There are actually a TON of trailers this week, you guys. There’s a new Frieda Pinto movie, a new Underworld movie, a new Daniel Radcliff movie, TWO Nicolas Cage movies, a Gerard Butler movie, and a Roman Polanski movie. (Also a couple other movies I didn’t even mention just now, if you can believe it. Because it’s true!) So let’s just get right to the business:

Trishna

At first I was like, well this trailer doesn’t really give you much of an idea of what this movie is actually about other than it appears to be a love story, it’s clearly set in India, and apparently it’s a Charlie Kaufman behind-the-scenes spoof of Slumdog Millionaire. But then I was like, UHHHH, all movie trailers should just be close ups of Frieda Pinto smiling and laughing and dancing, what am I even TALKING ABOUT?! This is the best movie trailer I’ve ever seen.

Texas Killing Fields

This looks good. I hope it’s good. The end? I mean, what? Yes. Looks good. Spooky true crime thriller. Sam Worthington. Chloe Moretz. Children in distress. Texas football. Gas stations. Got it. On board. See you soon.

Underworld: Awakening

Oh cool. Very exciting to see that Lara Croft has a new adventure! Wait, no, not Lara Croft. Sorry. Alice. Alice from Resident Evil? Argh! Wrong again! It is weird that Underworld is still a thing. Who is making Underworld keep being a thing? It has to be a fair amount of people! For me this just feels like one of those things that parents of teenage children say, where they are like “you blink your eyes and all of a sudden they’re all grown up.” You blink your eyes and suddenly there have been 10 Underworld movies. And much like teenagers, I have no idea what is going on with them and they strike me as juvenile and lazy.

Trespass

“GET OFF MY WIG!”
“GIVE ME BACK MY WIG!”

Those are two quotes from this movie!

Puncture

Chris Evans completely baffles me now. Are there two of him? Because the dude in this movie is NOT the dude in Captain America. And I don’t mean because he is such a good actor that he just disappears into his roles. This IS the same dude from Fantastic Four and also the upcoming Ana Farris movie What’s Your Number. Same dude. But the dude in Captain America? COMPLETELY DIFFERENT DUDE! Super weird. Kind of hate it.

The Woman In Black

This is Daniel Radcliffe’s first movie since the Harry Potter franchise and it looks genuinely spooky! I really don’t like horror movies for the most part, but I do kind of like gothic, olde-timey horror movies. They are still scary but they tend to be less gory and I don’t know, maybe I just enjoy that there’s an extra degree of distance since I don’t actually wear tailcoats and monocles or whatever. OR DO I?! (I don’t.)

Hysteria

Uhhh, ladies? Ladies, do you want this? Because it’s totally cool if you want this but do you want this? Really? A period dramedy about the invention of the vibrator? THE ULTIMATE CHICK FLICK! This whole thing just reminds me of The Road to Wellville and we all know how that turned out.

Faces in the Crowd

Ugh. Face-blindness is an actual thing. The famous neuroscientist Oliver Sacks has it, actually. You can listen to a really great and interesting RadioLab episode about it here. (And then listen to all the other episodes of RadioLab because that show is so good!) But I am pretty sure you don’t get it from getting your hand cut open by a razor blade and then being dunked in the water. Lame. SCIENCE FAIL!

Page Eight Teaser

Yes. Yup. Yes. Next trailer!

Machine Gun Preacher

Oh God damn it all. Look, I’m sure this might be a very good movie as far as movies go. It looks well made. The story seems emotionally compelling, or whatever, and who doesn’t like a tale of uplift and heroism against all odds. And at least this one is based on a true story. But how many movies do we need about BRAVE WHITE PEOPLE doing everything they can to SAVE THE BLACK PEOPLE? Sorry, white people, but you (and I am including myself in that you) are almost categorically in the wrong about this stuff always and you have a long history of pretty FUCKED UP STUFF, so maybe just do your best to get through the day without making it worse, you self-congratulatory pieces of shit.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

9/10ths of the way through this trailer I was thinking that they were very lucky to have Idris Elba in this movie because that was really the only thing redeeming it and then I saw that part about peeing on fire and fuck it, even Idris Elba cannot save you now. (Then again, studios always release their best superhero movies in February so this will probably be great just kidding.)

