Oh, holy moly. Remember last week when we were pretty much feeling good? Everybody loved each other and all the bad guys were dead and Jesse was coming home, cute as ever? Well this week we were left only feeling like a dumpster full of depression and anxiety. Cool. COOL. “I thought I was watching a happy show?” – Me, I guess. Ugh. Still a very good episode, of course. My abusive relationship with this show is as strong as ever, I’m just saying I feel absolutely terrible. This week opened in a makeshift hospital room in a barn, full of people in doctors coats. We see Jesse speeding towards it with almost dead Gus and Mike in tow, and when he pulls up the doctors rush out with a gurney and take Gus inside. But! They, AHHH!, they leave Mike! WHAT ABOUT MIKE! Jesse is of course not going to let his new dad die in a car, so he carries him in himself, blood dripping everywhere, and puts him on a table.
Then we’re back in the super lab with Walt and, ugh, New Gus Guy. NGG is being impossible as usual, and Walt asks if he’s heard anything about what’s happening in Mexico. He says nothing. Then Walt brings up the topic of Hank wanting to check out the factory farm and asks if he should be the one to take him and, again, NGG says nothing. OY VEY, NEW GUS GUY. You are the worst and I refuse to ever learn your name. So Walt takes Hank to the check out the factory farm, because what else is he supposed to do, and takes that opportunity to ask Hank if he’s heard about anything going on with the cartel lately. This was kind of funny, I thought — that he’d be asking Hank for information about his own drug stuff. So Hank tells him something big happened down south, “lots of bodies,” which, I can imagine, is scary sounding. Then he asks Walt about his beat up face, which he does NOT want to talk about, and gives Hank a little bit of a teeth face to let him know.
Back in the makeshift hospital, Mike is finally being taken care of. When Jesse grabs some more blood for him out of the blood fridge (all normal), he sees that there are also some bags of blood for him in there.
Then, to Jesse’s surprise, the doctor rattles off a bunch of Jesse facts (age 25, type A-, very cute, great voice, future Mr. Kelly Conaboy, etc.). “How does he know?!”, Jesse thinks. Uh, DOYOYOY. Jesse, is this your first rodeo? You work for Gus and Gus needs to know everything, give me a break. Of course this doctor knows about your cool voice.
Mike is not ready to go, which is disconcerting, so Gus and Jesse leave him there. Gus didn’t seem to care about MIke too much. Is Gus ok with Mike just dying there? GUYS? Probably, and as they walk out Gus asks Jesse if it’d be ok if they killed Walt too, since Jesse can clearly run the lab by himself. Jesse says to just pay him off and let him go, but Gus says that won’t work. Eeesh, eeesh, eeeeesh.
The next scene opened with the baby trying to put Skyler’s necklace in her mouth and it was so cute that I pretty much didn’t pay attention to anything else. OOPS! That baby is a real scene stealer.
But from what I could gather, Ted called and left her a message about how he couldn’t do “the thing they discussed.” (Also he trips on his rug when he’s talking to her on the phone. Oops, Ted. Maybe fix that rug!) So Skyler heads to Ted’s house where she pleads with him, again, to just pay the IRS the GD money already. He won’t, at first saying that paying with money won through illegal gambling (Skyler’s really getting a run for her money with that cover story) “feels wrong,” then after Skyler brings up how they got into this mess through COOKING BOOKS, DUMMY, Ted admits that he’s also reluctant to pay because it wouldn’t solve any of his problems — he’d still lose his business and house and kids and whatever, etc. Also he doesn’t believe that he’s actually going to go to jail. When even shoving his checkbook in his face while yelling “WRITE IT!” doesn’t work, Skyler realizes that she’s gotta call Saul.
Ugh, the next scene was annoying — when Gus visited Hector in the retirement home again. Now that Gus has avenged the death of his life parter I no longer feel sorry for him, and I guess that’s kind of what they were going for with this episode anyway. We’re back to hating Gus. So, he explains to Hector how everyone, including his grandson, is dead. Then he brings out Jesse, telling him that Jesse is the one who shot his grandson to death. “He was the only family you had left. Now the Salamanca name dies with you,” Gus says. He asks Hector to look at him repeatedly, but Hector never moves his gaze from Jesse. And who could blame him. Right, ladies?
Then we see Walt picking Hank up again for another stake-out. But instead of going to the factory farm, like we all THOUGHT, Hank tells him they’re taking a detour — “There’s an industrial laundry I want to check out, it’s not far.” AHHH!!! CARTOON WITH EYES POPPING OUT!!! SIREN NOISES!!! This was very tense, obviously, and as Hank is telling Walt to take the turn into his place of illegal meth business, we’re all thinking out loud “What’s going to happen how is he going to handle this what is he going to do?!?” Then he misses the turn and gets into a car accident BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE, DROP THE MIC!
