Last night was the season premiere of Two and a Half Men, and the first episode in which Ashton Kutcher replaced Charlie Sheen. It was watched by 28 million people. THAT IS SO MANY PEOPLE! That is literally too many people. Some of those people definitely should have been doing something other than watching Two and a Half Men. I mean, hey, you like what you like, and that is no problem, but I am just saying that if 28 million people decided NOT to watch Two and a Half Men and to instead spend that half hour in a concerted effort to make the world a better place, who knows what kind of breakthroughs we might achieve! (Complains the guy who didn’t watch the show because he was too busy making the world a better place by getting way too drunk on overpriced drinks in SOHO on a Monday night for heaven’s sake because his friend was in town as if that makes it better.) Anyway, I’m going to assume that not one single person who reads Videogum actually watched the show last night, which is a wishful and false assumption, but let’s all pretend that we are equally in the dark about what actually happened, and make up captions explaining what this show is even about. (I actually do not even know what it was about when Charlie Sheen was on it. It’s about two kidnappers holding a boy for ransom, yes? But it turns out the boy has progeria and looks like a man? A half man? Good guess!) Something tells me our caption ideas for this show will still be funnier than this show, which is not that big of a deal, because this show is terrible. But still.

Winner will receive special placement in this week’s Monsters’ Ball. WINNING DUH WINNING BUH BYE WINNING TORPEDO!

Comments (125)
  1. “we’re gunna have to clean up all this leftover coke before the half man gets home!”

  2. Dude where’s my Charlie Sheen?

  3. After years of estrangement, Bert returns to find that Ernie needs him now more than ever.

  4. Two & a Half Men: Peter Dinklage is the meat in a man sandwich.

  5. That 70s IQ Show

  6. Two and a Half Men: All the polish without any of the sheen.

  7. Two And A Half Men: A show about dick jokes.

  8. I’m sorry. The craigslist ad specifically said “No Warlocks.”

  9. ‘Did I just catch that dude fucking an urn of ashes?’

  10. The Dutch junkie from Treme terrorizing One and a Half Men.

  11. Eek! A man!

  12. Jon Cryer, as always, inexplicably on the inside looking out.

  13. Two and A Half Men Season Premiere: Welcome Entourage fans.

  14. “Do you know where I can find Anne Heche’s mansion?”

  15. HAHAHA! KELSO IS GOING TO MURDER/RAPE YOU! AND YOU WERE SCARED AND DROPPED YOUR DEAD BROTHER’S ASHES! OH! THAT IS GOING TO TAKE SOME VACUUMING! HAHAHAHA! COMEDY!

  16. What’s up with Topher Grace?

  17. Your parents watch this show. A show that consists mostly of crass sex jokes. Now let that sink in for a bit.

  18. Two and a Half Men: two shitty actors tangentially related to the brat pack take Judd Nelson’s skeleton out for a night of partying in Denver.

    Judd Nelson’s skeleton will be played by Judd Nelson:

  19. Semi-unrelated: If Chuck Lorre were British, would Americans call him “Chuck Truck?”

  20. I never knew Waldo was on that show!

  21. Okay, that’s Duckie, but Andie looks super weird in this remake.

  22. Holy shit! A necrophiliac! I better hide these ashes!

  23. A man is haunted by the ghost of a handsome but dirty hobo, whom he tries to defeat and send back to hell by destroying his ashes.

  24. I wish they had cast another kid, and renamed the show “Two Men”. It would be fun to watch its audience could puzzle that one out for a while.

    • It takes longer, even with a chalkboard handy, as the radiation wave technology deployed by this show specifically target the mathematics and humour centres of the brain, popping your neurons like the little star shaped grapes they are.

    • it would be fun could type grammar more better

  25. Wanna play Six Degrees of Demi Moore? I win.

  26. Two and a Half Men: propagating the myth that Ashton Kutcher is attractive since 2011

  27. HAHA PUNK’D IS ALL, CAN I GET YOUR AUTOGRAPH DUCKIE FROM PRETTY IN PINK? HA HA!

  28. *Jon Cryer holds some ashes, praying*

    JON: Please let someone take me away from this waking dream that is my life.

    *Ashton Kutcher appears at the door*

    ASHTON: Did somebody say waking dream? Have I got something for you. DRUGS! WAKKA WAKKA!

    *15 minute applause break*

    -End Act One-

  29. Wait, did they do another episode written by the staff of CSI? Also, why the hell do I know this?

  30. Really now, everyone knows that Ashton Kutchers are more afraid of you than you are of them!

  31. 28 Million People Can Be Wrong

  32. Now cut to the surely ridiculous reaction shot!

  33. “You hear about this? Yeah, apparently Ashton Kutcher is going to replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. Something something America is going to get Punk’d something something.”-–Leno, probably

  34. NIkon: Zoom into Life!

  35. Two and a Half Men: (FaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAART NOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISE)

  36. This is not a caption, but a TRUE STORY!

    In class today, my professor said, “I know all you did your homework last night instead of watching Two and a Half Men.”

