Lafayette and Jesus are enjoying a gorgeous outdoor brunch and boy did they earn it after last week’s episode. Eat up, boys, you must be famished! Jesus can kind of tell that something is up with Lafayette because he’s sitting completely still and not saying anything and his hands are resting palms down on the table and his eyes are tracking Jesus like guided missiles, all of which is to say that Lafayette is acting a little bit funny, but that doesn’t stop Jesus from basically delivering a monologue. Now, I’m no relationship expert, but I say that if your partner is completely unresponsive to the first couple of things you have to say, take them to a doctor, don’t just prattle on. Who knows, they might be possessed by a witch who is going to stab you in the hand with a fork. Whoops! Lafayette stabs Jesus in the hand with the fork. But not before the show gives us lots of menacing close ups of the fork. Here is Lafayette holding the fork up by his face. Here is the fork being stuck into an egg. Here is the fork with egg dripping from its tines. It’s like Chekov said, if you put a brunch fork on the mantle in Act I, that brunch fork better get sunk into a human hand by the end of this show is awful. (It’s also worth pointing out that last week’s teaser for this week’s finale SHOWED LAFAYETTE STABBING JESUS IN THE HAND WITH A FORK, like, we get it! Is there something I’m missing? Is this more amazing than I even fathom?!) STAB STAB STAB! EGGS EGGS EGGS!

So, Marnie has possessed Lafayette and she wants to take all of Jesus’s powers.

Sure. She doesn’t exactly explain what she wants to do with his powers, and I also am having a little bit of trouble even understanding what the Marnie plotline is about anymore. At the beginning of the season she was a shy candle-dipper with an incense store, and now all of a sudden she’s the most powerful witch in the land? At first she just got her powers from the 400-year-old witch that was possessing her but now she’s in charge? It kind of doesn’t make a lot of sense, which is why it is perfect for this show. Anyway, Lafayette/Marnie ties Jesus to a chair and demands that he give her all of his powers and if he refuses she is going to kill Lafayette and also something about how she doesn’t feel pain but Lafayette still does, which, sure, I mean, it is very consistent with how the rules are constantly made up as we go along.

But, so, Jesus is like “I don’t know how to give you my powers or if that is even possible,” and then two seconds later HE JUST STRAIGHT UP GIVES HER HIS POWERS. He knows the magical power-swap incantation and everything! That was a lot easier than Marnie thought, probably. Then Lafayette/Marnie stabs him with a kitchen knife. Awww. And the day before he was going to retire from magic! R.I.P. Jesus.

Speaking of brunch, Sookie and Tara are also having brunch. Best gal pals! They’re reminiscing over all the crazy things that have been happening lately. “What are we, magnets for fucking craziness?” Tara asks. “I hope not,” Sookie says. YOU HOPE NOT? It is a little late for hoping not. You have dated two vampires and are flirting with a werewolf, you are a telepathic fairy, and you just beat a witch one year to the day after you beat a Greek goddess. The question of whether or not you are a magnet for “fucking craziness” is pretty much settled. Sookie says that she sees Gran watching over her, which it turns out is foreshadowing for later when Gran’s ghost appears. Phew. Good thing they set that one up, because now it definitely makes sense and this show isn’t just a random collection of inexplicable garbage that pops up as a matter of convenience to lazy writers. “She mentioned her Gran at brunch. This is a very good show. Best Writing Of A Show Oscars.”

Let’s get some boring dumb stuff out of the way because we’ve only covered the first five minutes of the show so far: so, Jason tells Hoyt that he fucked Jessica doggystyle and Hoyt punches him in the eye so Jason puts a popsicle on it because that’s a thing and then Jessica comes over and they fuck some more because that is what best friends do. After fucking they have a really soulful conversation about blowjobs or something? It’s gross. Then Jessica FASTRUNS out of the house, which is always hilarious. There is a knock at the door and it is that anti-Vampire pastor from last season but now he’s a vampire? And that’s it because somehow that is supposed to be a cliffhanger? Also, Andy Bellefleur asks that witch-waitress out on a date holy moly WHO CARES. Sam visits Tommy’s grave and Hoyt’s mom says that she’s Sam’s mom now (?) and then Sam and his girlfriend kiss. MOVING ON:

So, Jesus is dead and Marnie/Lafayette has his Cirque Du Soleil mask and out of literally nowhere, Vampire Bill and Vampire Eric are chained to a funeral pyre? Oh, they will probably explain how that happened at some point NOPE JUST KIDDING.

