Many Americans have their own story about discovering the brilliance of Andy Rooney. Mine came a few years ago when he did an essay about how there were three can openers in his kitchen and I think the end of the CUTTING and INCISIVE essay said something like “what are we gonna do with all these can openers?” Powerful stuff. (It is true that making fun of Andy Rooney being old is like making fun of fish in a barrel, but look at those ridiculous old fish!) Hard to believe he is going to be leaving us. End of an era, guys. Not our era. But an era. Called the 1800s. From the Hollywood Reporter:

After more than 1000 broadcasts, Andy Rooney will make his last regular appearance on this Sunday’s 60 Minutes. Rooney has been a fixture on the newsmagazine since 1978. And he’ll make the announcement himself in a quintessential show-wrapping segment. It will be preceded by a career retrospective interview with correspondent Morley Safer.

“There’s nobody like Andy and there never will be,” said Jeff Fager, CBS News chairman and 60 executive producer. “He’ll hate hearing this, but he’s an American original. His contributions to 60 Minutes are immeasurable; he’s also a great friend.”

Rooney is not likely to be replaced. And Fager said that he is always welcome on the broadcast.

Oh man, can you imagine how amazing it would be if they DID try and replace him? “We need an impossibly old grouch who goes off on hard-to-follow tangents about things like overcoats and spam email, but now that we have the opportunity, let’s update it for today’s youth by getting someone who is only in their 70s.” Also, why would he hate to hear that he’s an American original? Oh right, because he hates everything. LOVE YOU, ANDY ROONEY! In honor of Andy Rooney’s upcoming retirement, here are a few installments of the classic “Andy Rooney Game,” created by Joe Mande and Noah Garfinkel, in which the first and last sentences of Andy’s monologue are saved, and the rest of the monologue is edited out:

Good game. GREAT American Hero.

Comments (18)
  1. It’s gonna be so awkward when our hover children are having this conversation about Lewis Black someday.

  2. Andy Rooney AND Regis are retiring? The only way this is okay is if they plan to have their own show together, where they are just old and wonderful forever.Harrison Ford will be a frequent guest star.

    • These two in a Grumpy Old Men scenario but where Regis is kind of fiery and racy, and Andy is more conservative and old-fashioned. Regis takes him out to do new things, like eating Indian food and going to titty bars. Andy teaches Regis the benefits of some of the old ways, like respecting other people and working with his hands.

      • Maybe they could set up a retirement price-is-right scenario where Bob Barker hosts, and they just guess the price of dishsoap for our amusement

        • Or instead of guessing the prices of things, they just complain about how expensive everything is these days.

          • “I guess everything is expensive these days.” – retirement price is right contestants

          • “You want to send me on a trip to Monty Carlos? What the heck is a Monty Carlos?”
            “What the…well, I can’t drive these newfangled asian cars. Get me a Ford Taurus for cripes sake.”
            New bed? What’s wrong with the old bed? Why, back in my day, you’d sleep on a slab of cardboard with a brick as a pillow!”
            “I won’t bid anything on this showcase until you tell me what I’m getting out of it. I won’t pay a dime!”
            “My grandkids are a disappointment.”

        • And Tony Bennett is the guest … like every other day. And every time Andy and Regis act surprised to see him.. .and then kind of bored… and ignore him

  3. “We need an impossibly old grouch who goes off on hard-to-follow tangents about things like overcoats and spam email, but now that we have the opportunity, let’s update it for today’s youth by getting someone who is only in their 70s.”

    Hmm. Methinks I smell Gabe’s DREAM JOB!

  4. “We need an impossibly old grouch…let’s update it for today’s youth by getting someone who is only in their 70s.”

    Gabe! This job was meant for you! I’ll send them your resume.

  5. Are we sure CBS isn’t letting him go because of his drug problems and his propensity for shacking up with whores?

  6. in the immortal words of bone thugs n harmony, see you at tha crossroads, andy rooney’s 60 minutes segments.

    • to this day i don’t know if the bone thugs were having a laugh with that music video or if they were being somber and serious

      like are the bone thugs in on the joke or is the joke in on them?

  7. Woah….woah….woah, JUST an American Original? This whole time I thought that Andy Rooney was the Original American, that’s what my great-great-Grandfather said.

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