gwyneth

And thus begins the latest edition of Goop:

Emmys Scrapbook

So nearly two weeks ago, getting everyone settled in back to school mode, I woke up to a huge surprise: I had won a Creative Arts Emmy for my guest role on Glee! This was especially meaningful, as my father (who made great TV shows back in the day—”The White Shadow”, “St. Elsewhere”) had been nominated and lost the Emmys nine times. So I’m pretty chuffed about the whole thing. And my dad would have been over the moon. Anyway, I was asked to present at the big Emmy telecast so I hopped on a plane! And may I please thank Ryan Murphy for thinking up Holly Holliday and deciding to call me up about her. Wow. And thanks to the whole Glee family who are among some of the best people I’ve ever had the good fortune to work with.

Love,

gp

Oh brother. I am sure that it’s very exciting to win an Emmy Award! Why not? But also Gwyneth Paltrow has been a movie star for 15 years and comes from a showbiz family. At a certain point, it’s just a thing that is part of your life. So what is this “aw shucks” business? I’m also not entirely clear how a Creative Arts Emmy (whatever that means) for a guest appearance on a TV show somehow vindicates your father’s ENTIRE LIFE AND BODY OF WORK? But that is between you and his ghost. (See also: CHUFFED.) Anyway, perhaps it would have been enough for Gwyneth to “humblebragly” gush about the wonderful surprise (right in the midst of being a mother of children, if you can even believe it. I don’t know how she does it just kidding yes I do millions of dollars and a job that is not a real job) but she decided instead that what people REALLY needed now was a minute-by-minute breakdown of the whole Emmys weekend. Siiiiick. Get ready. You ready? Here we go:

9:30 am
My journey to the Emmys starts Saturday morning in Paris where I stayed at the new and very gorgeous hotel Shangri-La Hotel, after a friend’s birthday dinner. Here’s the view from my room.

[Ed. note: good beginning. Very Emmys. I think we're supposed to think that it's incredible (or SOMETHING?!) that she was in Paris the day before the Emmys. (The part about how she goes all the way to Paris just for a friend's birthday dinner, and spends the night in a hotel room that costs as much as your house, well, that's just NORMAL STUFF.) This part of the diary is presumably for all the working moms out there struggling to keep it together. She's almost TOO like you!]

10:13 am
Eurostar back to London

[Ed. note: Got it.]

12:32 pm
Have a play at home with the kids before getting everyone ready to go to the airport.

[Ed. note: Did you think Gwyneth rushed home from an evening jaunt in Paris and then just RUSHED her way to the airport to head to Los Angeles for the 2011 Emmys? No way, guys. Come on. First she stopped off at her London Castle and PLAYED WITH HER CHILDREN. The Best Mom Ever mousepad is in the mail!]

2:00 pm
Airport

[Ed. note: Powerful stuff.]

4:05 pm
British Airways Flight #269 London Heathrow to LAX

[Ed. note: You know how frustrating and boring and exhausting and annoying airports are? They're not actually like that for celebrities. Which is fine. That is literally the least of the problems with celebrities. But that is why when celebrities talk about traveling they just say stuff like "Airport" and leave out the rest of it. Don't be gauche. Kudos to Gwyneth for including the fucking flight number, though. I wonder which publisher will be lucky enough to snatch up the book rights to this masterpiece.]

7:05 pm
Arrive at LAX and head straight for my hotel. Lately, when I’m in Los Angeles for work, I’ve been staying at the beautiful and very centrally located Montage. Amazing service! Amazing! … I go right to bed as tomorrow’s an early wake-up.

[Ed. note: Rooms at the Montage start at $550 a night (suite pricing information is not available on-line, and you know GP stays in a suite, because she's a mom) and the very first amenity they list on the front page of their website is an "in-house stylist." Jesus Christ. This is just more of the useful, working mom information that Goop is all about!]

4:23 am
Up, jetlagged, and taking care of email.

[Ed. note: The super-common expression "taking care of email" definitely means that someone else "takes care" of the email, right?]

7:00 am – 9:00 am
I hit the Montage’s gym for a workout.

[Ed. note: Sure.]

9:32 am
I stop by Sonya Dakar’s skin clinic for one of her amazing facials so I’m ready for the red carpet. Her tips are at the end of the newsletter.

[Ed. note: Uh huh. Thanks!]

2:05 pm
Prep for the Emmys begins with David Babaii on hair and Kate Lee on makeup.