As with all of these things, they are best done on the front lawn. Always. Tara and Sookie show up with Andy Bellefleur’s new girlfriend. They try to reason with Marnie/Lafayette but that doesn’t work for some reason. At which point Andy Bellefleur’s girlfriend secretly (haha) makes a ring of protection around everyone with a thing of TABLE SALT and begins to incant both the FORCEFIELD SPELL and also the MAGIC RAISING OF ALL THE SPIRITS SPELL.

Uh, how did everyone suddenly become very magical? No time to explain! Bill and Eric are on fire! Of course, fire doesn’t kill vampires? So I’m not sure what the point of this even is? Did this show seriously forget that FIRE DOESN’T KILL VAMPIRES? And we have to be the ones to remember that? Good grief! Please, True Blood, pay the mildest of attention to what your show is even about for the love of FUCK.

Anyway, Sookie’s grandma’s ghost somehow expels Marnie’s spirit from Lafayette’s body because now ghosts are magical sorcerers. Also Antonia’s ghost is there even though I thought she went to heaven? And then there are all these ghosts who just hang out about 50 feet away at the edge of the graveyard because I guess they were summoned but they don’t feel like participating? Lazy ass ghosts. Marnie learns that it’s better to just be a dead ghost than a vampire, because vampires are immortal and that’s the worst. OK. I mean, that would be true if vampires could feel emotions, but they can’t, so it’s not actually the worst for them. You have to understand what the worst is like as an experience for it to actually matter.

But so, Marnie goes to heaven and Sookie’s Gran offers her the timeless wisdom of ageless heaven which is I guess that you don’t need to always have a boyfriend and sometimes it’s best to be single for awhile? That’s true, but is that really the best she can offer? “Register an account with OK Cupid. I am from heaven!” Lame.

Meanwhile, the fairy plotline from the beginning of the season continues to be completely unmentioned and unresolved. PURRRRRFECT.

So, Sookie, following her dead grandmother’s advice, breaks up with both Vampire Bill AND Vampire Eric.

Maybe she’ll date Alcide now? That is the implication when Alcide visits her at the restaurant and tells her to fall in love with him. She says some nonsense about how she can’t change who she loves, which, honestly, you’ve done it a bunch of times already, Sookie, so, yes, you can. Meanwhile, Pam is so upset that Eric doesn’t like her anymore that she sweeps everything off of Eric’s desk. YIKES! She does it with SUPERSPEED and oh man, SUPERSPEED makes me laugh so much every time. She talks about how dumb Sookie’s name is and how she can’t believe her bond with Eric was broken by someone named Sookie and I think this is supposed to be, like, some kind of winking self-awareness but the fact of the matter is YOUR SHOW MADE UP THIS NAME SO WHAT IS THE POINT OF THEN MAKING JOKES ABOUT THE NAME? IT’S KIND OF LAZY AND BORING AND WE’VE BEEN SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT SOOKIE’S LOVE LIFE AND ADVENTURES FOR FOUR YEARS NOW, SO YOU KIND OF CAN’T JUST SHIT ON HER FOR STUPID REASONS AT THIS POINT IT’S TOO LATE?!

And now, on to the cliffhangers: there is the aforementioned vampire priest in a purple Polo shirt. There is the Andy Bellefleur might go on a date with a waitress. (Shivers.) Alcide goes to his work at the parking lot (?!) only to find out that someone has torn a hole in the concrete, which is where the old Vampire King was buried. So I guess he is coming back next season oh boy can’t wait who’s the most excited? (AND ONCE AGAIN: you kind of can’t have a vampire being buried in silver chains and three feet of concrete as an exciting and important conclusion to a storyline if you’re just going to have a 30 second scene one year later where he’s not buried in concrete anymore? It would be almost impossibly crazy to even think about how awful and lazy this show is if I didn’t have an Entourage SERIES finale recap still to write.)

