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Deadline is reporting today that a couple dudes are writing a script for Beetlejuice 2. Purrrrfect. If there is one thing that the world has been clamoring for, it is the exhumation and defamation of Beetlejuice. It’s what the kids want! The one fear, of course, is the widespread Child Riots that will break out in elementary schools across the country if Michael Keaton refuses to reprise the role. Anyway, Beetlejuice is great. Beetlejuice 2 raises some concerns. But let’s be part of the solution, not the problem. (The problem is that Hollywood is out of ideas and instead of coming up with new ones it just ruins the old ones with lazy rehashes. The solution is rollerblade jokes?) Let’s get this thing up to speed!
Beetlejuice 2 is found floating face down in the Atlantic Ocean with no memory of who he is or where he came from, all he knows is that he is filled with deadly fighting skills. He finds a safe deposit box in Zurich filled with fake passports. What happened to him? Cut to 3D waterslide chase. Jumpcut smashcut back to live performance by Taylor Swift covering Harry Belafonte’s “Day-O.” Beetlejuice must uncover the secret of his past and get back home, wherever that is, before the bank robbers murder his sandworm wife and sandworm children at the beach house. HE DESIGNED THE SYSTEM! “Get off my model train!” Android product placement. Coke Zero product placement. Ironic Winona cameo that goes over the kids heads but is for the parents who were dragged to the theater. (She plays a real estate agent.) Beetlejuice gets the thumb drive full of the secrets and does Parkour over the rooftops of Mogadishu only to be cornered by Agent X from the Videogame Dimension who steals the thumb drive from him and jumps into the ocean. Luckily, Beetlejuice switched out the thumb drive with an even smaller drive that will be in stores this Christmas season. A brand new original song by Wilco kicks and a Geico lizard blooper reel plays over the credits.
You know, even if Beetlejuice 2 turns out to be a poorly imagined, lazily written movie, at least we will always have this wonderfully imagined, very well written blog post. So good. Totally worth it. (Blogs.)
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Did you know that if you say Gabe’s name three times, nothing happens? I mean, unless Gabe is already there. Then he gets annoyed because you’d have to be kind of an asshole to not pause and give him a chance to respond after the first one.
Beetlejuice 2: In an empty movie theatre no one can hear you scream. (you know, because no one else is there…I mean, really? Beetlejuice 2?)
Beetlejuice 2011: Organic Beetlejuice
I have a better idea for a movie:
A young (under 30), mildly attractive, badass woman goes on a rampage killing ALL the producers in Hollywood and collecting their Post-It notes as scalps.
…but before she kills them, she offers them a choice between cake and death. However, it’s a false choice, because the cake is poisoned.
At least it wasn’t a lie.
In Hollywood carbs are death!
Her gimmick as a serial killer is that she kills them exactly the way their post-its describe. “Rehash Beetlejuice? I will carve your name three times into your chest and then bury you alive.”
Beetlejuice 2: Now with more Day-O dance numbers
Day-2.0
Beetlejuice 2 (my pitch)
Beetlejuice is locked into an arena with other Beetlejuices to fight to the death as punishment for the big war between vampires and werewolves, and things get sexy pretty quickly. Then Beetlejuice takes off his blonde wig and it turns out that the international teen singing sensation Beetlejuice was really seemingly average schoolgirl Winona Ryder!
You can put my money in those big bags marked with dollar signs.
Just spoke with Winona while she was ringing me up at the Radio Shack and guess what? SHE’S AVAILABLE!
At first I was like LOL, but then I was sadface.
Wino forever.
How many batteries did she sell you while she was ringing you up?
#radioshackjokes
She was actually emptying the cash register, but your point still stands.
BEETLE BOOOOOOO!!!!! (2)
Even if it’s just a cameo, I have a suspicion that Winona Ryder would steal the scene.
HA!
I’m willing to let this happen as long as it means Michael Keaton can go in my eyes. I fucking love Michael Keaton.
Agreed!
Instead of a sequel, perhaps a crossover is in order? Beetlejuice vs. Beetle Bailey.
Beetlejuice with all Beatles songs (Across the Universe 2?)
I heard that Brett Ratner was working on an urban spin off called Beetleorangedrink,
And National Lampoon is making a college version called Beetlejunglejuice.
and Steven Spielberg was working on a holocaust drama that calls on the help of the dead called BeetleJews
Coming this October.. the corpse of Michael Jackson is resurrected from a scale model of Neverland Ranch, itching to once again allegedly participate in questionable activity with minors in: Jesusjuice!
ugh, what’s wrong with me?
Snoop Dogg is working on one. The script looks excellent, but the studio is still audience testing various names.
“It’s simple: we kill the Beetlejuice.”
Save the Beetlejuice, save the world.
All of the calypso songs are replaced with Black Eyed Peas songs.
it’s not like Black Eyed Peas songs dont beat people down and submit to singing them against their will already.
the superbowl halftime show was pretty much the dinner table scene on a national scale.
Why not just make Juice: 2 with a cameo?
Beetlejuice, I choose you!!!
Beetlejuice 2: someone steals beetle juice’s “Juice” and he has to go back in time to get it back and he has sex with a lot of chicks and its a james bond parody and michael keaton plays multiple roles
Beetlejuice 2: “How Beetle Got his Juice Back”
Let BJ (his hip new moniker 4thaKidz) have a striped black-and-white parrot-sidekick with weird hair-feathers, called “Burton”.
Ok. so how about Beetlejuice inherits his uncle’s wealth but then is forced to prove he deserves it before Christmas, but since it’s 2012 he has to hang out with John Cusack driving a hummer limo in case shit goes down, but then it turns out Cusack is a robot/zombie sent back in time to keep Michael Bay from making another movie. Then we can throw in a Shamylan ending and say that Beetlesjuice was really Gwyneth Paltrow the whole time.
One prediction: Johnny Depp replaces Michael Keaton, Beetlejuice becomes a sex symbol for preteen Hot Topic backpacks.