So last night was the big Britney Spears CD Infomercial, and you know what? It was very entertaining, but someone needs to call MTV out on being the biggest liars on the planet. There was nothing “no holds barred” about that “documentary.” It was basically ten distinct appointments to film Britney doing very specific things, like auditioning backup dancers, or being interviewed in a hotel room. For the most part, Britney never veered from her talking points: she’s lonely, she’s sad, she wishes she could go outside in the crisp air, she wants to escape her life, and she’s wary of bad people trying to control her. But Britney is, fundamentally, famous for being incredibly un-self aware, so even in a sham MTV documentary, she’s given enough rope to if not to hang herself, at least remind us of a character in a Christopher Guest movie (“People shave their heads all the time”). My favorite theme of the special was Britney’s constant refrain of “Do you know what I mean?”, usually after saying something that no other person could possibly understand. “It was hard breaking up with Justin, because I was so famous and I didn’t know what to do with myself. Do you know what I mean?” Also, she eats her phone, thinks lawyers dress like hookers, and OMG Madonna’s face.

Britney eats her phone:

My favorite part: Britney nixes slutty dresses because she thinks they look like something lawyers or businesswomen would wear. She also wants to retire and be a lawyer, because that’s how that works:

And, of course, Madonna’s plastic surgery addiction has Begun In Earnest. You can just see Britney here thinking “Holy Shit, what is up with her face?”:

(Some joking aside, I actually recommend the special, even if it’s not a documentary. It’s actually kind of heartbreaking, for real.)