Jesus’s ghost visits Lafayette and tells him not to worry about him being dead because “I probably would have gotten cancer.” Uh, what? WHAT? Dude was, like, 29 years old. Between this and the part where Tommy had a “right to choose his time” this show has VERY distorted ideas about illness and dying and whether or not it’s best to just die right away and not even bother living a long and fulfilling life before succumbing to illness in your old age which is totally natural and not some disgusting awful nightmare thing that obviates every experience that came before it? You OK, Alan Ball? Do you need someone to talk to?

The Vampire Prime Minister comes to visit Vampire Bill and Vampire Eric and she explains that there is a death warrant out on them, but she doesn’t actually explain why? Then she says that she got fired from her job and she wants them to join her in a revolution against the Vampire Government. Then Eric kills all of her guards and Bill stabs her with a croquet mallet and screams “WE ARE NOT PUPPIES!”

Then Eric looks at her blood pile and says “What a bitch.” Cool ending to a very fun and interesting plotline.

And then, of course, came the finale cliffhanger of the season. Are you guys sitting down? Because it’s weird to read your computer standing up but also you aren’t going to BELIEVE what happens next:

If the next season starts with Bill and Eric rushing in and feeding Tara vampire blood and healing her in two seconds or if in any other way it turns out that Tara is not dead, I would be so mad, but I won’t care, because hopefully I will be dead before this show returns for another season. Don’t cry for me. I have the right to choose my time, and I probably would have gotten cancer. Besides, heaven is great. I learned all about relationships. Break up with your boyfriend. Something something werewolf.

This show ends like dog shit.

Comments (85)
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  3. Hahahaha. The writers are all “Die Tara Die!” and then next season they’ll be all JK!! “The Tara The!”

  4. Isn’t that cap at the top from Jesus: The Last Firebendurrrrrr?

  5. Hey, not to nitpick, but fire killed vampires in the very first season. Like 3 of em. Thanks!

  6. Tara is dead? Finally I can start watching again.

  7. As silly and lazy as this show is, I actually enjoyed this season. See you next year True Blood!

  8. Magic’s not like POKEMON CARDS! #DUHHHH

  9. final video is perfect. i don’t have anything snarky to say because i don’t watch this show because it seems like proof we should have let the south secede. i just enjoy how much that video made me laugh.

    • Aww, come on. We’re not all that bad. This show really just goes hard to reinforce stereotypes that we’ve worked hard to get rid of. We’re not all werewitchvampanthers! –someone from a place that might not even actually be part of the south so I guess you never know

    • Yes, supersloth… True Blood is a spot-on representation of life in the south. Well done, sir!

  10. I don’t watch this show, but doesn’t it seem like after centuries of learning you’d figure out how to live without getting into kitchen shootouts? Rookie mistake, immortal creatures of the night!

    • No one in the kitchen shootout was immortal, so no

      • This is what I get for never watching. Isn’t Sookie a vampire? If not, why not? For safety’s sake she should get herself vamped up quickstyle, since there are so many shootouts in her kitchen. Plus, then she’d glitter in sunlight!

  11. Although the vampires don’t have Sookie anymore, they are looking great.

  12. My favorite part was when Renee the sociopath, serial killer, baby possessor, came back to tell Arlene to be careful of dangerous Terry. I wonder what they’ll come up with that trumps being a sociopath serial killer who possesses babies.

  13. It’s not like I freaked out when all the awesome things happened and/or was crazy into this episode or anything…


    I honestly love this show for its ridiculousness, as the FB caption for last week’s post said, I watch this show for two reasons. Reason #1, I love it, Reason #2, these amazing recaps.

  14. Also I really feel really fulfilled today. I wonder why….


  15. This is your ex-recapgirlfriend. Game of Thrones is your new recapgirlfriend!

  16. That was a good ending. They killed off the most annoying characters in the last 2 episodes.

    Am I crazy or is that mask scary as fuck because I think it’s scary as fuck?

  17. Here’s a thought- maybe the Fairy World from the beginning of the series was the Matrix and Sookie metaphorically chose the blue pill (wherein she jumped off the cliff with her grandpa) meaning that we’re NEVER going to get to know the magical mystery behind it.

