I AM SO DRUNK! Last night’s finale was everything that could have been hoped for in a low rent, third tier cable reality show about downmarket socialites in Atlanta, Georgia. There was fighting! And empty attempts at peacemaking! There was Michael Knight from Project Runway! Read your contract more carefully before you go on Project Runway! Kim got ripped a new one by Dallas Austin. That was incredible. He basically was just calling her to collect on the bill for using his studio and pretending to be under his wing, but then explained to her that this whole country singer thing would never happen. Never ever, never ever ever.

Obviously, we’re all waiting for next week’s Reunion Episode because REAL TALK, guys, that is the only reason to even watch this show. It’s so that when the Reunion Episode comes on you aren’t all, like, “Who are these fighting bitches.” You know they’re names! You go, “That one’s NeNe,” or “Punch that Crypt Keeper in the face, Lisa!” And you know that the Crypt Keeper is Kim. The regular season is the prerequisite course for the advanced placement reunion.

But one thing that is good about the season finale is the American Graffiti style post-script we’re given about what’s going on with each of the ladies since the season stopped taping:

Sher&eacute Whitfield

Yikes. Still waiting on that divorce settlement. Just hanging out, doing reality TV, waiting for that divorce settlement. I know that divorce is a tricky thing, and that in some cases the financial aspect of separating two entwined lives can be a useful emotional balm to heal the wounds of the separation. But that doesn’t make it NOT super depressing. Then again, She by Sheree isn’t going to be bringing in any money, or ever exist, so milk him for everything he’s worth, girl!

Lisa Wu Hartwell

Not only is Lisa Wu Hartwell the prettiest of the Housewives, she’s also the one you want to marry, because of how RELIEVED she is when your dream falls through, and how naggy and shrill she gets when the career that provides her with the extravagant, work-free lifestyle to which she has become accustomed means you might have to work in California. The most important thing in any marriage is compromise, and the first rule of compromise is that Lisa Wu Hartwell is the spoiled boss.

DeShawn Snow

Yeah, she’ll leave the cooking to the chef. Because raising kids is hard! She might also want to leave the organizing of fundraisers to the chef. In fact, she might want to leave the entire Foundation in his care. And also the house. And every other aspect of her life. Because DeShawn Snow is completely useless.

NeNe Leakes

I have nothing bad to say about NeNe. She came into this show as a brassy, attention-starved extrovert with a status chip on her shoulder, and she left the show as a brassy, somewhat less attention-starved extrovert with a status chip on her shoulder. As much as she is a ridiculous person who’s only motivation is narcissistic self-interest, she’s also the most blatantly open about indulging in those baser desires, and doesn’t put on some front like she’s high class. Because she ain’t.

Kim Zolciak

Here we go. Most seasons of The Real Housewives have multiple villains separated only by a matter of degrees, but not Atlanta. Kim was 12 miles of bad road ahead of everyone else. And her face was also 12 miles of bad road. During last night’s finale, when she and NeNe began to have a fight at the finale dinner, Kim kept insisting that she didn’t want her kids to have to hear them arguing. Really? That’s the thing that concerns you about the well-being of your kids? An argument in a restaurant? Not the whole PUTTING THEM ON A NATIONAL TELEVISION SHOW ABOUT ASSHOLES? As I get older, I try harder and harder to avoid the schadenfreude impulses that lessen me as a person, but I’m glad that Big Daddy dumped her and that she’s been humiliated on national television for her hubris in trying to become a country singer. She is wretched. It’s weird that this post-script update didn’t include anything about her being in jail for eternity.

Comments (12)
  1. So I have a couple of comments from last night.
    1) She caught herself in the lie about her age. She initially said that she was 29 (riiight) but last night she claimed she would stop smoking by 30 and she didn’t know why she was still doing it. Meaning she has passed 30 and still smoking.
    2) Apparently Michael Knight has changed the spelling of his name to the more fanciful Mychael Knight…with a Y. Plus why has he suddenly decided to talk manly?
    3) It’s nice that Sheree used her connections to call up Mychael and I’m sure it had nothing to do with them both being on Bravo TV shows…
    4) I’m sad that Ed Hartwell’s transfer to the Raiders fell through because I was hoping it meant that Lisa wouldn’t be on next season to bore me to death.
    5) Kim is still the WORST and I guess since she broke up with Big Papa it means Dallas doesn’t have to keep up the charade.

