When we last left our pals, Vinzo and Torta just witnessed a murder. They break into the W.C. of the sad man: KABAM! He dead. Vinzo and Torta turn to each other, Mr. E is still on the phone you hear him in the background “Squeak squeak ‘allo?” This can’t be good. It’s going to be a media Picnic Day! I am not sure why I am writing this recap as if it was printed in an Air Italia in-flight magazine and then fed through Google Translate. Maybe it’s because getting some distance from this thing is the only way to survive. ANYWAY: It’s a real madhouse. A celebrity at the scene of a self-murder? Que Scandalo! (That does not mean anything in any language.) Anyway, everyone is there: Vinzo, Turpo, Ed, Dramba, Scott Caan, and Artie.

Well, first, actually, Artie was in the mansion having sex and Blackberry pissing contests with Dana. They both turned their phones off for two hours and now they have all of the messages and Barack Obama says they’re fired.

Guys, can you imagine what it must be like to get so many emails and phonecalls that you can’t even turn your phone off for two hours to have sex with your ex-girlfriend who runs a movie studio while you’re going through a trial separation from your wife? So many emails! Oh wait, hold on: casually dropped Taylor Lautner reference. And now back to the show. Ari has to go meet The Boyz at Police Town. There are already Vinnie Chase superfans hanging out front of the police station holding homemade signs. Wait a second. No there aren’t. I know that the life of a super-celebrity is a rare, magical garden to which none of us has the key, but people do not have time to leave work, go home and make signs, and then grab a prime spot outside of the police station in the half hour between the suicide and Vince going to the station. Hanging outside of a court room? Maybe. Cheering Vince on when he leaves rehab? Sure. But this is nonsense. Even for this show that is 100% nonsense.

Turtle won’t stop talking about how he saw the dead man’s brains. Yikes. Seeing a dead body, much less a dead body that has suffered a violent death a few feet away from you, is a genuinely traumatizing event and can often take years for someone to process and come to terms with. Luckily, it only takes Entourage zero seconds to turn it into a throwaway joke. First, Scott Caan asks him what they look like, but in the way that Scott Caan might ask you what your mother’s tits look like. Then Drama talks about what they used to make fake brains on the set of some bullshit TV show he was fake on in the make-believe 1980s. Turtle is really struggling here, guys. A little while later: “I saw brains,” Turtle says for the ninth time. “I’m assuming they weren’t Drama’s?” DING DONG. A MAN IS FUCKING DEAD, YOU WALKING SACKS OF SHIT.

Vinnie goes to answer the police questions and when he comes out, his face is looking very worried. E drives him through the hills for some reason. Aren’t they living at the Roosevelt? Why is E driving him through the hills? Anyway, Vince tells him to pull over and NOT to lecture him because what he needs right now is a FRIEND not a VISITING PROFESSOR. It turns out that because there were drugs in the dead man’s house, Vince is going to have to take a drug test to satisfy his parole officer, and the problem is that Vince smoked a joint a couple of weeks ago. Sure. Except here is where it gets REAL Entouragey: “I don’t think I’m an addict and I wanted to prove to myself that I’m not an addict,” Vince says. “You guys didn’t even know I did it and I haven’t thought about it since.” Wait a second. Uh. Wait. PLEASE HOLD. Drug addiction is a very serious issue that people struggle with for their entire lives, and the introduction of drug addiction into Vince’s storyline, while lazily done and kind of super-bullshit (he is a world famous movie star for 10 years before he finds out what cocaine is?) at the very least it is probably the most interesting and human thing that has ever happened to his stupid character. it’s the first time that real stakes have been presented into his life. And now they are gone. Because based on this scene, we are now supposed to believe that Vincent Chase is not and never was a drug addict because he said so in the car that one time. Cool. This is so clearly laying the groundwork for some AWESOME HOUSE PARTIES. Neat. The people who I think are the least offended and most interested in this plot development are actual drug addicts.

Don’t even sweat the drug test anyway, Vince, because Drama just bought 300 bottles of white vinegar.

Yuck. Everyone is going to just drink a full bottle every hour for the next 100 days and by then there won’t be any more weed in Vince’s system. It is a perfect plan, and I have a feeling Drama’s medical license is going to show up in the mail any day now. The phone rings. It turns out that Vince’s drug test is THAT EVENING. Boy-oy-oing. Ee-oop-ee-oop. Vince goes to Billy’s house and asks him about rubber penises. Haha. Like, right off the bat. “Let’s not fuck around, Billy, this isn’t a social call.” Billy knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who will install a rubber penis filled with pee pee in the next half hour. LET’S GOOOOO!

Oh, meanwhile, Ari goes to couple’s therapy with his wife and she yells at him and he yells at her and they both make really underminey comments about seeing other people and the whole thing is just really toxic and sad and I’m not sure what we’re supposed to take away from it. Like, OK, they hate each other, got it. They are two fictional assholes trapped in a fictional loveless marriage that is about to fictionally go to pieces. That could be something in another world, but here, where everything is surface and you couldn’t drown a child in the emotional depth of this show, it’s just five minutes of needless suffering. But now Ari is ready to start really giving this Dana thing another shot. And by give it another shot I mean invite her on a date to Bobby Flay’s restaurant to make some kind of horrific chauvinistic scene that infuriates everyone, including Bobby Flay and also BOBBY FLAY.

Hi, Bobby Flay. Haha. Good cameo, Bobby Flay.

Dana tells Ari to go fuck himself. Mrs. Ari calls and tells him to go fuck himself. Bobby already told him to go fuck himself back inside. For what it’s worth, I also think Ari should go fuck himself.

