Let’s be honest: I don’t watch Dancing with the Stars. Sorry, America. I know that show is very popular, and I would never begrudge anyone for enjoying it, it’s just not for me! As a general rule, I don’t like any reality TV show that is filmed in some echoe-y soundstage filled with twirling lights. You know what I mean? Give me a claustrophobic house or a cruise ship or a high-octane test kitchen any night of the week, but these competition shows that look like they were set up in a high school auditorium give me the poops. It’s like punishment! (Interestingly enough, it is a well-known FACT that I do love a good dance off, so I’m not entirely sure why Dancing with the Stars doesn’t appeal to me more, although I have one pretty good guess: too many white people*.) Anyway, the new cast was announced and what a bunch of stars they all are, I’m sure. There’s a tennis player, George Clooney’s ex-girlfriend, and also Ron Artest. Neat! But one name is obviously shining a little brighter than all the rest.

NANCY GRACE

Hahahahahhaha. GOOD ONE, DANCING WITH THE STARS! This is almost as good as your whole “Bristol Palin” bit. “This next dance will be a traditional tango set to the noise of a police scanner.” “This next dance is a waltz set to the screams of stolen children.” “This next dance is a samba set to the banging of a judge’s gavel.” “This next dance is in honor of Terry Schiavo.” AND SO ON AND SO FORTH.

*Oh jeez, I realized maybe this one might need a little unpacking. I’m not saying that I prefer to watch black people PUT ON A SHOW, but let’s face it, as a general rule, black people tend to be better dancers than white people, and when it comes to watching people dance I prefer that they know what the hell they are doing. THERE I SAID IT. Pretty controversial stuff. Take it easy, I’ll walk myself to the pillory.
Comments (35)
  1. But who is going to be the shrieking voice of concern for Haylee, Baylee, Kaylee, Ashlee, and all the other missing white girls while she is away??

  2. how does a chickenhawk dance? oh. right….

  3. Oh man, I will be getting twice as much avoiding done as normal! Let’s take a breath everyone. We’ve earned it.

  4. Gabe Delahaye doesn’t care about white people (dancing). -Wanye Kest

  5. SCREW YOU GABE, I CAN DANCE

  6. Wow! I can’t wait to continue to not watch this program!

    • The “reality stars” who participate in shows like this need to start fighting each other to the death, ala the Hunger Games. And when one surviving reality contestant remains, they will win a ranch in the middle of nowhere from which they can live a nice and comfortable life, albeit it one far away from the cameras. If they violate this, they will be reentered into the games.

  7. I like that there’s a Kardashian on there. Being on a reality show makes you enough of a star to…be on a reality show. It’s really becoming a self-sufficient industry, huh?

    • He’s famous because his sisters are famous, and they’re famous because Kim is famous, and she’s famous because she had sex in front of a video camera. He’s fourth-generation who gives a fuck.

    • Oh I mean to post my post that appeared on FLW’s post here.

      Stupid work computer with its 2 point font and my inability to even see that until now!

      Seriously, though. Reality Games, possibly on PBS.

  8. I love watching white people dance (but for very different reasons – I’m sure).

  9. but she’s really good at the Fox Tw@t!

    yikes, that was gross. Ya’ll are doin’ the BOO Step

  10. Oh, let us not forget the Asians! They are crazy good at breakdancing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRWFp5pN4ME

  11. I have to admit, I don’t really know who Nancy Grace is, but I did see her being interviewed at the Grove once when I was on vacation. She didn’t look like she’d be a very good dancer.

    • You are REALLY missing out. I have been a Nancy Grace fan for years. She is insane, Barely knows anything about the law, and has the most ridiculous viewer call ins on TV. It is really something special.

  12. I’m going to strap a bomb to my head that is rigged to explode the first time a Dancing With the Stars judge makes a quip about her “grace,” just see if I don’t.

  13. And instead of nice music, all of her dance routines will be set to the sounds of her screaming nonstop for ten minutes.

  14. I literally can’t watch her on television, my abhorrence of her borders on a phobia, like when some people see spiders or get too close to the edge of a cliff.

    /Not joking

  15. “Now’s my chance!”-Child Rapists

  16. I think if Hope Solo ever abandoned a baby in a well, we’re about to find out.

  17. Strangely, the thing with that show is less that they don’t have black people on it but that they specifically seem to solely pick black people who cannot dance at all. POST-RACIAL AMERICA!

  18. Uhhhh. Ron Artest is on this, which means I am definitely watching. Ron Artest is basically the James Franco of professional sports, but with more noticeable neurosis and way more bad ass.

  19. James Baldwin, phenomenal dancer. Nelson Mandela, killer dancer. Martin Luther King, original humpty dance-er. Crispus Attucks, straight fucking diggity. WEB Du Bois, don’t even get me started — rump-fuckin’-shaker!

  20. A representative for ABC responded with this statement: “We understand that Nancy Grace is a controversial figure with a certain segment of our audience. We here at [i]DWTS[/i] wouldn’t have it any other way. We just hope that those who dislike Mr. Grace will still tune in weekly to grit their teeth and shoot beams of hate and/or bullets at the screen. But, lets be clear: our casting isn’t just calculated to irritate card-carrying members of the ACLU. This season also features Chaz Bono, who is sure to infuriate homophobic conservatives throughout the nation. It is this careful balance of stunt casting that makes [i]DWTS[/i] America’s most obnoxious celebrity ballroom dance competition.”

  21. I would like to point out that Ron Artest has changed his name to Metta World Peace, which is just insane/awesome/mostlyinsane. #factchecking

  22. They have Nancy Grace on like, the only reality competition show that doesn’t involve screaming at other contestants every week? Reality TV: You are doing it wrong.

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