We pick up right where we left off last week, at the Vampire Tolerance Party in the hotel ballroom. It’s a bloodbath! There are witch-controlled vampires everywhere. Sookie’s running around with her hair all in her face. The witch is standing up on a balcony cackling, as witches do. Eric is fighting with Bill, tossing him all around. Sookie tries to stop him, and he says, “Get out of the way, I have to kill the king.” Hahah. Wait a second. What? Here’s what I mean: sure, he needs to kill the king because he is under a witch’s spell that makes him an automaton vampire murder robot and his primary directive is to kill the king. Got it. But so what’s with all the TALKING? In general, this witch’s spells seem very confusing. You would think that if you were completely under a witch’s spell that was forcing you to do something you did not want to do, it wouldn’t leave a lot of wiggle room for light, congenial conversation? Eric slaps Sookie to the ground (yes!) and is about to kill Bill when Bill pulls out a gun full of silver bullets and starts shooting everybody. Oy. Then that stupid Vampire Prime Minister kills a vampire with a pencil. Uh. If True Blood has been sitting on that one, they picked a weird time to use it? Like, I understand how you might think that killing a vampire with a pencil through the heart is a funny little sight-gag, but why is it happening in a hotel ballroom mele? It should happen at an elementary school. Or a Staples. Anyway, Eric once again overpowers Bill and is about to kill him with a FLAGPOLE (again, haha, but also, no) when Sookie FAIRY FINGER BLASTS him! Kaboom! (Speaking of fairies, it has been one million episodes since this show decided to just let that whole fairy underworld plotline fall to the wayside, huh? I’m not complaining. That was a terrible plotline. BUT it was also the plotline that OPENED THE SEASON, so it isn’t unreasonable for some of us to see this development as further indication that this show is impossibly lazy, adheres to no internal logic, sucks, and is a piece of shit.) Not only does Sookie’s fairy blast save Bill, it also removes all of the curses from Eric (which, incidentally, was TWO curses, which is kind of too many curses). Somehow, it also forces the witch to have some kind of crisis of conscience about all of the people she has injured at the hotel. Poor hotel. The witch almost starts to cry, but there is no time. HOTEL BALROOMIOSO DISAPPEARUM! She is gone. Bill and Eric and Sookie all look at each other like, “meaningful glance.”

Back at Witches-R-Us, the witch explains that they are super close to achieving their goal of No More Vampires, and they all just need to stick together. All of the hostages are like, “no.” The witch doesn’t care. (That is the thing about 400 year old possessive Spanish witch spirits, they are very hard to reason with!) She tells them all to just chill. This is when Tara and that other lady get the idea that THEY are going to become powerful witches and fight magic with magic. Sure, ladies. I’m sure this is going to go great for both of you. My favorite part of this whole plotline is when the other lady is copying down spells from a spell-book in Latin and Tara expresses her concern that since they don’t both know Latin, they might pronounce a word wrong and summon a swarm of locusts instead of opening the doors. Hahha. Right. “Look, no matter what, the magic is DEFINITELY going to work and it’s going to be VERY POWERFUL, so we just have to make sure it’s THE RIGHT MAGIC.” The show seems to be like “yes, this is normal and acceptable.” Fuck it. Something is up with the witch, though. You OK, witch?

“Why do YOU think you’re feeling possessed by a 400-year-old Spanish witch spirit?”

Jason is having regrets about fucking Vampire Jessica because of his friendship with her ex-boyfriend of two days, and his best friend of all life, Hoyt. Very reasonable human emotion! Jessica gets very defensive and kind of angry about the whole thing. On the one hand, I guess I can understand (oh my God, am I trying to empathize with a vampire teenager on True Blood?!) how she might feel like she’s being singled-out and criminalized in this situation, but the truth of the matter is that she does have magical glamour powers, her blood is a schedule II narcotic, and she seems to be very manipulative and greedy, so, you know, yes, she is the criminal here. She storms off. Boo hoo, I’m sure. Incidentally, this brings us back to Vampire King Bill’s Castle where Eric and Sookie are talking about love on the setee and Eric explains that even though he remembers who he used to be, he also remembers who he became under the witch’s spell, and he is still that guy, and she can still be in love with him. She explains that she does love him, but that she still loves Bill, and then they talk about love for a long time, and Eric says I love you. NOW HOLD ON ONE SECOND. Fucking…god DAMN it! Look, CAN VAMPIRES FEEL EMOTIONS OR CAN’T THEY? Because, as far as I understand the rules that THIS SHOW ESTABLISHED FOR ITSELF IN SEASON 1, vampires DO NOT HAVE EMOTIONS. But now ALL of the vampires are in love? And when Pam hears about Eric being “back,” she IS OVERCOME WITH JOY?! Which is it? Are they vampires or are they TEENAGE GIRLS?! Forget it, Gabe, it’s Bad Writing Town.

