The second most important origin story of all time (after Meet the Tiny Fuppets) is finally getting its own show. From the Hollywood Reporter:

After hearing the pitch Friday, sources tell The Hollywood Reporter that the young-skewing network is moving forward with the project based on The Carrie Diaries, the book series written by Sex and the City author Candace Bushnell that follows Carrie Bradshaw during her senior year of high school in the early 1980s.

The first book in Bushnell’s origin story was published last year and, like Sex and the City, is told from Carrie’s point of view. It follows the aspiring writer through her relationship with Sebastian Kydd and rivalry with popular girl Donna LaDonna. The second novel in the series, Summer and the City: A Carrie Diaries Book, was published in April and revolves around Carrie’s first trip to New York. Both books have been big sellers, with Bushnell signing on this summer to pen two additional installments.

Oh, also, it is being produced by Josh Scwhartz (Gossip Girl, The O.C.), obviously. Oh, also, what a dumb idea? Sorry, girls. I mean, a high school comedy set in the 1980s is fine, but last time I checked, Carrie Bradshaw just grew up to be a girl without a real boyfriend writing a corny sex and dating column for a middling newspaper until one day she got married. So what, exactly, is the ORIGIN? She grew up normal just like everybody else and was a little bit too self-absorbed to be a real journalist? Cool origin story. Spider-Man is like “NO FAIR, TOO NEAT!” I do like the name Donna LaDonna though. I wonder how many HOURS of work Candace Bushnell put into thinking that one up. “Gotta get it just purrrfect.” Haha. Donna LaDonna.

The point, though, is let’s make up our own Carrie Bradshaw origin stories. I bet they will be better than Candace Bushnell’s stupid Carrie Bradshaw origin stories.

Comments (28)
  1. Is Mr. Ed going to play a young Carrie?

  2. Equus: Carrie Bradshaw Origins

  3. Time to play Count the Horse Jokes.

  4. Bitten by a radioactive Gucci bag? Am I doing this right?

  5. I don’t have an origin story for you, but here’s some dialogue the writers are free to use:

    Donna LaDonna: Hey Carrie, why the long face?

    ———————-

    That one was for you Chase.

  6. THE CARRIE DIARIES: THE ORIGIN (OF TERROR)

    In the midst of the Antartican snowfield, the scientists and workers of a small American research base are shocked when a helicopter begins to circle their camp, chasing and shooting at a Carrie. When the helicopter is destroyed and the passengers are killed, the Carrie is let into the base and the American’s begin to wonder what has actually happened. The helicopter has Norwegian markings, must be from the Norwegian base not too far from their own. A team of Americans are sent to the Norwegian base and find out what has happened. On arrival, they find that the place has been totally destroyed. They also discover a mangled body that looks as though it was once that of a Carrie, which they bring back with them for further study. It is only then that the clues begin to add up; the Carrie morphs horribly into a strange creature that attacks the researchers. They manage to fight it off, but they come to a terrible conclusion: an alien with the power to transform and take the appearance of anybody else is amongst them. Who is infected already, and who can be trusted? Helicopter pilot Mr. Big sets out to find the answers to exactly that.

  7. In the first episode, they’ll establish her character’s love of New York by having her refuse to wear LA Gear.

  8. Sorry, was Gossip Girls not already a Sex and the City prequel? Well, television. I thought I had you all figured out. Color me aggressively indifferent.

  9. Exclusive on-set photo that I helpfully annotated:

  10. Can’t wait for the season two finale when they ask Carrie what she wants printed on her dogtags and she says ‘Dolce & Gabanna’ and then everyone watches gasps and thinks ‘OH, so that’s how it happened!’

  11. They should kill her off in the first episode to prevent S&TC from ever happening.

  12. I genuinely loved Sex and the City. Until the movies and the reruns completely killed it for me.

    I know that I will watch this show, and hate myself while doing so. Just like I will inevitably watch the second movie (haven’t done it yet).

    Damn you, CW. My DVR will be filled with too many of your shows.

  13. More like the I Don’t Care-ie Diaries.
    More like the Who Gives a The Carrie Diaries.
    More like Beyonce’s hit “I Care(ie Diaries)”.
    More like Sissy Spacek’s Diaries from the set of Carrie.
    More like …when there was only one set of footsteps, that’s when I started telling you about the Carrie Diaries and you just walked away; that’s when I Carrie’d you, bro.

    That’s what it’s more like, right?

  14. The world was empty until the Candace Bushnell lifted the earth out of the sea. Darren Starr then established order in the cosmos by finding places for the sun, the moon and the stars, thereby starting the cycle of day and night. A golden age ensued where Darren Starr had plenty of gold and happily constructed temples and made tools. But then three mighty giant maidens, Charlotte, Samantha, and Miranda came from Manhattan and the golden age came to an end. Darren Starr then created the dwarves, of whom Carrie Bradshaw and Stanford Blatch are the mightiest.

    • Established order in the cosmos? Or ordered some delicious cosmos at the bar?!

