I AM SO DRUNK! Last night’s finale was everything that could have been hoped for in a low rent, third tier cable reality show about downmarket socialites in Atlanta, Georgia. There was fighting! And empty attempts at peacemaking! There was Michael Knight from Project Runway! Read your contract more carefully before you go on Project Runway! Kim got ripped a new one by Dallas Austin. That was incredible. He basically was just calling her to collect on the bill for using his studio and pretending to be under his wing, but then explained to her that this whole country singer thing would never happen. Never ever, never ever ever.
Obviously, we’re all waiting for next week’s Reunion Episode because REAL TALK, guys, that is the only reason to even watch this show. It’s so that when the Reunion Episode comes on you aren’t all, like, “Who are these fighting bitches.” You know they’re names! You go, “That one’s NeNe,” or “Punch that Crypt Keeper in the face, Lisa!” And you know that the Crypt Keeper is Kim. The regular season is the prerequisite course for the advanced placement reunion.
But one thing that is good about the season finale is the American Graffiti style post-script we’re given about what’s going on with each of the ladies since the season stopped taping:
Yikes. Still waiting on that divorce settlement. Just hanging out, doing reality TV, waiting for that divorce settlement. I know that divorce is a tricky thing, and that in some cases the financial aspect of separating two entwined lives can be a useful emotional balm to heal the wounds of the separation. But that doesn’t make it NOT super depressing. Then again, She by Sheree isn’t going to be bringing in any money, or ever exist, so milk him for everything he’s worth, girl!
Lisa Wu Hartwell
Not only is Lisa Wu Hartwell the prettiest of the Housewives, she’s also the one you want to marry, because of how RELIEVED she is when your dream falls through, and how naggy and shrill she gets when the career that provides her with the extravagant, work-free lifestyle to which she has become accustomed means you might have to work in California. The most important thing in any marriage is compromise, and the first rule of compromise is that Lisa Wu Hartwell is the spoiled boss.
Yeah, she’ll leave the cooking to the chef. Because raising kids is hard! She might also want to leave the organizing of fundraisers to the chef. In fact, she might want to leave the entire Foundation in his care. And also the house. And every other aspect of her life. Because DeShawn Snow is completely useless.
I have nothing bad to say about NeNe. She came into this show as a brassy, attention-starved extrovert with a status chip on her shoulder, and she left the show as a brassy, somewhat less attention-starved extrovert with a status chip on her shoulder. As much as she is a ridiculous person who’s only motivation is narcissistic self-interest, she’s also the most blatantly open about indulging in those baser desires, and doesn’t put on some front like she’s high class. Because she ain’t.
Here we go. Most seasons of The Real Housewives have multiple villains separated only by a matter of degrees, but not Atlanta. Kim was 12 miles of bad road ahead of everyone else. And her face was also 12 miles of bad road. During last night’s finale, when she and NeNe began to have a fight at the finale dinner, Kim kept insisting that she didn’t want her kids to have to hear them arguing. Really? That’s the thing that concerns you about the well-being of your kids? An argument in a restaurant? Not the whole PUTTING THEM ON A NATIONAL TELEVISION SHOW ABOUT ASSHOLES? As I get older, I try harder and harder to avoid the schadenfreude impulses that lessen me as a person, but I’m glad that Big Daddy dumped her and that she’s been humiliated on national television for her hubris in trying to become a country singer. She is wretched. It’s weird that this post-script update didn’t include anything about her being in jail for eternity.