids in the world.

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