This week’s movie trailers includes a trailer for what looks like one of the Worst Movies Of All Time, and also a couple of good trailers for movies that I think would be good. So, it’s kind of like life, you know, a little good and a little bad. Have you read Tuesdays with Morrie? “Work less. Go outside.” That old guy knew it all, I guess.

Premium Rush

I used to not like Joseph Gordon Levitt very much, but he was really good in Inception, so I’m basically on board now (although when he does non-acting stuff I still think he tries way too hard and I suspect that he just smells like so much flop sweat barely masked by crazy expensive but unassuming cologne all the time–and OK, yeah, maybe I DO imagine what Joseph Gordon Levitt smells like and OK can we just talk about the trailer now?!) and this movie looks fine, although anytime there is a movie that is basically like all the other movies (i.e. a time-limited secret envelope heist thriller) but it has some new twist (bike messengers!) I’m already pretty exhausted by all of the boring exposition I know I’m going to have to sit through explaining what a fucking “fixie” is, or whatever.

The Awakening

Ghosts + Downton Abbey Boys School Style + DETECTIVE MCNULTY = Yes log10 to the Yes degree.

We Bought A Zoo

HOLY MOLY! I have been waiting ALL WEEK to write about this trailer because HOLY MOLY!!!! What the hell IS THIS?! “Based on a True Story.” Sure. To be fair, every time I meet a single father struggling to raise to young daughters, my first advice to them is always to quit their jobs, buy a zoo, and fall in love with a 23-year-old. Mr. Cool Parenting Style. Also, how on EARTH do you go to look at a house and not know that it is actually a zoo? Even J.B. Smoove is like “Uhhhhh.” Matt Damon’s character may still have all of his hair, but he does not have a lot of COMMON SENSE! LOLOL. This looks terrible. Dare I say worse than Elizabethtown?

Red Lights Teaser

Really? That’s enough these days? Robert DeNiro with a fact cataract contact lens sitting on the edge of a bed with some Number 23 title cards and we are supposed to actually care? Or might I suggest that is not nearly enough and so far so nothing.

Goon

This is not for me, but knock yourself out. Get it? Hockey fight joke!

The Raid

There is something to be said about the fact that we live in a world so desensitized to violence that at this point one can theoretically compel audiences to attend a movie simply by showing that it will have a lot of it (violence) without really showing even the slightest hint of what the movie is about. (I suppose we know what SWAT teams are, and the movie is called The Raid, so I am sure it’s another heartwarming story about the military industrial complex’s hard-fought battles to make the world such a better place. But still.) It’s probably a little sad and maybe even very disconcerting that we’re so detached from the moral weight of these things. But whatever. I’d see this.

The Big Year

So, this is The Bucket List minus the terminal illness? Neat! Can’t wait!

13

This movie looks super good. Not joking. It looks really dark and intense and action-packed and I like Jason Statham and I like Mickey Rourke and Michael Shannon even better, and OK, 50 Cent is in it, but maybe not very much (see also: Eric the Vampire and Sloane from Entourage, but STILL) and it just looks very good. Fingers crossed!

Comments (39)
  1. Did Matt Damon just become a dad in movies overnight? Like in Contagion how did he have a 17 year old daughter? Wasn’t he just 17?

  2. Wow, I really need to start ordering rush service when I call for a messenger pickup to my office (#swag) because the messengers that show up here look NOTHING like any of these people and if they smelled like flop sweat, it would be a huge step improvement. And all of their ‘messenger bags’ are made out of newspaper and duck tape.

  3. Jesus, that Zoo trailer. They should’ve replaced the Sigur Ros song with BTO’s “Takin Care of Business” because there is nothing sad about owning lions and living next to Scarlett Johansson

  4. Two reasons to get on board team JGL: Brick and The Lookout.

    • “I didn’t know that the brick was bad.”

      Seriously tho, Brick was a lot of fun (unless you’re someone who can’t wrap their heads around a high-school-as-literal-detective-film-noir).

  5. I would have thought you’d need some kind of special knowledge or skills to run a zoo, but that trailer said otherwise.

    With that in mind, I’d like to invite you all to join me in founding the first ever zoo spun off from a medium sized pop culture blog. I’m calling it The Monster Zoo, which will in no way deter children from visiting.

  6. Cool story time. My uncle owns a restaurant in Chicago and Michael Shannon eats there pretty frequently. According to my aunt, he is just as strange / somewhat unsettlingly creepy IRL as he is in most of his acting roles.