  18. All Gabe needed was a Wire reference and he would have somehow connected True Blood to all my favorite HBO shows in one post.

  19. I hope next season starts with us finding out this season was all a dream, and that Jesus and Bobby Ewing are really still alive.

  20. We don’t like Tara right?

      • I like her Juuuust the waaaaay she iiiiiiis

        • …just the way she iiiiiiis, or, as Gabe would guess, just the was she will be until a previously unmentioned spell that had been cast on her as a child by a werewolf wizard sends her soul into a baby that is born the moment she died. In a very surprising and difficult plot twist, Tara will then return to her normal age b/c of vampire magic, Sookie missing her, science, and, duh, really good writing.

  21. Correct me if I’m mistaken, but hasn’t time in True Blood world only spanned a year + few months? I know Sookie was gone for 1 year before this season started, but didn’t all the previous seasons happen during a few short weeks in Bon Temp?

    Point is, you cannot make a f-ing TEEN MOM 2 reference and have a werewolf answer his WHITE iPhone in the same scene. At least keep your weird ass product placements relevant, you dumb show.

  22. Sookie is a real name. So’s Buffy! But Renee was proven to not actually be creole and his ghost speaks with the fake accent he affected for his long con. I…want more ire about this. Rewrites!

    • this part killed me. like since that was actually his ghost, why is that asshole still speaking in his fake accent that he learned from that stupid handbook Sookie found?

  23. Why does witch Marnie get to go to heaven, scot free, when she just killed a buncha folks, not to mention one named JESUS, which, given the standards of writing on this show, really might have been an accident and not a metaphor at all.

    • How do any of them not go to jail? I mean, Lafayette was possessed when he killed Jesus, but what law official is going to buy that? What’d they do with the body? Did they even report it? Is it just so backwards in Bon Temps (and/or expected) that they stop reporting homicides or missing people?

  24. Can we talk for a minute about how Lafayette keeps getting possessed and doing really obviously, dramatic, memorably illegal shit, and nobody ever even MENTIONS it later?

    “Kidnapped our baby and held him at gunpoint? Cut your boyfriend’s throat? LOL, you crazy gay medium fry cooks!”

    I mean I guess we can’t talk about that, because if we’re setting the bar that high we will literally be here all day. But I kind of needed to say something.

  25. Add all that to the fact that the last episode took place on Halloween. The writers were like, “Let’s skip to the end of October to milk this witch/brujo nonsense for all it’s worth. Maybe the lack of methpanthers plotlines after episode 6 will piss off enough people so that they wouldn’t notice.” The best scene of the night though was where Gran rips Marnie out of Lafayette’s throat. I wanna do that to some non-possessed people I know. Also how ugly is that potential fairy-Bellefleur hybrid going to be? I hope Morella was using some fairy protection. She wakes up in a pile of her own fairy-sick with her tutu skirt half-off.

  26. I feel like even the actors gave up last night. It seemed like when Bill and Eric were tied to the stake, they were both trying not to bust out laughing. Then when each of them had one of Sookie’s wrists sucking her blood later, it was almost like she was trying not to laugh. I don’t know, maybe I’m just hoping that the actors are cooler than they really are? You know what, that’s probably, definitely it. Never mind!

  27. heyyyyyyy noel from “felicity.” i can’t wait to wait for a year so that we can find out why he’s a relevant character.

  28. Actually, I’m pretty sure vampires can burn in fire. Remember in the first season, those 3 bad vampires got burned in their house? So that actually stuck with their “vampire rules” haha.

    So I love how Tara and Sookie knew immediately, “Oh, Marnie must have posessed Lafayette, killed Jesus, and now she’s at Bill’s house”. You know, just something you immediately know once you stumble upon a dead body. Sure, Tara knew there’d been some supernatural shit going on, but to pinpoint it to that exact scenario was ridiculous.

    And I really can’t stand Sookie anymore, in the book they make it believable as to why everyone loves her, because Charlaine Harris takes the time to develop her relationships. She was with Eric for like 2 episodes this season, and we’re supposed to believe they’re in love, and feel bad for her because she’s in a love triangle? That whole scene where she left Bill and Eric was laughable.

