Some of us, sitting at our computers in our rooms with not enough artificial light, listening to the rainwater drip from the roof onto our window unit air conditioners, may look at a video of a turtle getting stuck under a barbecue and then walking it around the yard as a reminder of time’s slow crawl towards winter and eventual death. Those of us may also wonder, Why does almost everything remind us of time’s slow crawl towards winter and eventual death? Some others of us may see the video as a poor turtle being forced to drag around a barbecue because the humans who seem to own it as a pet want to upload the video to the internet rather than take the barbecue off of its turtle shell. But maybe all of these people need to relax and take a look at this video through the eyes of those of us who will look at it and see it as a turtle who really just wants to have a barbecue with his turtle friends, and thinks that he is being very sneaky and will definitely be successful in his mission of stealing this particular barbecue, and he is already celebrating in his head because he is going to be the most popular turtle in turtle town and he can taste the turtle burgers already.

“What do you want on your turtle burger,” he’s imagining saying to the turtle love of his life. “Oh, you know, the usual,” she’ll say. “Cool,” he’ll say, because he knows her very well and he knows that the usual means that she wants extra leaves and extra ketchup. “Do you ever think about how it’s weird that we call them turtle burgers?” she’ll ask to no one in particular. “Hm,” he’ll say, absentmindedly, not because he is bored with her but because that’s how comfortable they feel around each other. He doesn’t even need to pretend to be interested in her comment about why the call them turtle burgers, since it’s obvious because hello they’re turtles. “WHO’S GOT THE TUUURRTLLE BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER?” The noise breaks through their previously mellow Saturday. Oh no. Turtle Dave from college and now mostly just Turtlebook is here! Who invited Turtle Dave?! (Via reddit.)

Comments (15)
  1. I know someone who cut down on his Turtle Burgers

  2. I wish he would turn around and use the wheels to his advantage.

  3. They call them turtle burgers because they’re cannibals. Don’t tell Turtle Dave.

  4. Making such a huge fool of myself at work right now because I literally cannot stop laughing.

  5. Talk about Turtle Trauma! What if that barbecue landed on his head?!

  6. Winter……is……..coming.

  7. “Painfully Slow Turtle Barbecue Theft” sounds like the premise of an Entourage episode.

  8. I had to fast-forward to learn if the tortoise was okay. It was at that point I realized the grill was never on and this could be funny. Otherwise I’d want those peoples’ heads on a stick.

    All of this being said, when I was a kid, we found my dog sitting in the corner of a room with a giant 24-pack of soda box on his head. He had been trying to shake it off but the last remaining can was hitting him in the head so his usual means of escape were thwarted. Saddest, funniest thing ever. That dog lived to be almost 15 and was (is) so very, very loved. I can only hope the same for this tortoise and its possibly not jerkface parents.

    Kelly, you should ask to spend some snuggle time with Birdie. Because that cold hand feels less scary when it’s interrupted by a cold nose lifting your hand from the keyboard and demanding a few kisses or a walk or… oh crap, my guy just heard me type walk.

  9. this guy looks familiar…

  10. i like turtles.

    (note: i was going to try and upload a picture of that kid, but don’t know how to do that and am too lazy to look it up. anyways, old web video call back!)

  11. Stop him! He’s getting away!

  12. I bet the turtle thinks of it as a second story.

  13. Awww. The thing I always remember about tortoises is that will OUTLIVE US ALL!

    I hope Lonesome George will be invited

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