  7. Looks better than Tyler Perry’s upcoming Tyler Perry’s Why Did We Buy A Zoo?

  8. Was the trailer for Killing Bono too graphic to post? Now I have to imagine what the movie is. I think like the Saw movies, but with an uplifting anthem in it.

  9. The “REAL” Story

    Benjamin Mee has finally settled his family in a French barn/house and has settled in to write a book when his father dies and his siblings begin to consider purchasing a zoo. His 76 year old mother supports this idea, but negotiations fall apart and each sibling returns to their lives. Mee and his wife Katherine and son Milo and daughter Ella are busy with daily life when a health problem strikes Katherine and the Mee family is just trying to survive. In the midst of this the zoo becomes available again and after protracted negotiations and countless compromises the family, minus one brother purchase the zoo which they rename Dartmoor Wildlife Park.

    Life at the zoo is a continuing series of struggles as the family tries to return the park to a financial success. The children and the staff come to respect and love the animals. Of course there are unexpected crisis…escaping cats, sick animals, sick family and the countless health inspections. We Bought a Zoo is a delightful glimpse into what it takes to run a small private zoo and a glimpse of what might be referred to as the eccentricity of the British. I appreciated the honest account of one family’s plunge into chasing a dream. While the story sometimes holds the reader at arm’s length, it is a heartwarming read.

  10. “13 Tzameti” was amazing, so hopefully “13″ will be really good too. American remakes of foreign films are always great, right?

  11. I saw an advanced screening of We Bought a Zoo, and if you sit through the credits, there is a bonus scene that sets up the sequel:

  12. That Russian Roulette league in the 13 trailer is probably already something people are doing with Supersoakers in Bushwick.

  13. URGH. Tzameti is one of my all time faves, the trailer for the remake looks fucking woeful. WHY YOU DO THIS TO ME?

    • I am inclined to give 13 a break because it’s still written and directed by Géla Babluani (who did the original) — probably just victim to Hollywood Trailer-itis (like say implying Sam Riley isn’t the main character). But if anyone out there hasn’t seen (13) Tzameti, get on Netflix right now and watch it and try not to have a heart attack from anxiety…in a good way.

  14. I didn’t even watch the preview for 13. Doesn’t matter. It’s got STATHAM, which means I’M SO THERE.

  15. Premium Rush = this generation’s Gleaming the Cube?

  16. Premium Rush – Does anyone else hate watching trailers through Yahoo? It really is the worst but that may be just my experience. ‘Stick around for the post-trailer ad!’ No. ‘This trailer will stop and start up again every nine seconds!’ Jesus. Anyway, this looks fun? I enjoy JGL because he is charming and cute. Two very good qualities in a lead actor!

    The Awakening – Ooh I wanna make a joke about this being a sequel to ‘The Happening’ so bad! I’ll refrain. This trailer didn’t really capture my attention? The way I figure the ghost is either a fake (yawn) or real (double yawn). Either way, turn up the color saturation on this movie!

    We Bought A Zoo – Absolutely terrible, a nightmare of a trailer. Poor Thomas Hayden Church having to deliver that atrocious dialogue. This. Look. Abysmal.

    Red Lights – Jesus, no. Enough already about the truth being the greatest illusion of all or whatever. Is this ‘The X-Files 3′? Thanks for bringing us that teaser, MTV.

    Goon – Not available in my country. Moving on!

    The Raid – Saw this earlier in the week. I remember a lot of running, some guns, maybe a fight or two. Pretty sure it’s a foreign version of ‘Tower Heist’.

    The Big Year – Words kind of can’t (but kind of can and will) describe how much I disliked that opening bit in which a clearly dead inside Steve Martin mugged while introducing his co-stars. That was really sad and depressed me just a bit. But anyway I’m sure people living in this shitty economy would love to watch a movie about three pricks who can afford to race around the world. Nice mild gay panic joke, too. ‘You two might have possibly had gay sex?!’ ‘Don’t ask!’ LOL

    13 – Ugh, Yahoo. I can’t spend another ten minutes trying to watch a two-minute trailer. But Statham looks great in that hat. I enjoy his work!

  17. I’m sorry, I really like JGL, and I’m sure I will see Premium Rush at some point, but it doesn’t look very good.

    Did that guy actually ask JGL if he needed backup? Bike messenger backup?

  18. I heard Red Lights is actually a Fockers prequel, about Jack’s time in the CIA. I hear lots of things, though.

  19. Ppoo?!!??!!?

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.