Whoa. This photo of Angelina Jolie from the upcoming issue of Vanity Fair in which she is whispering into the ear of her one child who will definitely grow up normal and well-adjusted for sure while her other daughter who will also grow up very normal almost TOO normal probably stands in the background is probably the first photo we’ve ever posted that is just MADE for a caption contest. Like, you should probably go to the Novelty Gift Store and by a pack of those cartoon talk bubble stickers that you used to be able to buy in the 1900s that you would stick on actual photos (actual WHATS?) and write funny captions on them. Do you remember those stickers? Ask your grandma if she remembers those stickers. Anyway, WHAT WONDERFUL SECRET IS ANGELINA JOLIE WHISPERING?! My guess is that it’s something like: “You should always treat people with kindness, respect, and understanding, because not only is the world a cruel and uncaring place filled with billions of people who do not enjoy many of the privileges that you and I take for granted, but on top of that you just don’t necessarily know where someone is coming from and so maybe what you perceive to be rudeness or distraction is the result of an upsetting personal issue and has nothing to do with you and your response might aggravate the situation whereas if you were to be patient and give them the benefit of the doubt you might actually improve their otherwise unhappy day. Just kidding, let’s call the Paparazzi and tell them to meet us at the G8 Summit so we can throw scones at presidents.” Something like that.

Winner will receive a walk-on role in Salt 2: Pass The REVENGE (gooood joke!) special placement in this week’s Monsters’ Ball. (Image via MarkLisanti.)

Comments (101)

  2. “*whisper whisper*, ok?”

  3. “Don’t trust that white bitch”
    - Angelina Jolie

  4. Psst. Billy Bob’s was bigger. Not by much, but enough that you notice it.

  5. That girl is a 33 year old hooker

  6. “Psst. Your epidermis is showing”

  7. “Don’t ever cross me.”

  8. “You’re adopted.”

  9. Psst. I didn’t really get Tree of Life either. I just made up some kind words about it and then pretended to be asleep for the rest of the night.

  10. Let me tell you the story of Sky Captain and The World of Tomorrow, because no one else can, or will.

  11. “Je veux pisser”

  12. Stay away from Apple Martin

  13. “White people problems.”

  14. “I’m so high right now”

  15. Yes, I think you are too old to read Hunger Games.

  16. “YOU. You were the most unprivileged.”

  17. “this is affirmative action parenting.”

  18. Faster, pussycat. Kill! KILL!

  19. “Your grandfather, Jon Voight, was nominated for a Razzie Award for Worst Screen Couple (with an animatronic anaconda) in Anaconda”

  20. *Nickleback lyrics*

  21. “Cersei Lannister was based on me.”

  22. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  23. “My dad was great in Anaconda!”

  24. “Life is pain”

  25. - Committed to making “I wanna get fucked” face even in seemingly inappropriate situations.

  26. woozefa  |   Posted on Aug 30th, 2011 +1

    “When one has not had a good father, one must create one.”

  27. I want a balloon too.

  28. More sand

  29. “I love you way more than my ~real~ children. But don’t tell them I told you that, okay?”

  30. “Watch out for her left hook. Sweep the legs. Win for mommy. Win my love.”

  31. The way she is clutching her daughter is just..bizarre. it doesn’t seem soft. i can only think she is saying bad things.

  32. “Hi, I’m Angelina. Mind if we take some pictures together?”

  33. “Good things will happen to you as long as you are extremely attractive.”

  34. If movies have taught us anything, it is that children ignored in the background grow up to be fine and well adjusted.

  35. Girl, interrupted

  36. i anticipate some uncomfortable, vaguely racist, vaguely sexist captions. can’t wait :-/

  37. “Fidelio.”

  38. “winter is coming”

  39. “You’ll get the paparrazi at your birthday party next time…. I promise…. this is the twins turn.”

  40. “…and soon I’ll wear a vial of your blood around my neck.”

  41. “Cultivate a persona.”

  42. “I want you to curve the bullet”

  43. “It was not my intention to do this in front of you. For that, I’m sorry. But you can take my word for it, your mother had it coming. When you grow up, if you still feel raw about it, I’ll be waiting.”

  44. “Sweep the leg!”

  45. “Is it still looking at us?”

  46. “Shhh, sweetie. Mommy loves you the most because black goes with everything.”

  47. “Don’t fret none about her. She doesn’t cotton to black folks like us.”

  48. “See that camera? God lives in there.”

  49. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  50. “Shut your eyes, Marion. Don’t look at it, no matter what happens!”

  51. “My publicity stunt really got away from me this time.” — Angelina

  52. Daughter: “Where do you live?”
    Angelina: “Mostly in my head.”


  53. “Have fun at dinner.”

  54. “What…is your name again?”

  55. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • I think probably nobody saw the lowest rated comment of the week coming in this thread, but then again, it isn’t looking good folks.

    • What is that, a Starship Troopers reference?

      • Yes, it was a Starship Troopers reference; I wouldn’t openly use my real name if I were legitimately racist.

        Also, I don’t think black people actually have cranial probes.

        • I don’t think any of the comments here are legitimately racist, and I did get the reference. But you do happen to have the lowest rated comment, and also there were Chaz Bono and Rick Santorum posts this week. SO, looking forward to seeing how this turns out! You’re on your way kiddo.

    • “That’s just Slutsky being Slutsky” … is what this guy imagines his friends say of him.

  56. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  57. “I’d rather be making out with my brother.”

  58. “You is kind, You is smart, You is important.”

  59. “I’ll take your man whenever I feel like it
    This ain’t a threat or a bet, it’s a damn promise
    From me to you, your love life’s through
    If you get another lover, I’ll take him, too”

    She’s just a really big Salt-n-Pepa fan

  60. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  61. “I won’t ever love you as my own”

  62. “Every living creature on earth dies alone.”

  63. “I’m going to tickle you. DO NOT LAUGH.”

  64. “Of all of my children of the world collection, you’re my favorite.”

  65. Then she said, “What Angelina did was uncool”. I mean, the nerve.

  66. “Push her.”

  67. “You can’t choose who you rear, but you can choose who you adopt”.

  68. “Take a picture of my baby instead!”

  69. “If she ever asks what I said to you, tell her, ‘Mommy said you can’t ever know.’”

  70. I told you! No wire hangers, ever!

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