[Ed. note: WAIT! What happened between 9:30AM and 2PM? That's almost five hours of lost time! Uh oh. Either Gwyneth got a concussion, or the way she passed that time was so leisurely and luxurious that it would be of no use to anyone, much like this entire diary!]

David and I decide to go for super straight hair. He shares his method below.

Kate Lee does her red carpet thing, which she also shares below.

[Ed. note: When Gwyneth Paltrow wants to look nice, two highly-paid professionals come directly to her hotel room. Again, that is fine, she can afford it. But what are these tips going to be? "Star in Iron Man 2 and be a presenter at the Emmys." Got it.]

2:47 pm
I change into my dress and I literally get sewn into it, while Kate finishes up.

[Ed. note: Gwyneth Paltrow puts her pants on just like the rest of us: one tailor's stitch at a time.]

2:53 pm
Decisions, decisions … Which of these Neil Lane baubles should I borrow?

[Ed. note: Please go fuck yourself.]

2:53 pm
Finishing touches.

[Ed. note: FINISH HER!]

2:55 pm
David Babaii helps me get into my shoes. No task is too small for David!

[Ed. note: No task is too small for David! One time I made him clean up dog shit with his mouth! Guys, please just for a moment imagine the frame of mind that one must have to post about needing someone to help you put your fucking shoes on as if it is both interesting, fun, normal, and not the worst. WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER IMAGINATION!]

3:15 pm
In the car, almost there …

[Ed. note: Okayyyy!]

3:45 pm
Some major Audi traffic upon arrival at the Nokia Theater.

[Ed. note: Hahaha. WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON ANYMORE? Is this an actual slideshow of someone's boring vacation? Major Audi traffic? Cool. I wish this diary was LONGER.]

3:50 pm
It’s red carpet time.


[Ed. note: Uh, we all know what a red carpet looks like. And we've seen people get interviewed on TV before? Like, I hate this whole thing so much, but I can imagine a scenario in which someone offers an interesting perspective on the first-person experience of an event like this. This is not that scenario.]

My view

[Ed. note: You are the worst.]

4:30 pm
Ryan Murphy and I talk Glee with Access Hollywood.

[Ed. note: That's it? DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO ACTUALLY SAY? You are literally just wasting everyone's time now.]

4:59 pm
It’s a minute to show time, and I find my seat in the second row (right behind the cast of 30 Rock!) The seat filler before me was sweaty … so my chair was wet. Gross!

[Ed. note: That IS gross. But so are you for complaining about it. Just let it go, you're at the fucking Emmys in a million dollars worth of borrowed jewelry after a night in France for a friend's birthday dinner. Someone else has a human body. Fucking get over it.]

5:00 pm
The 63rd Primetime Emmy Awards begin, hosted by Jane Lynch from Glee!

[Ed. note: You've got to be kidding me. WE KNOW, GWYNETH! Just because we don't all get to GO to the Emmys doesn't mean we're not even allowed to HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT THEM.]

I live for Tina Fey and I love Kenneth from 30 Rock! Wait … why does my arm look like that and since when do I have 9 chins?

[Ed. note: I really wish this was on Twitter so Humblebrag could retweet the shit out of you. You're trying to be modest by making fun of your body, which we all know you have an entire STAFF to help you maintain, while having your picture taken with other celebrities who are not known for being incredibly fit or even necessarily attractive and you know also that you are easily the most famous person in the group. And also you don't LIVE for Tina Fey you liar.]

7:17 pm
I head backstage.

[Ed. note: How is this so much more boring and exhausting than the ACTUAL EMMYS?]

7:47 pm
Last minute touch ups before getting on stage.

[Ed. note: Incredible photo. Incredible insight into the human experience. You should get a Nobel Prize for Everything.]

7:50 pm
I present the award for “Outstanding Comedy Series.” The teleprompter clearly doesn’t work, so I ad lib.

[Ed. note: HAHAHAHA! What better way to show everyone how the teleprompter wasn't working than to show a photo of what looks to be a perfectly functional teleprompter? Also, can you cool it with the whole "ad libbing" thing? You said that during the awards, too, as if somehow saying "And the nominees for Best Comedy are" is some Second City Touring Company Long Form Harold shit. Relax]

7:55 pm
Done!

[Ed. note: Yay!]

8:00 pm
The show’s over, and we head to an incredibly delicious dinner at Scarpetta. We did a big pasta tasting with some nice Pinot Nero. Just the thing.