Bill tells the Vampire Prime Minister that he is taking over because if she had just listened to him in the first place and allowed him to kill the witch, none of this would have happened. Huh. Personally, I think a much stronger argument would have been that she didn’t listen to him when he asked her to cancel the Tolerance Party, which was a really inconsequential event and also the actual scene of all the bloodshed. It would be just as strong of an indicator of her poor leadership decisions, and frankly I think Vampire King Bill doesn’t need to remind everyone of his preemptive eagerness to murder some middle-aged yarn salesman two towns over. Anyway, Bill and the Prime Minister argue over who should be in charge and when it is appropriate to FIREBOMB the Candle Dipping Factory, but first, more of this shit:

What is up with this shit? Did this set cost a million dollars and they just really need to get their money’s worth? It doesn’t look like it cost a million dollars. More like ten dollars. But boy, they sure are milking this three-bed basement jail. The best part is that this is supposedly to protect them from the witch trying to summon all the vampires out into the sunlight, but the witch never even tried that a second time, much less every single day. She should have, I guess? DOES THIS SHOW EVEN HAVE ANY WRITERS LEFT AT THIS POINT? It seriously seems like the writing of this show has been handed off to a disenfranchised teenager who didn’t feel like doing any homework.

Tommy Merlotte dies from his werewolf beating. Sam is like, “we have to get him some vampire blood,” which is the new, “we have to get him to the hospital.” LOL. But Tommy says no and Alcide says that “he has the right to choose his time.” Wait, WHAT?! No, he doesn’t? Look, I’m all in favor of legalizing Assisted Suicide in the case of incurable chronic illness that will inevitably lead to a slow, drawn out, painful death. But a 23-year-old who just got punched in the face by a werewolf too much? I’M PRETTY SURE THERE IS HOPE FOR HIM, STILL. This is very weird. This show is weird. It has weird ideas about how the world works and what constitutes “courage” or whatever. Sam is like, “Oh, OK, you’re right strange werewolf that if I were to go back through the previous episodes of this show I’m pretty sure it would prove I’ve never even met, let’s just let my brother die because that is what you said when you pulled him out of the jeep like a sack of dried beans.” Fuuuu.

Speaking of having an incredibly weird and flimsy moral code, Alcide takes Sam back to the werwolf motorcycle garage to find the Pack Leader, and they confront one of the werewolves that beat up Tommy, and Sam punches him in the face, and then, when the werewolf moves to defend himself, Alcide holds both of his arms behind his back and lets Sam whale on him. Uh. He makes some point to the dude about how four dudes beat up on a defenseless dude even when he told them to stop, which, yes, good for you, Alcide, you were right. But I’m not sure how restraining someone entirely while another man pistol whips him is any better? This show is a mess. ENOUGH ALREADY!

While this is happening the werewolf pack leader is about to fuck Alcide’s girlfriend, which I think we are supposed to care about, but we don’t, because she’s kind of just an asshole and there has never been anything even remotely compelling or romantic about their relationship so who cares if it falls apart?

And I will say this about the Terry and Andy Bellefleur shooting guns at their old treehouse to cure Andy of his drug addiction: it is so boring.

Sookie doesn’t want the vampires to blow up the witch’s Organic Deodorant and Hand-Mirrors Store because Tara is trapped inside. So she convinces Jason, Lafayette, and Jesus to go with her and try to rescue the hostages. Jesus, in particular, wants to help, because he thinks that Marnie is being possessed by the Spanish witch and he wants to save her. Except it turns out that is not the case. Marnie and the Spanish witch have an argument in a storage room (XXL Hand Mirrors, 12ct) where the witch explains that she was a healer and she doesn’t want innocent people to get hurt, and Marnie explains that they need to work together to win this war. To be honest, neither argument makes sense. Like, Marnie acts as if she’s been put down and beaten all of her life and this is finally her chance to fight back, except that doesn’t seem like the case? She has a sustainable business, and a coterie of dedicated and engaged students. For the most part, it seems like she was left almost entirely alone until one time Eric yelled at her or whatever. Meanwhile, the witch explains that she doesn’t want to hurt people, which is nice, but as soon as Marnie is like, “it’s OK to hurt people,” the witch is like, “I guess you’re right, OK.” So what was she even talking about then? Lame. Dumb. Also, as SOON as the witch takes over Marnie’s body, she doesn’t even have whispers of hesitation or consideration, but just struts around like she’s going to Vagina Dentata everybody to death? Very interesting character. Very three-dimensional.

“I don’t know, I found this scene compelling.” – Gullham

Jesus tries to go in, but the witch store is protected by a force field. Uh oh! (P.S. There are force fields now.) The witch says that it is a simple protection spell. Is it? It doesn’t seem simple. Jesus says that he wants to help. She says that he can help if he passes through her barrier. Then this happens.

