Johnny Drama and Turtle cannot get over how E banged Sloane’s ex-stepmom last week, and frankly, neither can I. For all of the care that this show puts into getting the lighting just right in Turtle’s SNEAKER COLLECTION CLOSET and making sure that the Maserati interior would really be the kind of Maserati interior that the star of a DC comic book movie franchise would have in his Maserati, they didn’t even spend two seconds explaining how a guy that we are genuinely supposed to believe is mostly “good” and “sensitive” would jeopardize his integrity, his broken but still on-going relationship with is ex-fiance, AND his BUSINESS by sleeping with a woman twice his age after two appletinis and a bit of poorly written banter. Yikes! I mean, I know that people make questionable and out-of-character decisions in this world, but also, DO THEY REALLY? Anyway, there is no time to deal with all of this Real Human Foibles because they have to hurry up and…visit Vince…on the set of a photoshoot for Vanity Fair magazine. All three of them. They won’t stay long. In fact, they only stay for 30 seconds. Just long enough for us to get an image of Vincent Chase wearing a tuxedo with long tails and white gloves. Haha. What, no top hat?!
To be completely honest, the outfit is pretty perfect. It’s kind of like, you know in movies when one of the characters is supposed to be a “painter” but then you see his or her paintings and you’re like “uh, haha, no.” Like, they’re so bad because they just went around the set trying to find an intern who took a couple art classes in college and they give them an extra 50 dollars and a bag of day old bagels and boom, now their art is hanging on the walls of The New York Gallery. Usually that is what a celebrity photoshoot is like on these shows. “Make love to the camera, darling. You’re a tiger! I love it!” And that IS what this scene would be like if it wasn’t for Vanity Fair magazine. But Vince would just be wearing some stupid tuxedo with long tails and white gloves for Vanity Fair‘s cover shoot. That is correct. I mentioned this last week, but that is a WEIRD MAGAZINE. It is kind of like what a magazine would be like today if the Internet had not been invented 100 years ago.
Vince is nervous because the Vanity Fair article is about to come out. Wait, what? Wasn’t his interview last week? That is SOME editorial turnaround. His publicist gets it pinged to her on her Blackberry (so LA) and goes to print it out (so not LA). When she comes back, Vince is NOT happy with what he’s reading. There is a sentence in there about how he’s a womanizer! What?! Vince?! When has Vince ever womanized someone? Then there is a 20 minute scene in which Vince looks up “womanize” in the dictionary, realizes his mistake, and lets the whole thing go because OBVIOUSLY. Just kidding! Instead, to prove that he has deep respect for women, he hunts the journalist down at a restaurant and interrupts a work meeting she is having with another interview subject to flirt with her and demand a retraction. IT’S CALLED RESPECT. Oh brother. (Also, there is some cameo by a micro-economist who makes some joke about how he’s not important as a movie star so he probably won’t get the cover of Vanity Fair, and it just stirs up a whole mess of Thought Mud that this show does not need to be stirring up. Like, for example: does anyone watching this show know what micro-economics are? And for as much as this is probably intended to be some kind of winking understanding that the world is bigger than Beverly Hills, it falls pretty flat because the show does everything in its power to prove that is not the case. And also who is this journalist? Does she write celebrity profiles or does she cover the economics beat? I’m telling you, man, Vanity Fair: all over the map, magazine-wise!)
The journalist points out a few things for Vince: namely that she can’t actually change the article now, even if she wanted to. (I would imagine not! If she had to turn it around in three days, then surely they have already gone to press and whoops, the magazine is sold out.) Secondly, that his behavior is not actually helping his case to prove that he isn’t insecure, needy, and disrespectful when it comes to women. (Damnit, Vince, I told you to REST YOUR CASE!) And thirdly, she asks why he even cares about two sentences in a six page cover article about him that won’t make any difference in terms of his ability to get work and/or the sex and ego-gratification of the women in Hollywood. ANOTHER GOOD POINT! Why does he care? WHY DOES HE CARE?! But Vince cares. He’s a “human bong,” damnit!
MEANWHILE: Turtle is going full-bake ahead with his Don Peppe’s idea by flying out the restaurant’s owner to check out Los Angeles. These guys are REAL NEW YORK. At least, that is what we are supposed to think for some reason. Like, they tease Turtle about how Hollywood he’s gotten, but if we can be perfectly honest, I’ve never seen two people who were more LA than these people:
His over-tanned face in his tight v-neck t-shirt. Her matchy-matchy pink luggage. The fact that they allow Turtle to push their luggage cart for them, and insist on being driven everywhere in a limousine, and act really bored when you try to talk to them about actual business because they just want to eat fruit and take cellphone photos of celebrities? Nonsense. HEY-OOHHHHHH. The city’s got a million stories, but these two aren’t one of them. Anyway, Turtle worked really hard to bring these guys out here and they don’t even seem that interested in his proposal. It is almost as if they know that he is not a real businessman and that this is whole “baked clams in LA” thing is a terrible idea!
Also, this is the eighth season of Entourage. How are we JUST getting around to a David Spade cameo?
PHEW! Just made it!
