Well, we’ve got a bunch of bad ones for you today! To be fair, I think it’s actually a mix of genuinely bad and then maybe just bad because I’m being cold and have a short attention span. It’s tough to know sometimes. I’m no movie critic, I’m just a girl standing in front of some movie trailers telling you she hates them. (Very good movie ref, it’s possible that I AM actually a movie critic.) So, here we are. From Katherine Heigel to the couple from Once, we’ve got something this week for either everyone or no one. Who knows. So let’s watch them. Together. I’ve actually already watched them, I don’t want to lie, so just you watch them now. Annnnd ACTION!


Contraband

I have a very hard time paying attention to action in action movies. It’s my own problem and I don’t expect anyone to understand it, but I kind of turn my brain off and wait for it to be a non-action part whenever things get too action-y. With that said, I have absolutely no idea what this trailer is about. It’s definitely classic Mark Wahlberg, I understand that. But I have no idea what job he has, I have no idea what his relationship is to the kid, I have really no idea what the kid did, and I don’t know why it caused everyone to be in so much trouble. I’m sorry. Really, I’m only half sorry, because I’m pretty sure this trailer didn’t fully explain a lot of those things. I really tried to understand what the kid did and why it related to Mark Wahlberg and why everyone was in so much trouble for it, but I couldn’t. Also: “TOGETHER?” Ugh.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

I feel guilty saying that I have no interest in this movie. I understand that it’s my duty in so many ways — as an American, a person who has lots of feelings, a person who likes Tom Hanks, a person who reads Stereogum, a person who is very eager to see a movie that will make them sad — to be looking forward to this movie. But. Unfortunately. I’m not terribly interested in Jonathan Safran-Foer and I’m not terribly interested in this movie. It doesn’t seem like the worst, certainly! And I do love U2. Just not for me. I do support you looking forward to this, if you do.

I Melt With You

This just looks absolutely terrible. I refuse to put more effort into a review of a trailer than they did into the entire concept of the movie.

The Swell Season

More like TWICE, right? Shoulda named it TWICE! This is more along the lines of a movie that I’d like to see because I know it’s going to make me sad. A rock doc. I think there’s probably a 0% chance of me actually going out to see this in theaters, but that’s not because I wouldn’t want to see it. I’m just trying to be realistic about how badly I want to see it vs. how lazy I am and the difficulty (a train ride) it will be to get to a theater that is showing this movie. So maybe another miss here. But not really. I’ll on demand it, if it’s on demand sometime. I will do that.

Joyful Noise

“It’s too expensive and we always lose.” Classic. But, uh, why didn’t they just get people who could actually sing for this movie? Instead of getting people whose voices they had to turn into tinny autotuned robot voices? That’s not what I ever want to hear! I don’t dislike movies with singing, either — I’m no Gabe in that respect. (I am kind of making the assumption that Gabe does not like movies with singing.) They aren’t my favorite but I’m sure there are a few that I enjoy. But I’d like the singing to not make me want to die and never hear anything again. Come on. The cute guy? GIVE ME A BREAK. Cool robot voice, cute guy, can you please never stop singing into that machine you’re really killing it.

One for the Money

Ugh. Katherine Heigel. Tough girl. Accent. Down home. Barf bag. Throw up. Closed eyes. No thanks. Bed time. Already asleep. Leave me alone. Can’t hear you.

Comments (35)
  1. Kelly – thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one who’s not interested in Jonathan Safran-Foer.

  2. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close also had the working title “Winning the Oscars. All of them. Forever and Ever.”

    • His books just make me wonder what an editor, like, does?
      But that trailer made me angry.

      • editor: “so…do you plan on finishing this? the last 40 pages of the manuscript is just a flip book of doodles”
        jsf: “nope. that’s the book.”
        editor: “ok. cool. im going to the Hamptons with my family. call me if you need anything!”

        • I love both Extremely Loud and Everything is Illuminated, but I find him sort of annoying…and I can’t see that either would be worth seeing as a movie. A lot of what I enjoy is the writing style and structure, rather than the plot.

          • There is stuff I like a lot in each of those, but I think he loses it all in all the defense mechanism architecture he builds around it. (That said, I’m pretty sure I put “Tree of Codes” is on my Amazon WishList about three seconds after I heard about it.)