[Ed. note: I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE FUCKING DONE! (Also: "just the thing.")]

11:10 pm
Bedtime.

[Ed. note: You are an empty vessel, but also filled with ego. It's a fascinating (but not THAT fascinating) paradox.]

8:00 am
Me the next morning, a bit worse for wear but hanging on to my blow out!

[Ed. note: I suppose you are hoping that people will consider you brave and honest, or something, for posting a photo of yourself in the morning, but you're not. Nothing about you is brave or honest. Everything about you is self-indulgent and self-obsessed. Your idea of bravery and honesty is lazily posting the 100th picture of yourself in a lazy series of pictures of yourself. Get a grip.]

These beauties are going back to Neil Lane. Bye bye girls. I will miss you.

[Ed. note: Ugh.]

She needs to get whisked back to Paris.

[Ed. note: She needs to get whisked back to Paris. You know, a normal human being living two relatively boring days in their otherwise entirely typical life, if asked to describe how they spent 48 hours would inadvertently accidentally TRIP OVER some kind of interesting thought or insight into what it is like to be them at this given moment in time. But this famous woman leading what is by all accounts an extraordinary life managed to go from Paris to London to Los Angeles to the Emmy Awards and back to Paris without saying a single fucking thing. Incredible. UNSUBSCRIBE.]

Comments (66)
  1. This just chuffed the hell out of me. So good.jpg

  2. I found the missing entry:

    9:52 pm

    I whip my hair back and forth.

  3. “[Ed. note: WAIT! What happened between 9:30AM and 2PM? That’s almost five hours of lost time!” I like to imagine GwyPal goes into homicidal fugues and comes to in the makeup chair.

  4. “She needs to get whisked back to Paris.” yup. very hard work. sounds exhausting. you know what? compared to this, getting dry humped against an ice cream maker at a Drive Thru window makes for a pretty great life.

  5. At least she learned her lesson and started wearing longer dresses.

  6. You know what I keep forgetting? She was in ‘Shallow Hal.’ Kinda’ puts all of this into perspective, huh?

  7. Gwyneth Paltrow: the J. Peterman of superrich white women

  8. Clearly, taking care of email means that she was comforting her one of her PAs, whom she refers to Email. She is just as nurturing with her chef, Food, her driver, Car, and her Goop ghostwriter, Blog.

  9. Sure wish she had scheduled some time to pull that enormous, hand-crafted Brazilian Rosewood stick out of her ass. Maybe next year.

  10. I’m missing the entry where everyone tells her “Gwyneth, your dress looks terrible. Did you forget a part of it? Here, someone help Gwyneth search for the missing part of her dress. What? It’s supposed to be like that? Well… It looks terrible. I’m the eighth person to tell you that today? Huh, funny how that works.”

  11. 8:00 am
    Me the next morning, a bit worse for wear but hanging on to my blow out!

  12. I’d like to know what kind of play she performs with her children in such a short time — how does she get the handcrafted costumes ready and the scripts written and the makeup on, etc. Because the concept of putting on a play is cute. The use of the term “have a play” in reference to picking their jam-encrusted crap off the floor (she is a working mom after all) makes me want to claw out my eyeballs.

  13. I’m pretty sure that had I not read GP’s in-depth and provocative and appropriately lengthy investigation of the Emmys, I would have definitely probably wandered purposelessly into the street and gotten hit by a car that she may or may not have been driving.

    When Gwyneth lives, other people don’t die.

  14. Having seen how the Goop Sausage is Made, I am opting out of Goop products for good.

  15. “You realize it’s just the Creative Arts Emmy for a guest role on Glee, right? You don’t have to fly all the way from Paris to accept this. This award is not even going to be broadcasted. Oh, you’re still coming? Ok.”

  16. I wonder if by name-dropping things in GOOP she gets them comped and the $7500 a night suite and plane ride and things of that nature don’t cost her anything. Because that would be fair. Working mothers deserve a break. She works really hard, you guys.

  17. The part where she says she ad-libbed is what annoys me most. Because I bet the teleprompter worked fine, and she just read what it said. Why can’t she tell us, “But it’s harder than you think to get the timing right” or “That was stupid easy” or “This time they wrote a decent joke, hurrah”? What a phony.

    Background to justify my bitterness: I was a PA on a sitcom and there was a scene where the characters attended a protest. The producer handed me a bunch of posterboard and said “Props is swamped. You make the signs.” So I did. And it was 100% awesome to watch TV and see all my signs getting toted around.

