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August is usually so dull and boring that if it was the corpse during the opening of an episode of CSI: Miami, Horatio would stand up from crouching near the body, pull his sunglasses down the bridge of his nose and say, “Looks like someone got so bored they jumped off the roof to death.” YEAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! But actually, this was one of the more action-packed weeks in a long time! Are you kidding me? Gwyneth Paltrow caused 9/11. Jon and Kate died. And GERARD DEPARDIEU PEED ON THE CARPET OF AN AIRPLANE! Phew. What a week. But now it’s time to put on our best Divine Rags outfit and go fascinate the hell out of somebody. See you Monday!

After the jump, the five Highest Rated comments, as voted on by you, the Lowest Rated comment, the winner of the 40,000 Watts Of MegaBASS Contest, and the Editor’s and Associate Editor’s Choice.

This Week’s Highest Rated Comments

#5 topknot | Aug 12th Score:60

Gwyneth Paltrow ate here and tried to pay with a $1000 bill.

Posted in: Draw Something: A Sign About A Random Celebrity To Hang In The Window Of Your Imaginary Restaurant
#4 Gobblegirl | Aug 12th Score:64

Hugh Jackman ate here and drank 6 cups of iced tea!

Posted in: Draw Something: A Sign About A Random Celebrity To Hang In The Window Of Your Imaginary Restaurant
#3 KajusX & Chainsaws | Aug 18th Score:65

Did somebody mention Sliding Doors? Let me blow the dust off this one:

Posted in: “Gwyneth Paltrow Saved A Life On Sept. 11″
#2 Son of Gabe | Aug 18th Score:73

Yeah.

Posted in: Child Actors Are Not People!
#1 Patrick M | Aug 18th Score:113

It’s like they say: “When God closes a door he kills 3,000 people.”

Posted in: “Gwyneth Paltrow Saved A Life On Sept. 11″

[Assoc. Ed. Note: Great job, Patrick M! "Congrads." I think one thing we can all say for ourselves this week is that if we can't thank God for working through Gwyneth Paltrow to save this one woman's life on 9/11 by almost running her over, we can at LEAST thank God for giving us the story about it. Thanks, God!]

This Week’s Lowest Rated Comment

#1 marvelous rug | Aug 15th Score:-43
I can see the meteorologists now, staring worriedly at their monitors as a warm front of BEING WOMEN meets the icy cool front of BEING BLACK, and in the middle, the perfect storm of INVENTING BULLSHIT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT.
Posted in: An Open Letter From The Association Of Black Women Historians To The Help

[Assoc. Ed. Note: I really don't know what to say to this? Obviously this is an insane comment. And I don't want to but that much more thought into a response than this person put into the comment itself. So -- Poor racist must fuck like dogshit.]

This Week’s Caption Contest Winner

Dusky Panther | Aug 16th Score:28

When you listen to Simon and Garfunkel in that car, nothing happens.

Posted in: The Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest: 40,000 Watts Of MegaBASS

[Ed. Note: Congratulations, Dusky Panther. You earned it!]

This Week’s Associate Editor’s Choice

topknot | Aug 18th Score:12

Pee Week.

Posted in: End Of The Day Urinal Slide

[Assoc. Ed. Note: Yep.]

This Week’s Editor’s Choice

stu | Aug 18th Score:51

Despite her heroism, Gwyneth is still carries regret from that day.

“I didn’t do enough!”

“You did so much.”

“This car. Ten people right there I could have saved by almost running them over with it. Ten people.”

Posted in: “Gwyneth Paltrow Saved A Life On Sept. 11″

[Ed. Note: I just made this joke the other day to my friend Max in an on-line chat, except that my variation on the joke was related to a new kind of snack he was eating called Pretzel Crisps, and that turned into some kind of Schindler's Crisps joke, which, EEK! It's complicated. And always good that my grandmother does not read this blog. But, you know, HAHAHAHAH.]

Comments (38)
  1. Gwyneth Paltrow is already an Oscar winner, cookbook author, mother of two, wife of a rock star and a life saver, now she can add indirectly helping someone go to the Monster’s Ball to her list of accomplishmdfaskhfjklsdfhsjldfhasjklfh

    • Uhh, helping THREE people, Patrick. Come on.

    • Is there anything she can’t do

      besides have Gabe fall in love with her, her charm is lost on his cantankerous soul

      • I don’t know about that. I have always thought that the Videogum series finale would have Gabe and Gwen finally get together after years of ‘will they or won’t they?’ Kelly will ride off on her motorcycle after a poignant goodbye to Godsauce, who will be airlifted away only to see ‘Goodbye’ spelled out with rocks. Also, That One, Werttrew, Steve Winwood, and Thisismynightmare will be in prison. And Son of Gabe will decide not to sell the bar after all, and Ian will turn down a fancy job for love.

        Then BOOM! It turns out it was all in the mind of an autistic child!

  2. No one has mentioned yet that Mr. Lowest Voted has a Jar Jar Binks avatar so it’s a trap I know go to the dark side he did

  3. The associate editor note on the worst comment used the word “but” when she meant the word “put”. I’m getting sick and tired of all these typos.

  4. Young monsters, gather ’round. This week, I earned my second-straight Ball placement (note: it is correct to giggle at the phrase “ball placement”), which was also my second ever. How does such a wonderful thing happen? I recommend you learn these two lessons:
    1. Figure out how to use html notation in your comments.
    2. Hugh Jackman pees his pants jokes will never not be funny.

    You’re welcome.

  5. Good job monsters! Patrick M you made me LOL all over the place with that one!

  6. Now that I’m done gloating smugly, I have an actual piece of information to share regarding Facebook Connect.
    I “liked” Vgum on FB, and henceforth was constantly being automatically signed into videogum from my facebook account, and when I was signed in as Gobblegirl it would always ask me if I wanted to post the comment to my wall. I un-liked Videogum (sorry!) to see if that would fix it, but it did not.
    Then, I accidentally said “yes” instead of “cancel” to the pop-up, and posted a videogum thing to my wall. When I went to my wall to delete the post (the little x on the corner), it told me that I had just deleted the “videogum app”!
    So far, it looks like this was successful in de-linking my two accounts. I hope this helps other Monsters who might not want their real names posted all over this site.

  7. One final thought on this week: I think it’s in poor taste to namedrop Gwyneth Paltrow and then brag about how you survived 9/11.

  8. Wow, Top 5 and Associate Editor’s Choice! Is this what they mean by “watch the throne?”

  9. It’s an honor to be part of a community that rewards combination 9/11-Holocaust jokes.

  10. Guys, I saw The Help last night; turns out the ABWH was right! My bad! Whoopsie doodles!

  11. Pretzel crisps are so good. They are deliciously thin and the perfect amount of crispy. The end.

  12. True story: I blew the bass out of my ’05 Taurus (please stop trying to look unimpressed) and Simon and Garfunkel sounds AWFUL on my stereo now. Like a dubstep remix of Bookends.

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