[Anderson Cooper is a successful journalist and a popular television personality who has just started a brand new daytime talk show. With the hectic scheduling that putting together an hour of programming every day entails combined with the difficult work of establishing your voice and presence in a new format, Mr. Cooper has no time to talk with us. This interview with him is a fake interview.]

Videogum: Anderson–may I call you Anderson?
Anderson Cooper: Sure.
VG: Thank you so much for taking the time to sit down and talk with us, I know how busy you must be with the new show.
AC: It’s pretty crazy, but as someone who is often on the other side of the interview process–
VG: How do you mean?
AC: Well, I have interviewed plenty of people myself, so I’m just saying I know how rewarding it can be to ask people questions and get to the bottom of a story.
VG: Like what questions do you ask?
AC: It depends on the subject.
VG: What’s a subject?
AC: A subject is the person who you are interviewing.
VG: Why don’t you just call it “the person you are interviewing”?
AC: Well, for one thing, subject is a lot fewer words.
VG: Whoa. You ARE good at this!
AC: Thank you.
VG: So, Anderson, on your new show this week you tried coffee and spinach for the first time.
AC: Yes.
VG: What the fuck?
AC: Excuse me?
VG: Yeah, what the fuck is up with that?

AC: How do you mean?
VG: Well, for one thing, aren’t you, like, 70?
AC: No. I’m 44.
VG: But your hair is white!
AC: Yes, it is. Clever observation.
VG: Don’t try to flatter your way out of this, Anderson Cooper.
AC: I was being sarcas–
VG: OK, even if you’re only 50–
AC: 44.
VG: –years old, it is still weird that you’ve never tried coffee or spinach, don’t you think?
AC: I’m a picky eater, what can I say.
VG: Uh, you can say “I’m going to be an adult and try different things because that is what adults do, and I’m not going to live 50 years on this planet without even tasting super obvious things that everyone knows about.” You could try saying that.
AC: I don’t know what you want me to tell you. I’m a particularly picky eater and I’d never tried those things. Even if you would have liked me to have tried them before, I hadn’t, so I don’t really know what you–
VG: And you call yourself a journalist.
AC: Yes, sir, I do.
VG: Maybe you should get the scoop on coffee and spinach.
AC: Well in a way you could say that that is exactly what I did when I tried them for the first time on my show.
VG: Ugh.
AC: Now what?
VG: It’s just, I don’t know, it’s a little self-indulgent, don’t you think? A whole show about you tasting something you hadn’t tasted before that everyone else has tasted?
AC: Not really. I think it’s a pretty universal experience to be afraid to try new things and it is maybe interesting to see other people face those fears. Maybe it will inspire someone.
VG: Anderson.
AC: What?
VG: You are seriously going to sit there and describe taking a sip of coffee as facing a fear?
AC: Sure.
VG: Whatever, man.
AC: Let me ask you a question.
VG: Go ahead, you’re the self-proclaimed expert.
AC: Well, I’ve actually made a very decent living with this kind of thing, so I’m not so sure how self-proclaimed it is.
VG: Now you’re just bragging about how much money you make? You are a real piece of work. What’s your question?
AC: You wrote about this segment earlier this week and said a lot of the same things, so I don’t feel like you’re really adding anything new to the conversation. Like, I understand that you didn’t like the segment, and unfortunately not everyone is going to like everything that we do on the show. But why don’t you just get over it and move on? Surely you have better things to do with your time?
VG: Why don’t YOU just get over it and move on? Surely YOU have better things to do with YOUR time!
AC: OK, well, thanks again for inviting me to this interview. I hope it was as interesting for you as it was for me, and please watch my new show!
VG: I won’t.
AC: OK.
VG: Coffee is delicious.
AC:
VG: Say it.
AC: What?
VG: Say that coffee is delicious.
AC: I won’t say something that I don’t believe to be true.
VG: Hahahahhaha.
AC: Now what?
VG: Uh, I think you mean a lie, brainiac. Something that you don’t believe to be true. Hahahaha. You’re so dumb.
AC: I’m so dumb? I’m the one who has a syndicated daytime talk show after years of award-winning cable network journalism and you are the one writing out fake interviews with celebrities on a pop culture blog.
VG: HEY! TAKE IT BACK!
AC: I won’t.
VG: YOU’RE SO MEAN!
AC: You’re mean.
VG: ANDERSON! YOU HURT MY FEELINGS!
AC: You hurt your feelings. This interview is fake.
VG: Oh right. Shoot. OK. Well, good luck on your new show!
AC: Thanks.

