weekend_at_bernies

If there’s one thing we can all agree on it’s the fact that as funny as it is to carry around a dead human body and pretend that it’s alive and to make it dance and waterski, even more than that it just sounds like a FUN thing to do. Friday niiiiight!!!! From the Denver Post:

Jeffrey Jarrett bought his roommate and a friend a round of drinks, Mexican food and a trip to strip club Shotgun Willie’s the night of August 27, authorities say.

But while Jarrett was present for some of the night’s fun, he wasn’t alive to enjoy any of it.

After a shorter, but boozier and less amusing real-life version of the film Weekend at Bernie’s, Denver prosecutors have charged two men with abusing a corpse, identity theft and criminal impersonation. Court papers say they loaded Jarrett’s body into a car and drove him to various stops around Denver for a night — including a bar and a restaurant — while they used his ATM card.

The two men are out on bail and aren’t being charged with their friend’s death (the cause of which hasn’t yet been determined), but also here’s another question: WHAT? Who, upon discovering their friend dead, thinks “What I need to do right now is go get some tacos and then hit a strip club,” much less “and also while I do that, I’m going to bring my dead friend’s body WITH ME!” I will tell you who thinks that, this dude:

“What?”

This is Robert Jeffrey Young, the 42-year-old roommate of the deceased. (The other suspect in the case is 25, which raises its own set of questions. How did these two bros meet and become friends? Over their mutual interest in Mexican food, strippers, and NECROMANCY, I’m sure.) At least Mr. Young’s face is perfect.

“He was my best friend. And he died. What was I supposed to do? NOT throw his corpse in the back of a car and use his ATM card to buy dinner?”

“Read your constitution!”

“It’s INSANE to me that I’m under arrest while the architects of the worst global financial crisis in three generations are back on Wall Street and it’s business as usual.”

“Livin de life!”

“This is what Jeff would have wanted.”

Obviously, our thoughts and prayers are with the Jarrett family during this difficult time. Although, some of our thoughts are still basically just, you know, WHAT?

Comments (44)
  1. But who was wearing the child’s cartoon costume?! These are the things we need to know.

  2. Uhhhh……you got any gum?

  3. This story would be a lot more surprising if it didn’t involve a 42-year-old with a roommate.

  4. Jeremy Piven got an Emmy????

  5. Can I just say, “Shotgun Willies” would not have been the first choice name for my strip club.

  6. Jeffrey Jarret is fucking dead…

    …DEAD SERIOUS ‘BOUT BUYING HIS ROOMMATE AND A FRIEND A ROUND OF DRINKS, MEXICAN FOOD AND A TRIP TO A STRIP CLUB!

  7. Grand Theft Corpse.


  8. “Me being a single guy, I thought it would be a good idea to use my dead friend like a mannequin in the back of my car. We were going to dress him up like a lady but he didn’t look very pretty in pink. Also, caddy shack 2″

    nailed it.

  9. If you look at this guy’s rap sheet, he’s had a history of this before. He was arrested in 2009 for lascivious and lewd acts in a public place with a Mannequin he swore was alive.

  10. “I have no idea what a Fudgesicle is, and no amount of explaining it to me in very simple layman’s terms will ever make me understand.”

  11. He looks like a broker.

  12. My only question is this: was this a plan that evolved after finding their friend dead, or was it agreed upon ahead of time that the first to die would be treated to the Bernie experience. Or, maybe this was Jarrett’s final wish, meaning that Mr. Young is only guilty of being a great friend.

  13. Need I remind everyone of this: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/09/nyregion/09dead.html

    It will forever remain my favorite necromancy attempt.

  14. “Bill, what have I said about distracting the suspects just before we take the picture?! It was funny the first three hundred times, but it’s not… Aw who am I kidding, it’s still pretty hilarious. Look at him! Over here big guy! DUH!”

  15. This is all well and good, but what is important is this new hit dance craze which i definitely busted out at wedding last week, not my wedding, but it honestly could have been my wedding, with how all of the ladies were suddenly like trying to get married with me you guys

    • And, like, what am I going to do, NOT post another example which features Teletubbies moving like Bernie?

    • Hot Lady: “Hi I noticed your dancing and I want to marry you but I have a few questions first.”
      Mailman: “Okay, uh… shoot”
      Hot Lady: “First of all, are you dead?”
      Mailman: “Am I dead?
      Hot Lady: “You seem dead.”
      Mailman: “Nope. I am alive.”
      Hot Lady: “Second Question: Would you like to get married? I mean, like, right now?”
      Mailman: “Uh, yes definitely. I mean, that is why I was dancing in the first place.”
      Hot Lady: “Great this is going very well. You’re doing very well. Just a few more.”
      Mailman: “Do go on.”
      Hot Lady: “Okay, what on earth is a fudgesicle. I just…I can’t seem to figure this out.”
      Mailman: “uhhhhhhh”

  16. I’m sure *all* of our thoughts are with “WHAT?” right now.

  17. Is it Jeffrey Jarret?
    NOPE! It’s just Chuck Testa.

  18. I can’t believe Madonna was such a bitch about those hydrangeas.

  19. I just called a house meeting. My housemates and I have agreed to put it into writing that we are all allowed to “Weekend at Bernie” our corpses.

  20. Oh no. This is going to make it on Videogum. I hope none of the Monsters recognize me.

  21. FINALLY!! Car pool lane all day everyday.

  22. Hey, I’m 23 and all of my friends are 30+ (the oldest being 44). It can happen?

    But yeah this story is creepy.

  23. I love that “abusing a corpse” is an actual thing. As if there are other things one could and/or should be doing with a corpse. They don’t exactly give out awards for being awesome to your friends’ corpse. “Great job with Jeffery’s corpse, Jimmy. We’re all real proud of you.”

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