Katie Holmes appeared on Charlie Rose last night, to talk about her role in Guillermo del Toro’s Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark. She said some glowing things about Guillermo — “When it comes to Guillermo, you say yes because it’s Guillermo. He’s incredible.” — which, you know, sure, but then also she said some bologna about how the script was too scary:

When I did read the script, I was terrified just reading the script. And I kept hearing noises in our house, and I would wake up at three in the morning and I’m like — Oh my God, I think somebody’s here.

Oh, COME ON, Katie. While I don’t think that this is true because nothing is ever true that a celebrity says because the world is a vampire and you can’t trust anyone these days especially when they’re an actress and what they’re saying also serves to advertise how scary the movie their promoting is, I do think that this is a great opportunity to write some late-night-talk-show-host style jokes about it! PERFECT.

  • Did you hear what Katie Holmes said about reading the script for her new movie, Don’t Be Afraid Of the Dark? That it was so scary she’d wake up at night thinking somebody was there. Turns out it was just Tom Cruise coming in from his separate bedroom to borrow her slippers.
  • Did you hear what Katie Holmes said about reading the script for her new movie, Don’t Be Afraid Of the Dark? She said it gave her nightmares — She said she even had one where she had SEX WITH HER HUSBAND.
  • Did you hear what Katie Holmes said about reading the script for her new movie, Don’t Be Afraid Of the Dark? She said it was so scary, she’d wake up in the middle of the night thinking someone was there. Tom Cruise said that there was zero amount of proof that she thought this. That was a scientology joke, FOLKS! They can’t all be winners. Can we try that one again?
  • Did you hear what Katie Holmes said about reading the script for her new movie, Don’t Be Afraid Of the Dark? She said it was so scary that it made her think she was hearing noises in her house. Turns out it was just the ghost of her marriage’s believability.
  • Did you hear what Katie Holmes said about reading the script for her new movie, Don’t Be Afraid Of the Dark? That when she’d read it in bed at night, it was too scary. “Yeah, I know what you mean,” said Tom Cruise. “Getting into bed with Katie at night is ALWAYS scary.”

Very funny jokes! (Via Vulture.)

Comments (26)
  1. Can we do lazy taglines for this movie next? “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” Haha! Nineties.

  2. Did you hear what Katie Holmes said about reading the script for her new movie, Don’t Be Afraid Of the Dark? That she said she said she jumped at every turn of the page….then Suri asked for her pop-up book back.

    • Did you hear what Katie Holmes said about reading the script for her new movie, Don’t Be Afraid Of the Dark? That she said it wasn’t anything special, she was just happy to be let out of the compound to socialize for a few days. then she slipped charlie rose a note under the table…

  3. I thought that was a picture of Angelina Jolie.

    Awesome post, I know.

  4. Did you hear what Katie Holmes said about reading the script for her new movie, Don’t Be Afraid Of the Dark? She said it was so scary that it made her think she was hearing noises in her house. Turns out it was James Van Der Beek, Michelle Williams, and Joshua Jackson, finally carrying out their “Free Katie” plan. It would have worked, except Emma Stone, who was supposed to drive the getaway car, kept being distracted by comic love letters. Damn you, Jim Carrey!

    #thenewa-team

  5. Did you hear what Katie Holmes said about reading the script for her new movie, Don’t Be Afraid Of the Dark? What? You didn’t hear? Who is Katie Holmes? She was in Mad Money and that JFK mini-series that aired on Reelz Channel. What? You don’t have Reelz Channel?

  6. Did you hear what Katie Holmes said about reading the script for her new movie, Don’t Be Afraid Of the Dark? Turns out, she has nyctophobia, a legitimate pathological fear of the dark, and needs to be surrounded by light at all times. Have you heard about this?

  7. this movie must be scary because she looks terrifying in that picture

  8. Did you hear that Katie Holmes has trouble distinguishing fiction from reality? And that she also becomes paranoid and hears noises that aren’t really there? Did you hear this one? Turns out, those are symptoms of schziophrenia, a serious mental disorder. *rimshot*

  9. Did you hear what Katie Holmes said about reading the script for her new movie, Don’t Be Afraid Of the Dark? She said it was so scary, she would wake up at three in the morning thinking someone was there. Turns out it was just Tom Cruise practicing his Uncle Sam on Stilts gag like he does every night.

  10. Did you hear what Katie Holmes said about reading the script for her new movie, Don’t Be Afraid Of the Dark? That it was so scary she’d wake up at night thinking somebody was there. Turns out it was just Tom Cruise initiating Ghost Protocol.

  11. …and I thought I was saved, but then I realized it was all a dream, and I had to return to the terrifying reality that is my life.

  12. The world is a vampire.
    dun-da-da-dada-daa
    Sent to dray-ee-ay-ee-aaaain

  13. The monsters are a metaphor, you guys! A metaphor for the Scientology handlers that watch Katie when she’s asleep and threaten to take her back to the compound if she doesn’t behave.

  14. This proves once and for all that celebrities are just like us!

    In other news, I’m being held hostage in a house by a lunatic who keeps ranting about alien bugs on my skin that come out of volcanoes. Please send help.

  15. Kelly, in the paragraph following the block quote you have “what their saying” when you meant to write “what they’re saying”. Seriously, step up your game.

  16. Did you hear what Katie Holmes said about reading the script for her new movie, Don’t Be Afraid Of the Dark? She said it was so scary she panicked and closed her eyes, making everything even worse.

  17. Did you hear what Katie Holmes said about reading the script for her new movie, Don’t Be Afraid Of the Dark? She said, quote: “I kept hearing noises in our house, and I would wake up at three in the morning and I’m like — Oh my God, I think somebody’s here.” Katie reread the script 89 times hoping to find someone to share her terrified lonely existence with, but all the demons were too afraid of Tom Cruise.

  18. I hope the “Katie Holes” tag gets lots of use. Not for gross reasons, just because it makes me laugh.

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