    • A supreme creatrix, Candace Bushnell, “The Goddess of All Things”, arose naked from Chaos to part sea from sky so that she could dance upon the waves. Catching the north wind at her back and, rubbing it between her hands, she warms the pneuma and spontaneously generates the serpent Samantha, who mates with her. In the form of a dove upon the waves, she lays the Cosmic Egg and bids Samantha to incubate it by coiling seven times around until it splits in two and hatches “all things that exist… sun, moon, planets, stars, the earth with its mountains and rivers, its trees, herbs, and living creatures, and all designer shoes.”
      In the soil of Manhattan, the available men would spring up from Samantha’s teeth, scattered under the heel of Candace Bushnell who kicked the serpent from their home on Mount Olympus for her boasts of creating all things. Thereafter, Candace Bushnell, whose name was “wide wandering” set male and female Titans for each wandering planet: Charlotte and Harry for the Sun; Miranda and Steve for the Moon; Stanford and Marcus for Mercury; Aiden and whoever he married for Venus; Trey and his mom for Mars; Miranda’s housekeeper and her baby for Jupiter; and Carrie and Mr. Big for Saturn.

      • According to myth, Carrie Bradshaw yearned to live on the earth among the valleys and the mountains and shoes and cosmos and men. Candace Bushnell permitted Carrie and 3000 followers to depart and they descended from heaven to a sandalwood tree around 72nd and somewhere between 2nd and Lex, then called Taebaek Mountain. There Carrie founded a newspaper column and gave herself the title Sexpert. In a cave near the sandalwood tree lived a bear, Miranda, and a tiger, Samantha who came to the tree every day to pray to Carrie. One day Carrie gave the bear and the tiger twenty bulbs of garlic and some divine mugwort. Carrie promised if they ate only her garlic and mugwort and stayed in the cave out of the sunlight for one hundred days she would make them human.

        The tiger and the bear agreed and went back to the cave, but tiger was too hungry and impatient to wait, leaving the cave before the 100 days were done. But the bear remained, and on the 101st day was transformed into a beautiful woman, who gratefully honored Carrie with offerings. With time the woman grew lonely, and prayed to Carrie that she might have a child. So Carrie made gave her a son called Brady, a name which has two meanings: “Altar Prince” and sandalwood. Brady eventually came to Los Angeles and founded a prog rock band.

        • In the beginning, before there were earth or sky there was only darkness. Into it came a small and thin disc with yellow and white on its alternate sides, and inside it sat Carrie, a small veiny woman no larger than a frog. Carrie is described as awakening and rubbing her eyes. When she peers above her into the darkness it filled with light and illuminated the darkness below. When she looked east the light became tinged with the yellow of dawn, and whens he looked west the light was shaded with the amber tones of dusk. As she glanced about herself clouds in different colors appeared. Then again Carrie rubbed her eyes and face, and as she flung the sweat from her hands another cloud appeared with a tiny little girl Charlotte sitting on top. Charlotte’s name translates as the Woman Without Parents. Carrie and Charlotte were puzzled where the other had come from, and where were the Earth and Sky. After thinking for some time, Carrie again rubbed her eyes and face, then her hands together, and from the sweat flying as she opened hands first Samantha, the Sun, and then Miranda, or Pollen Boy, appeared. After the four sat a long time in silence on a single cloud, Carrie finally broke the silence to say, “What shall we do?” and they all went to brunch.

    • “Yea, Carrie said unto thee, ‘He’s just not that into you,’ and it was good.”

  15. A young boy named Elliot is playing in the woods of upstate New York when a strange, pearlescent glow begins to emit from behind a tree. He finds a small, curly haired creature who keeps croaking “rich douche bag… rich douche bag.” with the glare of a starving animal in its eyes. Elliot carries his strange new friend home in an LL Bean backpack, which appears to leave the creature in a pure state of agony. As Elliot falls asleep wondering what to do with this super annoying… thing, the cold blare of flood lights pours through his bedroom window as a flurry of frantic activity erupts around his home. His mother is really pissed. A team of government agents swarms the house as a spokesman in a biohazard suit squawks over a bull horn: “If I could have your attention: Government imaging satellites have picked up a massive concentration of self-importance at these coordinates. Anyone who remains in the vicinity of the source will turn into a helpless emotional twit who’s entire existential spectrum will be catalogued and priced in relation to brand exclusivity. Please let us help you.” At that moment, Elliot found himself acutely aware of the microscopic residue of, what his brain was suddenly recognizing as, “dirty people soap” and became extremely agitated. Clawing his skin off, he locked eyes with the creature and he saw what looked like an expression of recognition and relation. The little thing cooed “Spa Ja… Peninsula Midtown… 4 Days a Week….” That’s when Elliot sees the little Manhattan Skyline snow globe on his desk, and bludgeoned himself to death with it. Tragically missing saving the boy, the agents burst through the door to survey the grizzly scene. When they see the tuft of perfectly conditioned curls huddled in the corner, they quietly shuffle it into a waiting helicopter, just parked in the street like whatever the hell. An agent says to the pilot “Bring it to where the others are.” Scene.

  16. Can we please add Josh Schwartz to the the pantheon of people who are The Worst?

  17. Didn’t Josh Schwartz already try to make a teen melodrama based in the ’80s? And didn’t it fail before its first episode?

    Also does this mean Carrie is going to be a senior in high school for like three years? BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW HOW WELL HIS OTHER SHOWS HAVE HANDLED THE POST HIGH SCHOOL WORLD (yes, OC S4 was great, but having practically every character take a gap year– or get suspended– was just too convenient).

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