At Hanks house, we see he’s a little banged up from the accident. But don’t worry, Walt Jr. and Skyler brought him frozen yogurt. Great. EVEVERYONE’S favorite. Hank says, “Hey, it’s free food. Free food always tastes good.” Which is pretty tacky, Hank. Don’t say “free food,” you’re embarrassing me. Then Walt shows up and Marie tells him that she doesn’t want them going on these adventures anymore because they’re too dangerous. And we all breathe a sigh of relief. Then Hank says yeah he agrees, that’s why he got a “gimp mobile” so he’ll be able to drive around by himself. Uh, WHAT! Unrelieved immediately! But really, if Marie thinks it’s “too dangerous” for Walt to drive around her crippled husband, why is it less dangerous and more acceptable for him to drive HIMSELF around? Marie? Hello? Is there a brain in that purple wardrobe or no? Then Skyler gets a call from Saul who tells her that Ted doesn’t own a gun or a security system for his house, and that he has his top guys on it. WHAT COULD THAT MEAN?
Oh, it means Bill Burr is going to be in another episode! GREAT!
So, Bill Burr and Saul’s bodyguard Huell (the TOPPEST of guys) show up at Ted’s house and threaten him into writing a check for $617,226.31 to the IRS. God, I wish Bill Burr were a regular character. “Eeeaahh we’re here with the Sunday night ahhh Breaking Bad. Ya got ya blankies? Sittin on yaaa fuckin’ couches there? Ya ready for this, ready for someeaahh Breaking Bad, there?” My written impression of Bill Burr really impresses me every single time. Anyway, so, they get him to write the check and tell him they’re going to be waiting there with him until the check clears. At this point Ted tries to escape, but
they trip him on a rug he trips on the rug and then he’s sliding and then he’s sliding and then he slides under a cabinet and then he hits his head and then OOPS, HE’S DEAD! “Ted Is Dead.” Drop Dead Ted. This was certainly the funniest dead all season, good job Ted. LOL.
Back at the lab, there is another funny joke. Walt is I guess being taken to the lab in a laundry basket? Or something. And he asks New Guys Guy “Does the laundry have to be dirty?” and NGG says, “Nope.” Haha. Great old-timey comedy duo. But then Walt notices someone has been cooking in the lab without him, and leaves to confront Jesse about it.
At Jesse’s apartment, we see him playing a Sonic game with Andrea’s son and it is just the cutest thing in the world.
Jesse sure knows how to be a very cute guy when he needs to be. Although we could all watch Jesse and Andrea’s son play Sonic all night, it is soon interrupted by Walt knocking on the door. Jesse refuses to let him in, of course, and pushes him halfway down the lawn. Walt tells Jesse that he’s scared for his life, basically, and doesn’t Jesse know that if Gus knows he can cook alone he’ll kill Walt? Even though it’s clear that Jesse does not intend to let this happen he responds, “Last time I asked for your help you said I hope you end up buried in a barrel in the Mexican desert.” BOOM. Then Jesse leaves, Walt turns around and New Gus Guy and another guy are standing behind him with a taser. Then they tase him a lot. Uh-oh.
They transport Walt to the desert and when we see him again he’s on his knees with a sack over his head. Uh-oh again. Gus arrives and tells him that he’s fired, and that he cannot show his face at the laundry or go near Jesse again. Walt points out that they can’t kill him, because Jesse wouldn’t cook for them — if they could kill him, they would’ve done it already — so, you know, OR WHAT? Don’t go near him again or what? “For now,” Gus says, and also informs Walt that they’re pretty much going to kill Hank, since Walt hasn’t taken care of him yet. And then: “If you try to interfere, this becomes a much simpler matter. I will kill your wife, I will kill your son, I will kill your infant daughter.” With that, they pull away and leave him in the desert. UHHHHHHHH. God damnit, Gus! You are so terrible! Last week I loved you and this week I hate you so much again! I can’t believe you toy with my emotions so readily and so easily! YOU JERK! You big huge jerk! DID YOU SEE WHEN THE BABY HAD THE NECKLACE IN HER MOUTH? HOW COULD YOU THREATEN THAT?
I figured, at the beginning of that scene, that that would be the final scene. But it wasn’t! From there, Walt rushes to Saul’s office. (How, I wonder? Actual running?) Saul is scolding Bill Burr and Huell for accidentally killing Ted (“Check’s in the mail, at least?”) when Walt bursts in, yelling about how Gus is going to kill his family, and asking for the number of the guy who could “disappear” them. He also asks Saul to call the DEA and inform them that there’s a hit on Hank. Saul tells him he’ll do that, reluctantly, and that it’s going to cost a lot of money to get disappeared, but Walt says he has it and rushes home to find it. When he gets home, he heads for his stash to find that — UH-OH AGAIN AGAIN! — lots of it is missing. He asks Skyler where it is. “I gave it to Ted.” UGH! AHHH! TERRIBLE! A TERRIBLE BLOW! Walt screams and cries and eventually begins laughing like a crazy person, while Marie calls and begins leaving a message about how there’s a hit out on Hank. While we hear her terrified and crying on the phone, Walt’s insane laugher is still in the background. And there are heartbeat noises. It is horrible. (Also: So good.)
The final shot shows Walt lying in the basement while the camera pans up through the first floor, effectively portraying him as a dead man. Six feet under. Laughing and scaring everybody straight to hell. Ugh. This show. THIS SHOW!