  29. Oh and how gross was it that Jason was eating the popsicle that he had on his bruise?! And did anyone notice how he was chewing on the popsicle stick after he and Jessica had sex?!?! What??? Sooooo, he just put it aside while they were banging, then finished it? Or maybe he told her to wait for a minute while he finished the popsicle, then they started banging?

    • Popsicles – so versatile!

    • No, I think he finished the popsicle WHILE they were banging. You’ve never enjoyed a frosty treat mid-coitus? Or, you know, they “incorporated” it into their passionate couch lovemaking. Uh… you know what I mean.

  30. - Vampires have shown emotions the entire shows run, thus far. Easiest thing as proof is them crying blood. Why would they cry if they had no emotions?

    - Why can’t Vampires burn by fire? They have skin like the regular people and not some special skin.

    - Sookies name wasn’t made by the writers of the show, but the writer of the book this is based off of.

    - Sookie has been in fairyland for a year so she didn’t kill the Greek Goddess chick “one year ago to the day”. Also, that was 2 seasons ago.

    - This show is still better then Entrouage.

    • Guys, some REALLY good points here. Gabe, maybe you should stop trashing this awful show. It’s better than Entrouage.

  31. Please recap old seasons of Six Feet Under. #AlanBallGum. But seriously. Claire in art school is just as bad or worse than Tara in everything.

  32. Um…no love for Pam’s “fairy vagina” line?

  33. I thought Gabe would be a wee bit more excited about Tara dying, but I also jumped to the same conclusion that she’ll be revived immediately next year, so I guess I’ll let it slide. I really wanted more Tara bashing.

  34. My prediction is that season 5 will open with a funeral, which will then turn out to NOT be Tara’s. There will be lots of scenes of relevant loved ones wearing black and crying and they’ll wait until the last possible moment to reveal Tara, alive and well.


  35. That were-panther storyline really went places, huh?

  36. All she wants to do is dance, and necromance.

  37. I can’t believe I’ve wasted 4 seasons watching this show. Every once in a while there would be something to hold my interest. Plus, the season finales always made me think the next season was going to be fantastic but that never played out, I should have been tipped off by the lazy ass writing of Alan Ball and co. After another fruitless season, I refuse to come back to see Russell Edgerton or Steve Newlins, two characters I was sick of by the end of their respective seasons. I can’t even remember which season that was which tells me how much of a drag these seasons were, trying to squeeze not only the fairy story, witches story, and the were-people stories all together, horrible.

    I started out reading the books, and when the show came on, I was excited. Now I’ve totally stopped reading the books, and the show became a lost cause when I stopped bothering to watch it on Sundays, and just ordered it on demand.

  38. how could bill kill nan so easily? she is 700 years older than him, surely she could outfast him. the least they could have done was make eric give it a go. worst fucking show.

  39. well at least russell is coming back next season. best character on the worst show.

  40. Hey, you totally forgot about Marcus daughter who was all like “yeah, my mommy is a shifter and my daddy is a werewolf, and he´s dead and i don´t give a fuck”

  41. I hate to be a pain in the ass, but the whole vampires don’t have feelings thing that really bothers Gabe, while true in traditional vampire lore, is a rule that was thrown out long ago in modern depictions of vampires (Interview with a Vampire, for example). It’s clear that True Blood has chosen this modern, emotional vampire route, and they have never strayed from it. It is pretty much the only constant in the show. They all pine for their pasts, yata yata…

    • Problem with your assumption: the show itself stated in season one that vampires have no feelings. That’s why Gabe always mocks the missing continuity – you can’t introduce first that vampires have no emotions only to contradict our own rules later in the show.

  42. Problem with your assumption: the show itself stated in season one that vampires have no feelings. That’s why Gabe always mocks the missing continuity – you can’t introduce first that vampires have no emotions only to contradict our own rules later in the show.

  43. If I was Sookie’s Gran I’d give her shitty advice too. See how she tried to leave after all the ghosts-fixing-writers’-mistakes shit was over?
    She was all “okay bye now” and Sookie was like “Wah don’t leave, I need dating advice”. What a dope.

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