Jesus makes it through and yadda-yadda-yadda, he telepaths to Sookie that he was wrong, and that Marnie is the one who is in charge. (Oh, there is also a VERY funny part where the witch goes outside to confront Jesus and some of the hostages are like “she went outside, let’s touch the magic doorknobs right away without even testing them a little bit first, just grab them with your whole hand right away for sure.” It is hilarious. These are some dumb hostages for real.) While the witch is busy showing the vampires in the broom closet to Jesus, Tara and that other lady work their dark magic, which is literally just a spell to turn off the doorknobs (hmph) and they run outside and Sookie and Lafayette run to save them and the witch just casts a disappearing spell. Oh no! Where did they go?! (In the preview for next week we see that they just went back inside. What a DRAMA WITCH!)

“Wait for me, you guys!” – Jason Stackhouse, always.

Wait a second, what is that? Do you hear that? It sounds like…I think…yes, why that’s GERMAN HOUSE MUSIC! The vampires roll up in a black van dressed in matching black outfits and carrying a black ROCKET LAUNCHER.

Ahhhhhhhh! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA. Is this supposed to be tough? That is a serious question. Was someone who watched this show, when this scene came on, were they like “OH SNAP, VAMPIRES ABOUT TO TAKE CARE OF SOME SERIOUS BUSINESS!” Because all I can think of is “Now is the time on Vamsprockires when we dahnce.” Not tough. And, what, they’re just going to fire a rocket launcher into a strip mall? Is that the plan? From the middle of an intersection? Is that what a “surgical strike” is? Do we know what kind of interaction rocket launchers have with magical force fields? Meanwhile, the last time we saw Jason Stackhouse he was stuck outside while all his friends had disappeared but now he’s nowhere to be seen. Do you think he left to go get dinner somewhere? What do you think he’s eating? Guys, I know I sound like a broken record, BUT THIS IS A BAD TELEVISION SHOW!

Comments (33)
  1. You know how all the vampires can run super fast in this show, to the point that it seems to take them mere seconds to run several miles? Maybe they should use that power against Witch Hazel, because she appears to only be able to stop vampires when they come up to her and pause for long enough for her to whip up another spell.

    Which brings up another thing about this show – the fact that people seem to have powers they never use. Sookie has hand lighting and ESP, but she rarely uses them despite living in a place that’s more dangerous than 1000 hurricanes combined (topical!). Vampires can run super fast, but the only do it when they hear a call from their maker or something. And some vampires can fly, I guess, but just that one time when the guy who lived in the quarry in Garden State was upset his BFF was dead. Jesus is some sort of Tejano Warlock, but apparently his powers can only be used for emo purposes.

    tl;dr – Gabe is right about how this show sucks and has no internal logic.

  2. I’m usually the annoying “but it’s hilarious campy fun!” defender person, but nope. This season is indefensible. Last night’s episode was not ‘bad in a good way’. It was the most terrible hour of television I’ve watched in months, and I watch Jersey Shore. So.

    • Agreed. From the first episode of the season, I thought perhaps *maybe* the writers were going… somewhere…with this… I crossed my fingers and watched faithfully, and this is how I’m repaid?! Every week it’s the same microcosmic plot: crazy witch tries to attack vampires. Vampires defend themselves. All separate & regroup. Talk talk talk about nothing nothing nothing. Later, have vampire-witch standoff. Someone gets hurt–cliffhanger ending! I just don’t care anymore. :( I no longer have faith in Alan Ball–there, I said it!

  3. Fairy Finger Blasts: So funny. So gross.

  4. I cannot explain to myself WHY I watch this show every week.

    Also, I cannot explain to anyone how Alan Ball could create the beautiful Six Feet Under AND this crap.

  5. “Then that stupid Vampire Prime Minister kills a vampire with a pencil.”

    True Blood must have missed the memo; the Joker already did the whole murder with a pencil thing, AND IT WAS AWESOME. REMEMBER? JOKER’S ALL LIKE, “MAGIC AND SECOND HAND SUITS THAT DON’T MATCH BAM YOU’RE DEAD OSCAR PLEASE!!” Compared to that, this pencil death just seemed like..wait for it…pencil shavings?

    I’m happy to meet you more than halfway on that one.

  6. You didn’t mention my favorite part! When brother Tommy is dying and Sam is overcome with emotion because Tommy is making gurgling noises and he says “I’m so fucking sad” (or alternately, “this is so fucking sad”) which C’MON, True Blood, COME THE FUCK ON. I seriously thought it was going to end up being a gag, like oh Tommy is pretending to die and this scene is ridiculous, but then no, it actually happened. I really hope Sam Merlotte improvised that line because if someone wrote that into the script, they wrote it knowing they were already done with the show.

