LOVE IS IN THE SMOG-FILLED AIR! (And now a reference to LA’s famous traffic jams!) Vince has an interview with a celebrity journalist for Vanity Fair. Ooh-la-la. Wait, speaking of Vanity Fair, what is up with that magazine? There are some pretty good articles in it, but I started subscribing this year for reasons that I still do not fully understand, and the cover is always, like, Cher. Cher was on the cover of the first issue I received. Cher? What? Anyway, Vince’s publicist is telling him that he really needs to make this interview count and Turtle is telling Vince that he really needs to make this article be about his baked clams restaurant. Haha. I’m pretty sure the potential future of Turtle’s baked clams empire is not going to live or die on whether it was casually mentioned in a Vanity Fair puff-piece about Vincent Chase, but OK. When they round the corner and see the journalist (Sophia), Vince is like STOP THE PRESSES VICKI VALE WHO IS THAT BATDANCE EVER DANCED WITH THE DEVIL IN THE PALE MOON MARRY ME. (She is blonde and has an English accent and later we will learn that she went to Oxford. She’s also kind of an asshole, she talks too fast, she’s super full of herself, and she says things that sound really pretentious but then when you think about them they don’t actually make any sense because they aren’t actually the thoughts of a highly-educated, sophisticated journalist, they’re just shit that Doug Ellin made up. So, you know, HUBBA HUBBA.) Vince spends the whole interview ignoring Sophia’s questions and trying to fuck her. She ends the interview in frustration. In Vince’s defense, her questions were, like, parodies of what a 1980s psychiatrist might ask. “Do you think you’re an actor because daddy issues?” Shut up, Sophia, INNIT? Anyway, Vince’s publicist is furious at him because she TOLD him not to blow this interview and he went and blew this interview. He says he’ll handle it. His publicist says no. He says yes and drives away (well, Turtle drives away, obviously). Uh oh!
Meanwhile, it’s Ari’s day with the kids. Mrs. Ari drops them off. (No Lloyd this week. He’ll be back next week to provide the target for a series of miserable AIDS Colony jokes or some shit, I”m sure.) Ari is going to take his kids to Disneyland, but his 18-year-old daughter is NOT happy about it. She would rather be gossiping on the phone! Oh wait, here comes Babs. Something something another Taylor Lautner reference. Something something Dana coming to the office. I’m sure this is ripped right from the Variety headlines and that studio heads are constantly just reading scripts in agency conference rooms because that is just a real thing that happens and NOT a way to force Ari to disappoint his children, create a scene with Dana, and force his relationship struggles at home towards divorce. Just the way business is done. Anyway, Dana shows up and tries to read a script in a conference room with Ari and Babs sitting right there, which again, very normal and definitely business and then his kids burst in and ask if Dana is the woman that their mom hates and Dana gets mad and storms out and Taylor Lautner never showed up anyways. Haha. What’s the matter, Taylor Lautner? Why didn’t you want to be on this incredible television show that is a mirror of your wonderful life?!
E has a meeting with Sloane’s ex-stepmom who played Julie Clarke on The O.C. I mean, the actress who played Julie Clarke on The O.C. also plays Sloane’s ex-stepmom on Entourage, who herself is an out of work actress, and it is really hard to tell if she is playing herself or some version of herself or a totally different character altogether. No one will say, really. Anyway, she wants E to be her manager. Scott Caan pushes his rooster chest out. E meets her for drinks later. They keep talking about his breakup and also how her ex-husband used to use Viagra. So many dropped hints about Viagra. More drinks. This is going great. This is definitely not going to be horrible and toxic and disgusting thing played off as a casually hilarious goof-em-up. Oh wait:
It’s like our generation’s The Graduate. Except remember how The Graduate was incredibly well-written, perfectly acted, aesthetically interesting, and stands the test of time? This is the opposite of all those things. But otherwise, perfect. As soon as E is done fucking Sloane’s ex-stepmom, Sloane calls. WHOOPS! LOL. WHOOOOOOOPS! Hahhaha. She yells at him because it was her ex-stepmom’s plan to revenge fuck E the whole time. Uh oh. E is like “?” and she is like “:P”. Gotcha. What a couple pieces of stupid shit these horrible “human beings” are. And now it might not be until the second to last or even last episode before E gets Sloane back!!!!!
Vince invites Sophia over to his hotel penthouse to redo the interview and promises that he’ll answer all of her questions this time. She says she doesn’t think it’s a very good idea, but then he pretty much convinces her right away. I feel like you are either a person who has a deep moral code and a set of ethical standards or you are not, and both modes of being are understandable, but who are these TV people who are supposed to have deep moral codes and sets of ethical standards who roll over in two seconds?
She comes over and seriously asks him the most ridiculous questions about his dad and drug abuse and porn stars, just really trying to GET INTO IT, and he answers everything honestly and hardly even tries to stealth market Turtle’s new baked clams restaurant. After the interview, though, he tries to ask her out again, and once again she spews some completely nonsense and then walks off. “I love her,” Vince says. Sure. I hope the finale is the two of them getting GAY MARRRIIEEEEEEED!
COOL SUBLOT: Turtle got an iPad.
Ari brings the kids home and tries to apologize to Mrs. Ari but she is not buying it. Actually, his main point is that he would rather his estranged wife please not poison the children about him, which I think is perfectly legitimate. She counters with a spiteful, angry, acidic tirade about how this whole day is a perfect demonstration of everything that is wrong with him and that she has called a lawyer and is filing for a divorce. Good. She’s a bitch!
Oh, Ari is a real piece of work too and I hope that the Big One Earthquake hits California but miraculously only breaks off a tiny little piece of it, just enough land for Ari and his Maserati, and he goes floating off into the ocean. But his wife sucks. They deserve each other and they deserve to divorce each other. Ari looks so sad because he is a classically trained actor because he was in some plays in Chicago (LOL).
He goes to the W Hotel (right) and gets drunk and that is when Dana calls and she says that she is lonely and that she is sorry that she freaked out at him and she is willing to give their romance a shot. YAY! This is just like when Mulder and Scully finally kissed. ALL OF AMERICA HAS BEEN WAITING FOR 8 YEARS FOR ARI AND DANA TO GET TOGETHER AND IT’S FINALLY REALLY HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S JUST SO WONDERFUL I’M CRYING RIGHT NOW. Hahhaa. This fucking show. So smart about love and romance and human relationships. Just the best.
Oh, right, also something about Johnny Drama and Andrew Dice Clay. The future of Johnny’s Bananas hangs in the balance! I do love everything about Johnny’s Bananas but in particular I like when people talk about what an incredible show it’s going to be as if it is The Wire. “I tried to get into Downton Abbey but it just didn’t have the emotional resonance and the dramatic intrigue that that cartoon about a monkey played by Johnny Drama from Viking Quest called Johnny’s Bananas has, so I threw England into the trash.”
NEXT WEEK: CELEBRITY GUEST CHEF BOBBY FLAY AND THE THRILLING CONCLUSION TO WHETHER OR NOT VINCE IS FEATURED IN AN ARTICLE IN VANITY FAIR MAGAZINE!