            Also, he is craaaaaaaaazy annoying in every interview I’ve ever read. But he’s also craaaaaaaaazy young; if I had had to deal with that many people telling me I was a genius for naming a dog Sammy Davis Junior Junior, or whatever, I would also have been [more] annoying.

          • Patrick pretty much summed up my feelings about his first couple novels.

            But I did just read “Tree of Codes” and was very impressed. It’s more of a prose piece that feels like it’s too personal to Foer (and his love of the original book it was constructed from) for the reader to maybe fully get it, but a very cool idea that is well executed and stands as a compelling physical piece of art too.

    • When I heard about this movie, I thought, “Wow, look at the cast & the director. And it’s about September 11? This movie has already won best picture.”

      Then I saw the trailer. Nope. Sorry, EL&IC. No best picture for you.

  3. wait. where’s the nicolas cage entry?

  4. That Fighting Temptations trailer felt like it took three hours to watch. There’s a lot of rumruggery on this site about reboots and hollywood laziness, but I would watch Mortal Kombat LX: Ghost Protocol 1000 times over than most of these

  5. I like singing movies more than dancing movies, sorry guys, I better drumline

  6. Why does Katherine Heigel still exist when we have the far superior Elizabeth Banks?

  7. I am not anti-U2, but the use of that song in that trailer was extremely loud and incredibly dumb (no need for me to ask, I know iamrite)

  8. MORE LIKE Extremely Lazy and Incredibly Cloying, amirite?!

    Also, Kelly admitted to loving U2. Never forget.

    • I think we need clarification. I have no problem with someone loving War to Joshua Tree era U2. Or Achtung Baby if that’s your thing. Whatever the hell they are now, though, is inexcusable.

      • What I meant was exclusively “Joshua Tree,” I apologize. But I will never apologize for loving “Joshua Tree.” “With or Without You” is one of my favorite songs you can quote me on that all day if you want see what I care.

      • I’ve decided to stop being so negative all the time here because this is still one of my favorite websites and really, Kelly is, i’m sure, doing her very best.

        so…

        None of these movies look that bad to me. As in, I wouldn’t bitch too loudly if my wife wanted me to go see any of them with her(though I would be shocked beyond reason if she told me she wanted to watch a movie about The Swell Season).

        Also, none of these movies are sequels or “Gritty Reboots”, so that’s something.

        Hey, did anybody else think Cathy Heigel was Ashley Judd until they saw her name come up?

        No? Just me then.

      • I love Boy – Achtung Baby, damnit, and I’ll never be as sorry for that as the world tells me I should be. Everyone I know hates them but can’t identify pre-Joshua Tree stuff when I play it so I rest my case, world. Get off my back! You don’t even know! *cue mascara running down my face, on to a copy of October*

  9. Hahaha, the Katherine Heigel trailer is worth watching because of this line: “Hey, why you messin’ with my Tasty Cakes, huh?”

    Also, whenever a trailer says, “Coming in January”, that means it’s a bad movie.

  10. Is this an appropriate opportunity for me to mention how much I hated Once? I could only watch about 30 minutes in before I went in a coma from a combination of boredom and twee-overdose. And I didn’t even like the music!

  11. I am actually a fan of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, with it’s flip book and all, but ho-boy does this movie look terrible. I think the use of U2 killed it for me. Also, they are probably not going to make any mention of Dresden/the grandparents.

    I loved Billy Elliot/The Hours, but nope this movie looks terrible. No Oscars for you.

  12. I don’t know – I’m kind of into that I Melt With You trailer. Thomas Jayne is the shit. And… mid-life crisis stuff can be interesting. Am I outing myself as old with this comment?

  13. Wait…
    Rob Lowie, Frank Castle, Piven, drugs, a burried secret (a dead prostitute possibly?) and SASHA GREY?

    How is this not the best movie ever?

  14. No comments on Joyful noise yet, aka ‘Sister Act III: This Time No Whoopi’? Queen Latifah AND Dolly Parton singing Glee-style… this is just about the most patronizingly gay movie I have ever seen. If I had heard a single Lady Gaga I would have blinded myself eye-rolling. so yeah, I’ll see it; it’s part of my hag-contract.

    in other news: I am so psyched how this movie trailer post turned into a huge U2 debate… YAY! BONOOOOO!

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