Meanwhile, Ari’s lawyer explains to him that he’s about to get taken to the cleaners. His wife (who shall remain nameless) might not only sue for custody, but she leant him 11 million dollars to start Ari Gold Agents N’ Such, and if he doesn’t pay her back, she could take his business away from him, too. “And this is just the beginning,” the lawyer says. Well, I mean, come on, lawyer. Like, that’s most of it? If she takes away his kids, his house, and his business, is that really just the beginning? What else? She is going to sue for custody of Lloyd? She wouldn’t dare! After maybe two to three seconds of squabbling, his business partner, Babs, agrees to float him the 11 million dollars–that was easy–if he will give her a controlling stake in the company. He acts like this is the end of the world when two seconds ago he didn’t have ANY millions of dollars and was going to lose it all. Grow up, Ari. He has to make a decision, so he goes home to talk to his wife. His lawyer tells him this is a bad idea because they should just let the lawyers handle it, but Ari insists that it will be fine because he’s known her since they were 19 and surely he can reason with her. What he doesn’t know is that Bobby Flay is inside pretending to “act.”
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Look, it’s no criticism that Bobby Flay can’t act. Of course he can’t! He’s not an actor! He is a very talented chef (probably? I have never eaten any of his food, but let’s just say that he is) and that is surely enough. But THIS SCENE IS THE WORST! Why are they making him do that? Those kisses! I just scrubbed my eyes raw with some steel wool, it’s fine now. Ari goes BALLISTIC when he finds out that Bobby Flay
can’t act is in his house, but he somehow manages to gain control of himself and he leaves the house saddened but resolved to turn the whole divorce over to the lawyers. “I don’t even know who you are anymore,” he says to his soon-to-be-ex-wife. Aww. Well, that’s tough, but I’m sure they’re going to get divorced and that she definitely won’t have a change of heart and that they absolutely under no circumstances will just get back together in a tidy, easily resolved ending for the final season of this show. So, good luck, Ari. I know how difficult this must be! Almost as difficult as it was for Bobby Flay to say his lines!
Which brings us, of course, to Johnny’s Bananas. What’s going to happen to the Greatest Television Show of Our Time?! Johnny Drama, as you may recall, has joined Andrew Dice Clay in a pre-emptive strike to get their salaries increased even though the show isn’t actually on the air yet. Uh. OK. I never claimed to know how showbusiness worked, and apparently I was right in my assumption that I don’t understand at all, because that makes no sense. Billy calls Drama to explain that if the show gets canceled he is going to kill him because he really needs the money. Fair enough. Except that he calls Johnny on a white iPhone from his child’s elaborate themed birthday party. How about tightening that belt a little, Billy. From a cursory glance at two seconds of your life, I’m not entirely convinced that you’re only spending money on the essentials.
Drama goes to Dice’s house where a poker game is going on, because you know how those rough-and-tumble, hardcore gamblers love to play poker at three in the afternoon. Dice asks Drama to stay strong on this. Phil, the producer calls, and threatens not only to cancel Johnny’s Bananas (OH NOOOOOO!), but also the made-for-TV Ukrainian mining disaster movie written by Vincent Chase (WHO CARRRRRRRRRES?!). Johnny Drama is about to cave, but then he says that he’s sticking to his guns. He says that he’s about to throw up, and for literally two seconds we are allowed to think that maybe Johnny made a mistake and maybe he’s about to lose everything that he worked so hard for (well, you know, “worked so hard for”) when the phone rings at Dice’s house and it’s Phil calling to tell him that everyone is getting more money and the show is saved and nothing is wrong. OH NEAT, THAT SEEMS ABOUT RIGHT. (Also, who is this producer who makes all of his deals with the talent directly? What are these guys even paying their agents and managers 20 percent for? I’m just saying, go through the proper channels, fat cats!)
Speaking of agents and managers, E is upset because his ex-fiance’s ex-stepmom bought him a car. He thinks it’s to thank him for sex, but she says it’s because she got a role on the new JJ Abrams show. STOP! YOU’RE BOTH GROSS! Then there’s something about Jonathan Galecki fucking Sloane? Yuck. EARMUFFS! If this is as realistic a depiction of Hollywood as it claims to be, then everyone out there has AIDS, which they got from FUCKING THEIR MOMS. Eek! Eek! Eek! Anyway, E is upset about this Jonathan Galecki business (although, as a preview for next week’s show will remind us, he’s not so upset that he doesn’t FUCK HIS EX-STEPMOM AGAIN?!) so he goes to get a beer with Vince and Scott Caan. Incidentally, Scott Caan commits TWO counts of workplace harassment this week that would seriously be grounds for actual lawsuits and he was barely even on the show.
They are at some bar with bowling lanes that VInce wanted to go because apparently he’s asking all of his ex-conquests if they ever had meaningful conversations. OH JESUS VINCE, JUST GET YOUR VAGINA SEWN SHUT AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE! What is this plotline, even? Even Turtle is like “what is this plotline?” But Vince is worried that he’s never had a meaningful relationship. And Turtle is worried that the Don Peppe’s deal isn’t going to go through. And E tells Scott Caan to fire Jonathan Galecki or else he’s going to dissolve their partnership. COULD THE TENSION GET ANY THICKER?! SO INTENSE, I CAN HARDLY STAND IT NOW!