A couple of years ago, a young, would-be stand up comedian named Justin Hagerman won a contest on the radio that led to an invitation to perform his comedy on the TV morning news. Already a dream come true, I’m sure. The perfect time of day to tell jokes in what has to be one of the single most intimate and laugh-inducing environments on Earth: an overly-air-conditioned television studio filled with blinding lights and total strangers who normally talk about car crashes and whether or not your dog’s food is poison. Oh wait, what’s this now? This morning’s broadcast would feature a special live studio audience made up of young children wearing hockey jerseys? SO THIS IS BASICALLY A DREAM COME TRUE IS WHAT YOU ARE SAYING! This song knows what Justin Hagerman is talking about.


“No fair!” – Paul F. Tompkins
“I worked all my life to get a break like this and this kid just lucks into it? Fuck.” – Louis C.K.
“No fair!” – Aziz Ansari
“It will just be interesting now to see what happens with his comedy career since he peaked so early. Good luck, pal! It’s a long way down from the mountain.” – Gilbert Godfried
“No fair!” – Patton Oswalt

On your feet, ladies and germs. (Via TheDailyWhat.)

Comments (33)
  1. I just thought of a cool prank to play on Gabe at Mr. Coconuts next week.

  2. “I’m pooping” – the audience.

  3. This guy doing material aimed at adults in front of children is basically a reverse Gallagher.

  4. Why don’t they make the monkey bars out of the airplane food?!?

  5. “This looks like h-e-double hockey sticks.”

    Me, trying to win whatever contest this dude won. #probablynotgoingtowin

  6. Study hall — who is that for?

  7. This guy is on his way to the top. Crawling, inching, sweating, blinded by wind and gritty sand, his bare feet bleeding as they’re lacerated by the sharp rocks beneath his body. But on the way nonetheless!

  8. “No, but seriously… I am kinda jealous” – Dane Cook

  9. In Soviet Russia, children in hockey masks make unfunny jokes at YOU.

    Seriously, Soviet Russia is a nightmare you guys.

  10. No fair! – Nick Madson

  11. the last time i had a handful of sperm and asked some 10 year olds if they were afraid of dying, i……nope. nevermind. Look! a duck!

  12. The silence after buttery justice was deafening. I’d start stealing from Henny Youngman at that point and say “Take my Nintnedo Wii, please!”

  13. I think he left number four off his list: shave or grow actual, adult facial hair.


    • And what’s the deal with learning cursive writing? I mean, really, do we need another way to write? You know what I mean. If it were me, I wouldn’t teach cursive writing, I’d teach cursing writing! Am I right, people? Boy I love swearing, oh yeah. Only thing I love more than swearing? POKEMON. but what’s the deal with it? Is it like, something I’d find on a Rastafarian facebook. Am I right? Sorry did I say Facebook? I meant CRAYONS! I love crayons. Dontcha hate it when your crayon gets all dull I mean seriously, make more black and brown crayons crayola! This white one is still sharp as a tack!

  15. Next up, a lucrative endorsement deal with Canyonero.

  16. NOPE! Can’t do it. I can’t finish it. No way.

  17. “I call it the Aristocats.”

  18. Alternatively, “Harry Potter? I hardly know ‘er!”


  20. No lies: I came up with that electric chair popcorn bit when I was like 12 (Morbid kid; don’t ask). I used to talk about it all of the time.
    I guess my material just got sucked into the engines on his rocket-ship of success.

  21. saying “what else”=pro as fuck

  22. He’s a comedian! My own subtle for of humour is the use lots of exclamation marks!

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