Carnage

Roman Polanski, much like Woody Allen, is doomed to forever raise the age-old discussion of whether you can separate the artist’s work from the artist’s life when the artist has done some bad things with that life. In truth, of course you can! It’s easy. Just enjoy the art for what it is, and you genuinely do not need to feel any conflict or guilt or remorse or confusion over that. Seriously. It’s not a problem. That being said, Roman Polanski did drug and sodomize a 13-year-old girl. So, you know, there’s also that.

Comments (38)
  1. “I just want my wig back!” – Tom Jane in Trespass

  2. Ghost Rider did not feel like a real movie when I saw it, like it looked like something the kids in Super 8 would make

  3. If anyone needs me, I am travelling back in time to right after Kate Beckinsale made Cold Comfort Farm to give her some advice.

    • I know you love your husband, but he is not the only director in town. Also you should be with your ex more, Michael Sheen is the best, gangway for foot cycle

      • Right? I love my wife, but I’m not going to star in her “updated version of Little Mermaid only instead of a mermaid losing her voice, a centaur loses his horse cock”.

  4. Ok, so I want to see The Woman in Black, but OMG it is going to be the scariest thing ever (for me). From the trailer I know there will be: creepy monkey robots, moving clown dolls, and spooky children. The only way this could be more tailor made to terrify me is if there was a wendigo with a speculum. Where is DIMN, I have a nightmare to report.

  5. I feel like Underworld is that go to movie franchise when Hollywood has run out of ideas. “Shit, are there any movies we have lined up? No? Anything we can make a sequel for BESIDES Underworld? No? Alright then…” – Hollywood.

  6. Hey, wasn’t Carnage a play? And it won a bunch of Tony awards? Maybe?
    Also about Hysteria, more like HILARISteria! Or something like that…

  7. “Fuck it, even Idris Elba cannot save you now” also kind of sums up Avon in season 3 of The Wire. No spoilero.

  8. I got to see Puncture at Tribeca this spring. It was incredibly okay.

  9. I feel at any moment of any day of any year, 2 Nicholas Cage movies are being made.

  10. As a feminist I have to take offense and/or umbrage with videogum’s misogynistical policy of treating the Frieda Pinto actress as nothing more than a sex object of the male gaze. Pretty offensive.

  11. Trishna – Finally, a ‘Bride & Prejudice’ for my generation!

    Texas Killing Fields – For some reason the title seems clunky. Why not just call it ‘The Killing Fields’? Seems simpler. I like how they’re leaving the plot point of Sam Worthington going to space out of the trailer so we can be surprised.

    Underworld: Awakening – Are we supposed to know what ‘WHERE’S MICHAEL?!’ means? Do you have to watch all of the films to get that nugget? ‘Cause I’m not doing that.

    Trespass – I just assumed this was actually a trailer for ‘Spy Kids: All the Burger5 in the World’ during the first 15 seconds. Does the phrase ‘From the director of Phone Booth’ mean anything at all to a single person in this world? YELLING! Shut up, trailer.

    Puncture – ‘Not your normal lawyer.’ Ugh, nope, sorry. ‘Bad Lawyer’, I’m sure. Moving on.

    The Woman in Black – Accio a scare a minute!

    Hysteria – Is this SFW? If this is NSFW then I can’t watch it. Is it S4W?

    Faces in the Crowd – Say the word ‘face’ or ‘faces’ MORE, ‘Faces in the Crowd’ trailer. Don’t worry, Milla will still be acting up a storm while you figure out how to say those words more often.

    Page Eight – Hey, more Harry Potter alumni! You guys were in the Harry Potter movies! I have no idea what this is about. #Teaser

    Machine Gun Preacher – Awful title. Dreadful. ‘You get off your butt and you build it again.’ Okay thanks honey, yes, I’ll do that, meanwhile be sure to pick up eggs and yogurt.

    GR: Spirit of Vengeance – He’s baaack! Or something. Can’t wait for ‘Elektra 2′.

    Carnage – Based on the play ‘God of Carnage’ but apparently that title was too ambiguous. Ambiguity, yuck! Make it more like ‘Machine Gun Preacher’. ‘Angry Parents’. Perfect!

    • Three negative votes over the course of what, five days? Cool, those three people are neat. Throw a BBQ with your sweet pals and talk about that, you 3 Musketeers of the Internet.

