The story isn’t so bad either. From Deadspin:

The man who attempted (and failed) to throw a hot dog at Tiger Woods at the Frys.com Open last weekend has been identified. He is Brandon Kelly, a 31-year-old from Petaluma, Calif., and he is really into the movie Drive.

The Santa Rosa Press Democrat caught up with Kelly after he was named in the police report, and he admitted that it was he who wasted the perfectly good hot dog, and then he gave a perfectly rational insane explanation for the assault:

The idea, he said, was formed after he watched a movie about a stunt driver who moonlights as a getaway driver.

“I threw the hot dog toward Tiger Woods because I was inspired by the movie ‘Drive,’” Kelly said. “As soon as the movie ended, I thought to myself, ‘I have to do something courageous and epic. I have to throw a hot dog on the green in front of Tiger.’”

Well, boys, file it under: THE PERFECT CRIME. You’re never going to catch this criminal mastermind. I mean, I know you already caught him, but you know what I mean. The word “never” is the same as the word “epic,” right? Neither one means anything and you can just throw the words around because you liked the movie Drive? HEY GIRL?! (Thanks for the tip, Darci.)

Comments (14)
  1. I can’t wait to sue Drive for not being about throwing hotdogs.

  2. You probably remember this guy from his OTHER perfect crime:

  3. I love that his plan wasn’t to hit Tiger with the hot dog, but rather to throw it in his general vicinity. It’s like a visual representation of “no homo”.

  4. Fun fact: my favorite line from Drive was “Whose hot dogs do I have?”

  5. So would you guys say that this was more epic than courageous, or more courageous than epic?

  6. suspect caught on video prior to the crime:

  7. Thank-you, Brandon Kelly, for permitting me to look down my list of accomplishments in life and feel damn good about myself.

    I STILL have not been in the physical presence of people playing the game of golf. 30 years going strong.

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