    Then someone was like, “But it’s so funny!!!!!”

    And then I was all *GUNSHOT*

    • This is exactly why I work from home.

    • The CEO of CBS is your classmate?

    • THEY FOUND A FERAL CHILD IN THE WOODS IN GERMANY. Well, really, he wandered out of the woods and figured out how to get to Berlin’s city hall and mostly only speaks English and his parents are dead and his teeth look funny but did you know you can go into Wikipedia for like 4 hours and ONLY READ ABOUT FERAL CHILDREN and then you know about the little green children of Wolfham or whatever but those kids were green and holy shit another wolf-boy in our time? And the last recorded actual feral child was in the 70s in the Inland Empire of Southern California (hahahahahaha, meth) but really that story is sad and the kid was neglected. But that’s not the point — the point is that a boy lived in the woods and doesn’t know who he is and his teeth are funny so he’s probably British and if I stay in Wikipedia long enough reading about wolf children I won’t have to read ANYTHING about Charlie Sheen or this show and eventually both will die or get cancelled or go back into their forests of Germany or whatever. Also, I’ve had a lot of coffee today.

  37. OMG! Jesus is outside my door. Sexy, stupid Jesus.

  38. rather than re-cast the “charlie” character, the redhead maid gets a sex change.

  39. I’m going to Virgin Suicide you!

  40. “BAZOINGA!”

  41. Stabler: You say you didn’t watch 2 1/2 Men last night? Gabe: Naw, man, I was like too busy getting way too drunk on overpriced drinks in SOHO. Stabler: Oh, yeah? What’s your friend’s name? Gabe: You wouldn’t know him — he’s from Canada. Stabler: Well, what was the name of the bar? Gabe: The Gem Saloon? Stabler: You know what I think? I think you don’t have a friend. I think you sat in your little apartment and watched 2 1/2 Men. And I think you liked it.

  42. “That homeless man is telepathically stealing my SAND jar!!”

  43. OK, so there I was, wanking at my reflection, then guess what? Ashton Kutcher appeared! Jizz apocalypse, natch.

  44. punchlines now 2 and a half times louder!

  45. “Oh no!! I murdered the wrong guy!!!!!”

  46. Ashton: “Goddammit, Jon. You fuckin’ ASSHOLE! It’s always a fuckin’ travesty with you, man! And what the fuck was that shit about Vietnam? What the fuck does ANYTHING have to do with Vietnam? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”

    Jon: “Dude, I’m sorry. Fuck it, Kelso, let’s go bowling.”

  47. “Help! I am a simple man of the ’70s who accidentally time-traveled into the near future! Can I be on your show?”

  48. “I’m also getting payed 2 mill per episode, right?”

  49. “This show treats objects like women, man!”

    alternatively:

    “Stay out of Malibu, Ashton! Stay out of Malibu!”

  50. “I can’t tell if this is funny without a laugh track”

  51. “It’s a g-g-g-g-ghost!”

  52. Do you see, Ray? Do you see what happens when you fuck Demi Moore up the ass?

  53. Um, I’m here to audition for American idol?

  54. Be cool, guys. All our dads watch this show.

  55. “whoops my fart”

  56. Ashton Kutcher’s Character: “Meeeoow!”

    John Cryer’s Character: “Whooopsies!” **urn holding the remains of the half-man comically fly across the room**

    Studio Audience: “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA, HAHAHAHAHA, HAHAHAHAHAHAH, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!”

    **beat**

    John Cryer’s Character: “Well, someone’s gonna have to clean that up.”

    Studio Audience: “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA, HAHAHAHAHA, HAHAHAHAHAHAH, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!” **clapclapclapclapclap**

  57. Jon Cryer plays Davey, a ten-year-old boy trapped inside the body of a 32-year-old man trapped inside the body of a ten-year-old boy, who accidentally releases a genie, locked up in an urn since the 1970s, into his house while trying to order 100 cheese pizzas.

  58. “Say what you want about Two and Half Men, but it does a great job depicting realistic human behavior.” – sociopaths everywhere

  59. Real men don’t appear on Two and a Half Men.

  60. “Note: Charlie died on the way back to his home planet”

  61. Most of the laughs on this show were cheap, but I feel like this one they really urned.

  62. Sales Department Caption: “Remember, sell the shit out of this season premiere episode because ad rates are gonna drop about 60% starting the following week!”

  63. Ok I fuckin watched it, I admit. You know we have to wait a week to see the Emmys in Australia but Two and a Half men is on within 10 hours?

    Oh and there was a cameo by Dharma and Greg, totally relevant, im sure all the kids thought it was totally rad!

    No I don’t have any excuses for watching it either sorry people.

  64. This show is a bi-winner

  65. Is this the sign-up sheet for the official Two and a Half Men caption contest?

  66. Fool me once, sheen on you; fool me twice, KUTCHER on me.

  67. “Ashes to ashes, men to men to me-”

    -Charlie Sheen’s epitaph

  68. ernest (+ 28 million) goes to jail

  69. nope, chuck testa

  70. Cum on (the carpet)!

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.