Lauren Conrad (LC to us fans) is, of course, the former star of MTV’s Laguna Beach and The Hills. Who could forget those wonderful adventures? Now she is one of America’s most beloved, Pulitzer-prize winning authors, responsible for such literary classics as LA Candy and The Cocaine Blues*. She’s also a GODDAMNED LIAR. The Forbes website this week has a personal essay (or whatever you might want to call this hunk of junk) from Lauren Conrad explaining how and why she got into book writin’. She describes her writing process thusly:
I always start my books by mapping out a detailed outline. This helps flesh out the story I want to tell—plot, characters and everything in between. Once the overarching story of the series is summarized, I break it down and do another outline for each book, focusing on each main character’s narrative arc. After I share the outline with my editor and get feedback, I begin writing—my favorite part of the process. I prefer to do my writing late at night when my cellphone isn’t ringing, my roommates are asleep and all is quiet.
This is so trite and corny and cliche that it actually has a ring of truth to it. Lauren Conrad didn’t write her books, much less write this, but whoever wrote this definitely captured her shitty spirit and dim tone. It is also chock full of LIES. For one thing, Lauren Conrad is a MULTI-MILLIONAIRE NOW. I’m sure she doesn’t have to WAIT FOR HER ROOMMATES TO BE ASLEEP to get any peace of mind. (I am also sure that her mind is constantly and forever peaceful. Still waters run so fucking still.) (It’s also worth noting that this was published in FORBES. It’s one thing if it’s orange letters printed on a yellow background in the back pages of Tiger Beat, but for goodness sake, Lauren Conrad’s ghost writer, show some respect for your audience!) But the roommate thing is a white lie. We all have appearances to maintain! No, there is one much more blatant and egregious lie that lets you know that Lauren Conrad didn’t write this paragraph, didn’t write her book, and is a big goddamned liar:
NO WRITER’S FAVORITE PART OF THE PROCESS IS THE ACTUAL WRITING. Writing is the worst! Even if you enjoy it, you don’t actually enjoy it. You might enjoy the result of it. It’s nice to have a tidy little story, or essay, or novel, or whatever. A thing. Now you have a little baby and you can squeeze it so tight. But no one wants to push that actual baby out of their brain-vagina. It’s painful and annoying and there’s lots of sweating and swearing at your loved ones. It’s just miserable, and anyone who has actually written a book for real and not just licensed their name to a book written by someone else would know this.
Naturally, Lauren Conrad does not. Because Lauren Conrad has never written anything in her whole life. That stupid liar.