    Years later, I bought the DVD. There was a commentary track. The actor carrying my best sign was talking. Someone interrupted him: “Hey, that’s a great sign!” I almost jumped off my couch.

    And he said, “Thanks. As I recall, we didn’t have much time to work on those. They basically handed me a marker right before the scene and that’s what came to mind.”

    Motherfucker…

    Anyway, this post in which Gabe points out that any other person would manage to have more insight on their life by accident is probably the best Gwyneth post yet. I am fully on board this train now. The anti-GOOP train. I will shovel the hate coal.

    • I require a name. I require a name IMMEDIATELY in order to fully enjoy this anecdote.

      And yes, Gwyneth is human detritus but these annotated entries are gold. I thank you, and the world thanks you, Mr. Gabriel Delahaye.

    • I’m not a Gwyneth apologist, but she *does* give credit to the people who sew her into her dresses and put on her makeup and rub her body in essential organic oils. Of course, I have it on good authority that she writes all her own signs with good pal Stella McCartney when dining on organic munchies after the kids go to bed… you know, just for fun. Stella got her into the very relaxing and therapeutic art of sign-making during London’s fashion week — and you don’t even want to know what a chaos factor that was! But after a hard day of not eating and going to the gym, they’d spend the night making their own paper, dying the felt of the felt-tipped pens with hand-picked indigo for just the right color of ink, etc. It’s really quite lovely. Such a worker, that Gwyneth is! Such a worker! You know, on stuff that really matters…

    • Welcome to the train. The Quad City DJs are here too!

      EVERYONE is on this train, GP. Even your dear friend Leonard.

    • The best part about the ad-libbing thing is that the teleprompter in the picture says, “Keep it short and sweet.”

      “‘Short and sweet’? That can’t be right. Must be broken.” — Gwyneth Paltrow

  18. Gabe, what do you mean, working teleprompter? The words are all in American, and she only speaks British!

  19. Looks ‘shopped.


  20. Dr. Lee does her Red Carpet thing.

  21. 8:00 am

    I made a joke to Chris that my creative arts Emmy would make a brilliant jewelry tree, hoping he would get the hint and surprise me by buying them. He just mumbled that maybe I should go and ask my Daddy.

    These beauties are going back to Neil Lane. Bye bye girls. I will miss you.

  22. Goddamnit Gabe, where are the makeup and hair straightening tips??

    • I really enjoyed this gem from the hairdresser who makes her hair oh so shiny:

      “I have had the great pleasure of working with Gwyneth for the past nine years. She has been not only a client but the most approachable, kind, supportive and fun loving person I know.”

      • “My own husband or wife, children and parents are a rancid maggot soup compared to Gwyneth.”

        Erf, why all the hyperbole when talking about how great she is? (Hint: she demands it. You are LUCKY to be invited to dinner at her manse.)

    • I lied. This is the best line in the whole world ever:

      “After all, hair is an accessory and Gwyneth is just perfection.”

  23. Ah yes, ‘The White Shadow’, clearly in the pantheon of Klassic Television. ‘You guys watch the new episode of The White Shadow last night?’ ‘Boy DID WE!’ – Conversations of th Past

  24. The only burning question I have after this is…why didn’t she wear the GIANT B necklace?! What exactly was that in reference to? Her BFF Beyonce?

  25. OMG, this was so good. Soooo good. Nothing funny to add. Oh, wait:

    2:00 pm
    Back in Paris. A bit hungry.

  26. Is “chuffed” the exact same thing as “chafed?” Because that is how my brain feels against the rest of my brain after reading that: chafed.

  27. “Kenneth from 30 Rock” doesn’t have a name, I guess. Hahaha. Cool, Gwyneth.

  28. From 9 am – 2 pm, she drank the blood of any up and coming young and beautiful actress she could find. After she yells at them – You’ve been Gooped!!!

  29. I hope Gwyneth doesn’t ever stop being her awful self.

    Pure entertainment.

  30. I looked up “chuff” in the dictionary (m-w.com) and she didn’t even use it right, in any context. I hate her.

  31. If she lives for Tina Fay maybe we could get Tina to tell her to fuck off

  32. I like to think of Gwyneth “chuffed” Paltrow as the female Patrick Bateman. So when you look at it that way, it becomes pretty obvious what she was doing for that unaccounted time and why she writes the way she does.

  33. I couldn’t possibly love this post anymore. Impossible. I am the opposite of Chuffed right now.

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