Lauren Conrad (LC to us fans) is, of course, the former star of MTV’s Laguna Beach and The Hills. Who could forget those wonderful adventures? Now she is one of America’s most beloved, Pulitzer-prize winning authors, responsible for such literary classics as LA Candy and The Cocaine Blues*. She’s also a GODDAMNED LIAR. The Forbes website this week has a personal essay (or whatever you might want to call this hunk of junk) from Lauren Conrad explaining how and why she got into book writin’. She describes her writing process thusly:

I always start my books by mapping out a detailed outline. This helps flesh out the story I want to tell—plot, characters and everything in between. Once the overarching story of the series is summarized, I break it down and do another outline for each book, focusing on each main character’s narrative arc. After I share the outline with my editor and get feedback, I begin writing—my favorite part of the process. I prefer to do my writing late at night when my cellphone isn’t ringing, my roommates are asleep and all is quiet.

This is so trite and corny and cliche that it actually has a ring of truth to it. Lauren Conrad didn’t write her books, much less write this, but whoever wrote this definitely captured her shitty spirit and dim tone. It is also chock full of LIES. For one thing, Lauren Conrad is a MULTI-MILLIONAIRE NOW. I’m sure she doesn’t have to WAIT FOR HER ROOMMATES TO BE ASLEEP to get any peace of mind. (I am also sure that her mind is constantly and forever peaceful. Still waters run so fucking still.) (It’s also worth noting that this was published in FORBES. It’s one thing if it’s orange letters printed on a yellow background in the back pages of Tiger Beat, but for goodness sake, Lauren Conrad’s ghost writer, show some respect for your audience!) But the roommate thing is a white lie. We all have appearances to maintain! No, there is one much more blatant and egregious lie that lets you know that Lauren Conrad didn’t write this paragraph, didn’t write her book, and is a big goddamned liar:

NO WRITER’S FAVORITE PART OF THE PROCESS IS THE ACTUAL WRITING. Writing is the worst! Even if you enjoy it, you don’t actually enjoy it. You might enjoy the result of it. It’s nice to have a tidy little story, or essay, or novel, or whatever. A thing. Now you have a little baby and you can squeeze it so tight. But no one wants to push that actual baby out of their brain-vagina. It’s painful and annoying and there’s lots of sweating and swearing at your loved ones. It’s just miserable, and anyone who has actually written a book for real and not just licensed their name to a book written by someone else would know this.

Naturally, Lauren Conrad does not. Because Lauren Conrad has never written anything in her whole life. That stupid liar.

*The Cocaine Blues may or may not actually be the name of a Lauren Conrad book. No way to know for sure. 
Comments (54)
  1. Do you think when she writes, she uses the Crayola Jumbo crayons or has she moved onto the regular crayons for ages 3 and up?

    • Give her some credit, she’s WAY past that; in fact, she just graduated to that paper with a dashed line that lets you know how tall to write your lowercase letters. Progress! Next goal: cursive.

    • She stays awake during nap time to write so the other classmates don’t bother her. She never skips recess though.

    • There was a Family Guy episode about her.

      Basically any insult you guys make about her in these comments is going to pale astronomically in comparison to that.

    • She probably uses her Chanel lipstick and writes on one of the 1,000 mirrors in her home.

      • With that many mirrors, we can at least be sure she will not be involved in the upcoming reality documentary, Twlight: Breaking Dawn . Those are not fiction, right? Asking for a fr– No. Asking for me, okay? They just seem so real to me.

  2. Well to be fair, her ghostwriters are probably a bit too young to know what kind of audience to expect when they’re writing for Forbes.

    • Ghost Writer quiz! Which one of these cast members was in my political science classes in college (Jeallousssss?) and now has a very successful voiceover career and – worlds colliding – did all the voiceover work for promos for The Hills? Coincidence? Probably not.
      Bonus fact: This person is also the voice of Swiffer commercials. True story.

      • I’m not even going to guess because no matter who it was I’m already totes jealous, cast member from Ghost Writer was enough but the Swiffer lady as well?!?

  3. She’s such a stupid Liar. When she broke up with (Got Dumped By) Jay Cutler, she went around telling everyone he faked his injuries from the NFC Championship game! GUH!! Salacious Tramp. Such a dirty damned liar.