Vince starts to have second thoughts about this whole rubber dildo full of pee pee thing. He pulls E into the bathroom and lays it all out for him, but tells him not to be pissed first, so E isn’t pissed but actually he is still pissed, even though Vince told him not to be. The thing is, a failed drug test can be dealt with, but if Vince is caught with a rubber dildo full of pee pee in his pants, then it is curtains, boys. And then the best part of the show happens. “Things always work out for us, Vince. We will get through this and it will work out. I guarantee it,” E says. HOLY MOLY. It is so rare that someone on this show actually just comes right out and gives up the whole game like this. I mean, he has a point. Everything does always work out for them. And NO SPOILERS but they do get through this and it does work out, about ten minutes from now. It’s just weird to hear him say it.

Up on the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel (deep in the Hollywood Mountains, apparently), everyone sits around anxiously awaiting the results of Vince’s drug test. Oh man, I AM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT WONDERING WHEN THE MAGICAL PHONE CALL THAT RESOLVES THIS PLOTLINE COMPLETELY AND BENEFICIALLY TO THE UNTOUCHABLE MAIN CHARACTERS WILL COME THROUGH AND SET THEM BACK ON A TRACK TOWARDS SUCCESS AND $$$$. Oh, here it is. So, yeah, Vince passed his drug test. The end. This part, too, is incredible because everyone is actually saying things like “This is incredible,” and “I can’t believe this worked out so easily,” and “This is so great, it’s almost impossible to even believe that this actually happened,” because right. Vince takes a second to literally map out what the next three successful steps in his endlessly successful career are going to be, just in case we forgot. Then E asks Vince if he took “it” off and Vince gets kind of sheepish and sly and E laughs and is like “You silly bastard,” or whatever. And everyone is like “what are you lovers talking about?” and the episode ends with A GAME OF DILDO HOT POTATO ON THE ROOF OF THE HOTEL I AM NOT JOKING WHAT THIS SHOW THIS POOR SHOW MUST FUCK LIKE DOG SHIT.

What a good show this is!

Comments (20)
  1. “hello?! HELLO?!” – Scott Caan talking to a dildo completely out of context when I turned my TV on at that exact moment and it happened to be set on HBO.

  2. it’s nice to see that the rich and famous have rooftop dildo parties just like the rest of us.

  3. I cannot remember what Bobby Flay sounds or acts like, but my brother constantly does an impression of him as a vaguely menacing thug who mostly says “I’m Bobby Flay,” so that’s what I choose to imagine he was like in this episode and I feel like it fits.

  4. I can think of no better metaphor for Entourage than a dildo filled with pee.

  5. Can they just tell us what Ari’s wife’s name is so we can stop watching this show already?

    That is why we’re all still watching this show, right? OK, phew.

  6. anyone else feel like the absolute contempt for human life shown in the first scene wasn’t really that hard for these guys to muster up? OMG BRAIONZ. ICKY.

  7. One year when I was in college, I went out with my roommate for Halloween and everyone thought he was supposed to be BILLY WALSH (they kept shouting it) from Entourage and kept yelling N. I. E. (I think that’s what they were saying, it was loud). He was really supposed to be “a lumberjack,” which essentially consisted of him wearing a flannel shirt.

    I had never seen Entourage but I looked up some clips the next day and I couldn’t identify a single joke in any of them. I’m still not sure: is it supposed to be funny?

    • I think that’s why we all keep tuning in. Like it’s some sort of contest to see which episode will finally include something that’s ever so slightly funny.

  8. ari’s wife started it by wearing that nipple dress to couple’s therapy too.

    • Haha! I noticed that too, it was so obvious and distracting that I can’t believe they let her sit there like that! It’s all I could look at, and I’m a straight girl!

  9. There have been various scenes throughout the series where they are all worried its not going to work out and Vince turns to E and is like “remember, what do we alway say? It’ll work out. It always does.” and then they high five or something and everything magically gets solved thank you very much. Thanks Gabe for articulating exactly my reaction every time this scene rolls around like it did in this episode.

  10. I like Entourage. I know it’s hugely flawed, mysoginistic and offensive to any intelligent person, but I can’t help it. I’m probably a douchebag.
    I kind of expiate my guilt through Gabe’s reviews. When Scott Caan was talking to that dildo I could relax, knowing that it wouldn’t go unpunished.

    I made this thing here since I’m so emotional:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhG4Ob2SYwY

  11. Honestly, it’s sad how much I looked forward to this show at the beginning, and how atrocious it’s gotten. I’m sure there was no actual depth to the story to begin with, but atleast you could enjoy the companionship, ball busting and friendship of a group guys experiencing the Hollywood lifestyle, with still a reflection on being actual friends.

    But I have to state, how much I now look forward to watching Entourage now, just so I can read this hilarious article every Monday. Gabe, I love your despise for the show, how you come off forced to write about the nonsensical story that shows no actual substance. Seriously, this is excellent. Thank you

  12. I love how they really didn’t even address the death much (aside from Turtle’s mention of the brains). “Hey, this Hollywood dude just blew his brains out, should we discuss that at all? Nah, let’s just focus on what a pickle Vince has now found himself in.”

    • Hey come on, brah, let’s not focus on the bummer that is the past. We’ve got The Future ahead of us. Can’t spend all day thinking about Karl Mundt or whoever that guy was that shot himself, have to go make that movie about miners wearing Airwalks.

  13. Just finished this episode, wow – okay i work with dildoparty’s daily, but this episode, man great stuff!
    I agree that the overall quality of entourage has decreased every single seasons, but still, I can’t get enough and every once in a while the show sort of goes back to basics and deliver class episodes such as this dildoparty episode.

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