  2. Can you finally admit that she should go to jail for life for trying to pass herself off as 30. That dead animal on her head may be 30 but she ain’t by a long shot.
    Also, did you know that Kim was on that “groundbreaking” show Are You Hot? with Lorenzo Lamas and she was voted NOT HOT by all three judges.

    • For as much as i think that Kim is horrible, i will defend the 29 thing as a botched editing job. I really think she was just saying that she had glamorous pictures from when she was 29 that she likes to look back on, and wanted a new set of her now to look back on in another 10 years…She’s probably about 39, which would fit with both that statement and also her comment about promising to stop smoking at 30. I don’t think she’s lying about her age, though. Let it go. There is so much else to scorn.

      • As a last defense before we all let it go, NeNe’s song had a part about Kim calling herself 29, but really being (or at least looking) much older.

        juuust saying.

  3. I’m fine with advertisements, they pay the bills to keep this site that I enjoy so much up and running. Whatevs. BUT IF I HAVE TO AVOID ‘ROLLING OVER’ THIS STUPID BLACK KEYS AD ONE MORE TIME I’M GONNA BLOW UP THIS WHOLE WEBSITE.

    PS- the RHWOA finale was terribly wonderful as expected but seriously though, no more ‘roll over’ ads. they’re the terribleness incarnate.

  4. Agreed. They are the worst and need to be put in fail jail. In turn fail jail should be sunk to the bottom of whoops ocean.

    Man, I could totally write for this site.

    • Mark you forgot to add “I could totally not write for this site” in parathesis. That was your last test and you Failed.

  5. Off to fail jail for me (I am not going, Gabe is going in my stead because he is the worst (not really the worst (really the worst))).

  6. Jhon  |   Posted on Nov 19th, 2008 0

    Hey Gabe,
    You completely forgot one of the most fucked up moments from that episode. When Kim is trying to stop smoking, her TEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER says she will SLEEP IN HER OWN BED! Kim has been sleeping in the same bed with both of her children for their ENTIRE LIVES. best.

  7. Ann  |   Posted on Nov 20th, 2008 0

    Love NeNe! she is so real, my wish is to meet her and be part of her foundation….way to go NeNe!!…..Kim, wow! no words can really describe her, she is so empty upstairs! Shere…. fake! fake! fake!

  8. CAliAlly  |   Posted on Nov 23rd, 2008 0

    Wrong, GABE.

    To quote Kim Zolciak (via PaperMag):
    “I’m actually 30, and [the controversy] is hilarious to me. In some of the clips there was a ton of makeup on me. In some of the footage I look like I’m 50 years old. I’m 30. I’m like a size 2. People tell me I’m so much prettier in person. TV makes you look so much different. I’m working on shooting a cover of Playboy. I guess 30 ain’t that bad.”

    Umm, yes, 30 is that bad if you look like a California raisin. And size 2? Maybe at Lane Bryant. She’s the worst, and it’s definitely not a “botched editing job”– she really IS that delusional.

  9. rhonda  |   Posted on Aug 14th, 2009 0

    I would love to have a friend like Nene. She is sincere and sucks the marrow out of life. I have a feeling her husband is the real deal and feels he has nothing to prove on the show. Lisa is charming, but the public displays of affection are unbecoming. The size 2 remark seems irrational. Everyone should hold themselves in such delusional high esteem. Sherry (not a typo) and Kim are a waste of spackle, small talk, and make shallow women everywhere look bad. Dwight is poised and looks like a gentleman who should have been cast in an old movie when social graces and dressing well were vogue. Khandi is so talented. Why is she onthis show? She is so tough and smart with the exception of her heart. Unfortunately, these can not be rational emotions for any of us. Best of luck to her.

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