  4. I don’t know about you, but my favorite part of writing is when I reread what I spent two weeks working on, realize it is crap and that I am a talentless hack with nothing of interest to say, and break into tears while throwing the draft across the room in a fit of pique. And that is just the process for internet comments! You don’t even want to know how my other attempts at writing end*!

    *well, basically more tears, but this time with the addition of liberal amounts of whisky and phone calls to mothertables.

    • I wish I could make it two weeks. For the short time that I actually had an editor and assignments, I was able to pull my shit together long enough to scratch something out . When left to my own devices, any attempts to write ANYTHING result in several hours of ignoring everything else to commit my words to (electronic) paper, followed by waking up the next morning, re-reading it, deciding it is TERRIBLE, and trashing the whole thing. This happens about once a week.

      • Lilbobby & face, I would read your terrible, failed crap any day of the week. I am sure it is not that bad! Chin up! Less throwing of drafts in piques! Half the tears!

    • My favorite part is when I cash the check.

    • I used to feel the same way, but then I collected everything I wrote into one volume and called “A Typewriter for Stephen: Stories by Mentally Challenged Children” and now I have this much money:

  5. I was always under the impression that the best part of writing is to see what internet commenters have to say about it

  6. That picture of Lauren Conrad is so photoshopped it looks like an artist’s rendering of what she might look like if she were a fictional character.

  7. Lauren Conrad > Nicholas Sparks. At least she is just a liar and doesn’t feel the need to say this about Cormac McCarthy:

    Cormac McCarthy? “Horrible,” he says, looking at Blood Meridian. “This is probably the most pulpy, overwrought, melodramatic cowboy vs. Indians story ever written.”

    Nicholas Sparks is still the worst. Can you tell I’m still bitter?

    • Maybe Nicholas Sparks, author of “the Notebook” and “Nights in Rodanthe”, has a really dry sense of humor and he was taking the piss out of himself by calling the work of one of America’s greatest authors “pulpy, overwrought and melodromatic”.

      Or maybe Nicholas Sparks can go get fucked.

    • Is this a real thing that happened? Excuse me, I need to go “take care” of some(one)thing.

    • Woah, woah. WHAT? This acutally…um – WHAT? Nicholas Sparks has no business commenting on Cormac McCarthy. And he used the word overwrought? Granted, I did not read ‘The Notebook’ (I think my English Lit degree would be revoked if I did so) but from the movie trailers, that story looked to be the definition of overwrought. OMG.

      I can’t even fathom this – who the hell asked the question? Who was the numbskull to ask Nicholas Sparks to comment on CORMAC MCCARTHY? What’s next, his opinion on “As I Lay Dying” or “City of Glass”? I’m sure his anthology of great American Literature would just astound all of us.

      My grocery lists are more compelling than Nicholas Sparks’ books.

  8. Another questionable part of the quote: she outlines her work to flesh out her material? What? Isnt an outline like you know supposed to simply OUTLINE?

  9. Ok, so this is not pertinent to the post, but is anyone else getting a little worried about Miracle Whip?

  10. FAKE! She lost me at “overarching.”

  11. Brain-vagina . . . this is EXACTLY what writing is like. Nice work, Gabe. Your brain-vagina is in top form.

  12. She writes her own tweets, that is about it. And even then, I’d bet there is a PR firm involved. When I write, the best part for me, I think, is that magical moment that the idea comes to me…when I can “see” it in my mind. And then, I realize that I have to write it down, make it coherent and as amazing on paper as it is in my brain. It’s not the favorite part, it’s the necessary part.

  13. The Original Lost Generation had Hemingway and Fitzgerald. The New Lost Generation has LC and Snooki. Hopefully, our literary luminaries will drink themselves to death/shoot themselves in the face(s), too, but, like, right now!

  14. This reminds me of that period of time last year I read The Secret Miracle: The Novelist’s Handbook, which is a compilation of semi-popular writers talking about their ~process. Parts of it were full of canned responses and self-indulgent bullshit like this. “Writing’s the FUN part/who the hell DOESN’T write in chronological order? Only assholes probably/lol the only thing better than writing is tedious research I am addicted to tedious research lol lol I am awesome.” – Verbatim Quote from Everyone in the Book

  15. I am writing my dissertation at the moment, and let me tell you, my brain-vagina could do with a brain-epidural right now.

  16. sounds like she cribbed that how to write paragraph from Stupidpedia. Lets go get our brains tattooed.

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