In its short two-year life, Bing has just been absolutely killing it in the TV show product placement department. For example, Jenny binged “cancer” on Gossip Girl and completely dismantled Billy Baldwin’s perfectly constructed cancer scheme. Also on Gossip Girl, Serena binged, like, “Prague brothels” or whatever, and found out that Chuck’s Prague girlfriend was a prostitute. And on this other show, The Vampire Diaries, some character binged it and found some other character’s real mom or something? Admittedly the last one I know nothing about, but it still sounds PRETTY IMPRESSIVE! Deus ex bingina, basically. So it makes sense that Bing would want to bring its problem-solving abilities to The Walking Dead, a show where they have NOTHING but stuff to Bing about. Except for this one problem, from the New York Times:

“The thing is that it’s a post-apocalyptic zombie concept,” where all power grids have been destroyed, explained Melissa Wasserman, the vice president of advertising sales marketing at AMC. “So people aren’t using their computers or phones in the show.”

Oh, please. Melissa Wasserman says this as if she’s NOT speaking to the bings and beens (Bing kings and queens) of problem solving. Come on, Wasserman. This isn’t Bing’s first Bingeo (Bing rodeo). Naturally, Bing had a perfect binglution (Bing solution).

“We pitched them last year where maybe the characters could find a library with a generator and do a Bing search,” said Sean Carver, a marketing director at Bing, who acknowledged the scene was a stretch.

Uhh, sounds pretty airtight to me? Libraries are some of this country’s most abundantly funded government buildings, first of all, so the thought that a library would be a place where they find a working generator just makes sense, and also WI-FI EXISTS. Helloooooo, Walking Dead. It’s not as if wi-fi would just disappear in a post-apocalyptic world. That stuff is in the air and it’s not going anywhere. And think of the things they could Bing! “How to survive in a post-apocalyptic zombie world.” “How to make everything better.” “The pros and cons of just becoming a zombie.” Lots of doors that could’ve been opened there. But for whatever reason The Walking Dead did not accept this incredible plot point that was just GIVEN to them by what I assume is Bing’s on-retainer staff of very good Hollywood writers. Nor did any of these shows:

  • Mad Men: Don Draper stumbles onto a time machine that transports him to the year 2011. He finds a computer and uses Bing to search for a way to get back to the ’60s. He is very impressed with Bing’s marketing campaigns.
  • Breaking Bad: Walt sees Jesse using Bing. “What’s that?” he asks. “IT’S BING.” says Jesse, upset. “Let me see that,” says Walt. Walt Bings “meth” and finds a way to get out of the biz for good.
  • Parenthood: Peter Kraus Bings “recording studio” and finds a way to make a billion dollars with a dilapidated recording studio.
  • Community: Abed Bings “viewers” and figures out how to get people to watch Community.
  • Dexter: Dexter uses Bing to find people to kill all throughout the season. In the season finale cliffhanger, he does his Bing search and finds himself. Will he kill himself?????
  • Friends: Chandler Bing has a reoccurring joke about the Bing search engine. At some point the gang gathers without him and Bings “What is Chandler’s job?” Roaring laughter and applause.

I guess the real solution is for Bing to just create their OWN show. Then they can use all their perfect plot elements themselves and it would be the best show in the whole world. BING IT.

Comments (42)
  1. “I hate those Bing ads. Bing, stop pretending that it’s a hassle to use Google. It’s not.”
    -Paul F. Tompkins

  2. May I recommend that Grimes does a bing search on how to not make the worst decisions in any given situation? Because right now he is really good at making the WORST decisions in any situation, and while it is an impressive skill, I think it might be beneficial in the long run to maybe stop being an idiot.

  3. Could that Friends joke be any more appropriate?

  4. The Bing that Saved Christmas – TV movie: Santa Claus gets drunk and has a heart attack and dies, and when an orphanage discovers they won’t be getting any gifts, they Bing “Christmas Presents” and just imagine what it would be like to have those nice presents, and everyone learns the value of imagination, and friendship.

  5. Another Bring It On direct-to-DVD sequel called Bing It On.

  6. Phil Connors uses Bing to figure out how to get out of Groundhog Day while Ned Ryerson says “Bing!” over and over again.

  7. I’m pretty sure that’s why the BBC set Sherlock in modern times. For Bing’s help.

  8. Theatrical re-release of Bing John Malkovich

  9. I support any product that pays the Bings around vgum.

  10. Kelly, do you ever Bing “He Hate Me” to see what he’s up to these days?

  11. They could just have a new character who mentions at least once per episode how much they love Bing Crosby.

  12. Can’t wait for the BreakBing Bad Season 5 premiere next summer.

  13. Deuce Bingelow: Male Bingolo

  14. “Been there. Done that.” -David Bowie

  15. Thanks for the idea, Kelly! I’m trying to find a pillow shaped like a chicken leg for my Dad for his birthday (don’t ask), and I wasn’t having much luck; my ebay search turned up only one result that costs $58.99 and also I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to have sex with it:
    http://www.ebay.com/itm/DRUMSTICK-hugging-cushion-PILLOW-MEAT-DOLL-mygirlgumiho-/280570607189?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item41534fb655

    Don’t know why I didn’t think about it before, I’ll just Bing it!

  16. Well, they could have a lengthy monologue where they discuss the things they miss about their old lives and one of them could be Bing… That could work. And then it would flash back to them Binging things and then there’s the reveal that one of the characters Binged “How to start a zombie outbreak” and you won’t know who it was until the end of the season!

  17. was anyone else targeted by a bing ad on this page? ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

    • Have we just been meta marketed? If you zoom away from this article, is it Kelly sitting across the table from Sean Carver, a marketing director at Bing?

  18. What would they even bing?

  19. GUYS! True Story!

    I was going to take a screencap of a bing search and then post it here (along with a clever caption; it was probably going to be the funniest thing you’ve ever read, and win all monster’s ballz from here on out). AS SOON AS I HIT ENTER on bing.com, my computer froze and automatically shut down. I lost all the actual work I was doing, as well as my pride. DAMNIT BING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  20. The only search engine I use is Gizoogle.

  21. Um…the internet doesn’t just magically appear when the power turns on. GUYS! VERSIMILITUDE!

    Guys?

  22. Ned Stark bings winter and stays home weatherproofing the castle.

  23. Search-engine rivalry? That’s so quaint.

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