  12. In the the static image that’s displayed before you actually play the clip for Trespass, I seriously could not tell if the dude in the close-up was Nic Cage or Harrison Ford. Then I played the clip and it’s apparently Nic Cage playing the stereotypical Harrison Ford role? So that’s weird.

  13. I saw the play The Woman in Black in London in 2007 (ladies?) and it was so GREAT! Really good and really scary.

    But a lot of its charm, I think, consisted of its being done entirely by only two actors and a trunk full of props. (Well, there was also the titular Woman, who was mostly behind a scrim and visible only during the relevant scary portions.)

    I also have a story about a very badly thought out Woman in Black-related prank that failed miserably. What can I say, we were 17.

    ANYWAY: I wanna see that! And other things, probably.

    • At the risk of sounding like…something, and I also don’t know what a scrim is, but can a play really be scary?

      • Yes! And if you don’t believe me and also have $82 to spare I really want to go see Sleep No More right here in New York City so let’s go and you’ll see!

        But, so, the Woman is basically behind this curtain you can only see through when the light goes on back there, and there are a couple silly jump-scares if I’m remembering correctly but mostly there’s this major tension, this building sense of foreboding that heightens with the aid of sound effects and talented actors, and then all of a sudden the light goes on and seated in a rocking chair, clad all in black, her manner staid, her face inscrutable, the Woman in Black begins slooowly to move. AH. It was so good.

    • It looks scary, but then it’s produced by CBS Films, which makes me think it’s going to end with a freeze frame of Jessica Fletcher laughing.

  14. When did Gerard Butler start looking like Eugene Mirman?

  15. Woah Page Eight trailer, where do you get off making me turn off my Adblock to watch you?
    Also, that is quite a lot of Best Buy ads, videogum.

  16. I think I saw Trespass when it was called Funny Games.

  17. did no one notice that the same directors of crank 2 are directing ghost rider. if that movie keeps a spastic seizure level of energy like crank did then i can satisfactorily walk out of the theater feeling like ive been punched in the face.

  18. Haha Joel Schumacher. Where has he been? Hibernating with Jan De Bont?

  19. I love Idris Elba and I loved that shot of his character flying past the guardrails with his shadow being cast on the bricks of the embankment.

    I infamously forced my friend to go see the first Ghost Rider with me because I had two free movie passes and it was going to be terrible, but the true casualties of that endeavor was the time wasted watching a film by Mark Steven Johnson.

    I also infamously (to myself) netflixed and watched Crank and Crank 2: High Voltage back to back, inspired by Videogum’s Double Dog series of articles, particularly the one where Lindsay (RIP) did a SAW marathon of the first four films. http://videogum.com/8700/double_dog_saw_marathon_makes/double-dog/
    So what I’m getting at is I’ve seen the GR2 directors’ previous work— I’ve seen Crank 2: High Voltage, which, if I may pimp a podcast yet again, was HILARIOUSLY discussed on an episode of Paul Scheer’s How Did This Get Made?

    So with all that put out there, there might be enough in Spirit of Vengeance for me to enjoy, but the only thing I know I’ll enjoy for a fact is Idris and that shot of his character falling over those guard rails.

  20. First of all, Hysteria – I will rent/netflix the SHIT out of that. Seriously. Twice maybe, who’s to tell?

    Second of all, as a non-regular commenter and regular reader, I’m disappointed that no one has made a gif where Mila Jonavich cannot recognize FaceTaco.

  21. Lets make a movie were some dude saves Africa….WITH EXPLOSIONS!!!!
    Lets make a movie about the invention of the vibrator. We can have this scene where this woman will sing like a Prima Dona when they stick a vibrator in her twat.
    Lets make a movie about Ghost Rider…where he does not rider a chopper.
    Lets make….Page 8?
    What if a girl saw a murderer in action…and then all of the people looked the same? Also he has her cellphone and he calls her because? Also for some reason she is not safe in crowdy places? Also the only thing worst than Milla Jovovich movies is Angelina Jolie movies and Hitler.

    Its about time to ask. Where do filmmakers get their ideas from?

    I am just going to patiently wait untill “If we don’t beat those stuck-up werewolves in the Midnight Regatta, they’ll close down Camp Friendly Fangs forever!” is a real thing.

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