    • I nominate Tommy for Best Death Rattle!


    • My favorite part of that scene was where Sam starts wiping the gallon of blood off Tommy’s face, and we see that he looks totally normal otherwise. I mean, Tommy just got the shit kicked out of him so bad that he is going to die from it, yet he doesn’t have a single cut or bruise on his face? Maybe a black eye?

    • While we’re here, does anyone know why Tommy showed up in his Sam suit in the first place? It was clear that the pack leader wanted to beat the shit out of Sam, right? Not to mention that when Tommy got the werewolves’ American Chopper lair, there were 5 other werewolves in the room holding cartoon-sized wrenches. Surely that did not bode well. I’m not sure if even Ryan Gosling could have broken up that fight. Oh well, RIP Tommy. You were kinda the worst. Now if only we could get Tara to sleep with the werewolf’s ex-wife…

      • I thought of two reasons. He thought that if he went and beat up the pack leader, Sam would be like “Thanks I forgive you for sleeping with my girlfriend. We’re cool.” The other reason I came up with was that he wanted to die and was too lazy to do it himself. He mouthed off to the pack leader with the other guys in the room so I’m going to go with “suicide by getting your butt kicked while being another person – which will most likely end in death because you get really sick after you skin walk or whatever.” Or, maybe they just wanted to kill off Tommy and this show is horrible.

        On another note, I almost commented saying that vampires can choose to feel emotion or turn it off, but then realized that only happens on Vampire Diaries which I also watch because I’m a loser.

        • Valid reasons, I suppose. Now that we’ve solved that riddle, how about a reason for why shifters aren’t the kings of the were-kingdom. Werewolves have to shift into wolves. Werepanthers have to shift into inbred meth addicts. Can’t shifters like Sam shift into anything (dog, horse, bird, etc)? Why not shift into a tiger or a grizzly bear or that rabbit from Holy Grail who ripped out everyone’s throats? Sorry. There I go again, trying to apply logic to this show.

          • That’s what I’m saying! I can see the draw of running as a horse, but if I were a shape shifter living in bumfuck Egypt, I’d be an elephant when not at work.

            BTW, why does nobody have to show up at their jobs or even have a job on this show? Shouldn’t Sookie be out looking for employment since she got fired by Tommy-Sam? Doesn’t Jesus live in Monroe and have to work 5 days a week? Doesn’t Lafayette have two jobs?

  7. I want to be done with this show. But there’s only two episodes left! (Which is sort of like saying, I’d like you to stop punching me in the face, but please do it two more times first!)

  8. I still don’t get why the witch’s spell doesn’t work on Bill and the Vampire Prime Minister lady . I get the whole silver thing was to prevent them from going into the sun during the day, but does the spell only work in the day time? I know, I know, Im not supposed to ask questions, but at this point it is almost like the show is completely self aware that it is garbage. Is there something worse than phoning it in? True Blood is too lazy to even do that.

    • I dunno, Vampire Eric’s “enchantment” he’s under sounds suspiciously like the kid at the party in high school who’s been drinking O’Doul’s without knowing it, and keeps falling over and telling everyone how wasted he is. “I’m so under this enchantment right now, gotta kill the King!”

  9. Alcide was right. Anyone would die if they got punched in the face by Keith Stone.

  10. I love that they were like “no you can’t come with us, it’s dangerous” to go blow up the witches, when Sookie clearly saved everyone with her fairy blaster not 5 minutes before.

    Haven’t we learned that Sookie unconsciously always saves the day? It broke the curse. IT IS CLEARLY STRONG AGAINST MARNIE.

    Whatever, this show. Keep magicking that chicken.

  11. I’m so excited for “True Blood: Turn Off the Doorknobs” on Broadway next summer.

  12. how about that big 1800-dentist banner at the beginning? i also suspected that this show was nothing more than a DENTAL CONSPIRACY!

  13. Jesus totally looked like something out of “Are You Afraid of the Dark” with that Devil face….

  14. The location finders ot this show have clearly never been to Shreveport. Our downtown is decrepit, you can buy a decent downtown building for like $200,000 and by “decent” I mean a 10 foot hole in the roof, no windows, and 3 firm walls.

    What killed me is that they filmed a bunch of locations for the first season in Shreveport and since then have not been back. There was a vampire nest that somebody burned down in that first season and the house they torched ended up being historically important, they didn’t get the proper permits and I think pretty much everyone had a giant shit fit about it. So this whole, “let’s go firebomb Shreveport” thing is like them joking about the incident and the fervor it caused. I know there’s no connection, but it’s still a jab at a open wound.

  15. Gabe, with glowing descriptions like, “Middle-aged yarn salesman”, I have no idea how you haven’t been hired to do the show’s P.R. yet.

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