Comments (29)
  1. I think Gabe definitely won this interview.

  2. In his defense coffee doesn’t taste good and you sheeple have to open your mind grapes and realize that

  3. I don’t see the point.

    • Of Anderson Cooper’s show? Sometimes it gets boring in his castle, and he was tired of being all serious all the time. Also, he’s always wanted to be like Oprah, but with older money.

  4. I don’t think “Fake and Gay” has ever been more appropriate then right here.

  5. Do you think Anderson Cooper only takes high tea as it is the custom for the children of children of children of robber barons?

  6. So I’m trying to think how someone who has been a journalist and a prep school kid and a Yalie has never had coffee. Like honestly trying to figure this out… and are a few of my theories:

    1. I might not have been kidding about the high tea thing. Maybe he grew up drinking tea… Didn’t he spend a lot of his time in New Orleans growing up? That could be a thing.
    2. Maybe he only drinks espresso and doesn’t consider coffee to be the same thing. I don’t really drink coffee but I drink a lot of iced espresso. Not because I’m fancy, but because it has less acidity for the amount of caffeine. And I think it tastes better.
    2a. Newsroom coffee is TERRIBLE. Worse than or on par to the coffee you’d get for free at an oil change express place on a Wednesday afternoon. If he somehow made it to the newsroom w/out coffee before, I could see where dirty sludgy tar would make you keep going without. I would drink tea when I worked in a newsroom and couldn’t leave to grab a coffee from not there. Office coffee is almost always bad but pretty much every newsroom I’ve been in has the worst coffee ever.
    3. I’m sure he’s tried it and spit it out. And that might not count because he spit it out or whatever.
    4. He grew up with someone with terrible terrible coffee breath and it freaked him out for the rest of his life and didn’t want to be smelly and gross like my high school German teacher was but is too polite to explain this back story on his show. Because he, unlike me, was brought up with manners.

    • 5. Secret heart palpitations or something where it’s the opposite of CRANK and if he gets over excited he will die. We’ve all seen his giggle fits. It could be a condition.
      5a. He was a hyperactive kid so they never let him try it. See again: giggle fits.
      6. Someone lied to him about coffee when he was young to keep him from drinking it and it freaked him out so much he couldn’t have it until he was a grown man.
      7. Coffee politics are actually pretty awful and he won’t touch the stuff because it oppresses a lot of people and though he is a fancy pants dandy Vanderbilt, he cares about the good of humanity and the Earth.
      8. He’s on Adderall.

  7. This “interview” made me miss Friday Fights.

  8. I can’t believe you didn’t have the nerve to ask him about his homosexuality Gabe. Journalists today are such softies.
    Anderson is just dying to show Maisini or Antoine or what ever his name is off:

  9. Clearly Anderson Cooper is a Super Taster. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supertaster

  10. I’m calling it: this is the Fake Interview that’s actually real.

  11. The whole show wasn’t about him trying the food. It was about disordered eating (which is different than eating disorders as they explained). People like you have just chosen to take one small clip of it and present it without context. In this segment there were two women who have spent their lives eating almost nothing but potato and bread sitting beside Anderson. They had all been asked to sample some new things, but Anderson was the only one willing to do it.

    He can’t stand hot beverages of any kind. He’s said so a lot of times, so I’m not surprised he hasn’t had coffee.

  12. I love these so much. I would throw roses at my computer but that would be silly.

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