Oh wait. A joke about SpongeBob SquarePants being OUR generation’s Gumby is not actually that funny. You know, because of how HE IS LITERALLY OUR GENERATION’S GUMBY. You know what else isn’t funny? Dudes dressing up as children’s cartoon characters and harassing women on the street. From the LA Times:

A man dressed as SpongeBob SquarePants was detained by police outside Grauman’s Chinese Theatre in Hollywood, officials said Wednesday.

The man was questioned but not arrested Tuesday in what a Los Angeles Police Department official described as a “brief incident with two females.” No other details were available.

You know what, Hollywood? How about no more adult-sized costumes of cartoon characters? They are clearly only for criminals. This is actually a perfect plan (to combat the perfect crimes) because let’s be honest, there is absolutely no reason for an adult to NEED a costume of a cartoon character, ever, not even on Halloween–Grow up, boys!–so this way if you make the costumes illegal contraband then as soon as you hear an adult ask “Hey, where are your Huckleberry Hound costumes?” you just arrest them on the spot before the crime is even committed! What do you think, precogs?

“I told you that was a good idea yesterday, Gabe, right before you said ‘What idea?’”

Oh right. Haha. Love you, precogs!

“We knew that.’”

Right, no, I know. Haha. OK.

“Good luck tomorrow.”


“You’ll see. PRECOGS OUT!’”

Ugh. Precogs.

Comments (29)
  1. They knew they had the right guy, because his pants went from Square to Pentagonal.

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      • zhutio, I find tragedy in your tale. Like Miss America, your beauty is curse, keeping men at a distance who are too timid to approach. Doomed to a life of cold lonelines, your only lifeline is a lowly dating site, the refuge of so many lonely people before you. A desperate cyber outpost littered with clipped out Cathy comics and empty boxes of Lean Cuisine and stinking of cats and desperation. This is not a place for a a stunning creature, such as yourself.

        Alas, the tale has a tragic twist. You see, I can offer you no help. No support. No love. I belong to another. My ship has sailed. However, I will keep you in my hear and tell your sad tale of your twisted curse to the lonely souls I meet in my travels as a fair warning.

        Goodbye, my dear zhutio. You deserved better.

      • Yeah nice try Wealthybar.com!

        I signed up for your stupid service. That’s right. And I met a bunch of people. And then I even found someone cute that seemed interested in me. Or so it seemed.

        From her picture I could tell she was gorgeous. She seemed a little anxious in her messages to me, but maybe that was just how she talked. She LOVED Elvis, and cars and Superman, and hated bees, and just like me, and I was totally blown away. She told me she had a few famous relatives, but couldn’t reveal who they were, which I totally understood…I mean, we just met, and over the Internet I might add, so I got that the trust wasn’t there yet.

        We exchanged messages for awhile, and after a few very lengthy, very intimate ones, I asked if we could me. She agreed, but she didn’t want to go out anywhere because (she reveal) she herself was a something of a celebrity. Okay, I said, Well what do you suggest?

        Why don’t you come over to my place? she said but maybe you should wear something sexy… Well, I was taken aback! A beautiful, rich and famous lady being this bold…well I simply couldn’t resist the chance to ruffle her feathers right back Why don’t I just wear…nothing at all?

        Perfect. she wrote back. I’ll leave the door unlock, and I’ll be in my study. Come by tonight at 10. See you soon.

        Well I can’t tell you how excited I was. I left that night in a bathrobe, drove into Orange County, pulled up to the massive house, got out, disrobed, and opened the front door. I walked in, and there were Elvis paintings and framed Comic books everywhere. It was freezing in there, I guess to maintain the quality of the comic books? Either way, I couldn’t take it. I went into the front closet quietly and grabbed a Leather Jacket. (I figured it was still pretty sexy) and continued on through the house.

        As soon as I got to the kitchen, I realized the tremendous temperature change. Whoa, Nelly I thought I’m burning up! I opened the freezer to get some ice, and noticed some “Fudgesicles.” Having never heard of them before, I was curious – I opened them to discover they were, in fact, a Frozen Ice-Cream-Like snack. I thought Oh hey, how sexy will it be if I walk in there with this leather jacket and eating a fudgsicle. Of course, I was very wrong, but hey, we all make mistakes in the throes of passion.

        Anyways, I opened the door to the study, and sitting there was Nick Cage. He gave me a slow applause, stood up, and started shaking his head and increasing the rate of applause. I screamed, waking up his wife who started down the stairs I could hear to see what was the matter, and as he started shushing me I ran the hell out of there. He never pressed charges, and I never heard from him since. Your dating site sucks.

      • spamming the comments of a trampoline accident video site doesn’t seem very mature.

  2. At least show if the girl was hawt or not before you go damning the sea sponge, AMERICA. It’s a sea sponges right to choose to sexually harass, not the government’s. #blueangels

  3. the picture looks like Spongebob was run over by that bus.

  4. This was a terrible idea from the get-go. You can’t just moisten ladies with a sponge.

  5. At times like this, I wish the Ugly Barnacle were real. D:



  6. The story would have won the Pulitzer had it included, “Squarepants, a popular cartoon sponge who resides in a pineapple, is well-known for nautical nonsense.”

  7. Paul F. Tompkins had a stand-up bit awhile ago about a guy on Hollywood Blvd. dressed as Freddy Krueger who stabbed a random guy, because turns out the knives on his hands were real. It’s funny. Oh, look, here’s a video. http://bit.ly/cspNmH

  8. That shot looks like one of those Grand Theft Autos.

  9. I have more respect for home-made costumes.

  10. in a related story, “web” slinging spider man remains at large.

  11. That’s really weird, I just saw Minority Report last weekend, and now Gabe makes precog jokes, and the Daily Show made a precog joke a few episodes ago. Did the world just watch Minority Report too?

  12. Sorry Gabe. I think I beat you to the punchline on this one: http://videogum.com/367882/the-perfect-crime-robbing-7-11-in-a-gumby-costume/justice/comment-page-1/#comment-8852912 …or at least Canada did?

  13. There is video for this. Spongebob actually got his ass kicked.

  14. I guess he wasn’t “spongeworthy.” amirite?


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