A couple weeks ago I went to the movies. The theater wasn’t that crowded and I was sitting by myself. Right before the trailers started, a 12-year-old boy sat down right next to me. Uhhhhhh. It was weird! He just plopped right down and started opening up his gummy worms or whatever. I will remind you that, like I said, the theater was not that crowded. Regardless of other rows in the theater, there were plenty of other seats in my row that were not seats right next to my seat. But here he was. It made me really uncomfortable. But then I had one of those weird New York things when you are pressed up against so many people all the time where you start to wonder if you’re being the weird one by wanting a little extra personal space? Well, I’m not sure if that’s an actual New York thing but it’s my New York thing. “Uh oh,” I will think, “I don’t want them to think I’m rude by moving away from them.” As if anyone gives a crap. Anyway, I moved down two seats. It was fine. Although how come I had to move? Shouldn’t that little boy have moved? The point is: I like this better. Stretch your arms out, guys. No little boys allowed. Here we go:

The Odd Life of Timothy Green

HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh man. I want to go see this movie so bad just so I can yell shit at the screen. Look, that’s a rude thing to do. Don’t ever do it. I’m serious. Movies are really expensive and you might think you are being hilarious but if you are ruining even one other person’s experience who is maybe enjoying the movie then it’s not worth it. So I would only want to see this in a completely empty theater, which, let’s be honest, PROBABLY NOT IMPOSSIBLE. I just want to yell at this movie for the pure joy of the yelling. “LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!”

We Need to Talk About Kevin

Eek! Yes! Lynn Ramsey makes good movies. This looks so creepy! It is also very smart to put a shot at the end of your trailer of a woman walking through jail but not give any suggestion of what the crime might be. I’m serious. That is so smart. Movie Trailer 101 Class, my name is Professor We Need To Talk About Kevin.

A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas

This movie looks like it is going to be absolutely perfect for its audience. Congratulations to everyone involved on both sides of the screen. Congratulations to the people who made it for doing it exactly right to suit their purposes, and congratulations to the audience who is going to appreciate the effort. Not for me. Not a problem. There are other movie fish in the sea. Enjoy it!

Coriolanus

Whoa, rousing AND primal? OK! This movie trailer is very confusing. It is about a knife fight in the balkans? Is Gerard Butler still stuck in that videogame from that movie two years ago with the guy from Dexter? Honestly, I have no idea what is going on, and I do think that it would be very frustrating if you were in the blood-spattered, smoky-thick of war with all of the stress and fear and fighting and you had to wait because your boss wanted to settle a vendetta in a factory, but also this movie looks great and I am going to see it. So there’s that.

Tanner Hall

Excuse me, but do girls really go roller skating in their underwear down bowling alley lanes, like, constantly? And if so, could you please tell me: WHERE ARE THESE BOWLING ALLEY LANES? This looks fine. Again, not really my cuppa, but it does seem like being a young woman is so complicated that every five years or so we need another Girl, Interrupted, or whatever. That sounds dismissive but it’s not intended to be. I genuinely believe that being a young woman IS that complicated and these movies probably help a lot just as some kind of light in the dark, thorny forest of youth and inexperience. Then, as you become an actual woman, they stand out as relatable, well-known and nostalgic guideposts on the journey of life. Or whatever. I don’t know. Girl talk.

Fine. But the line “Do you know how hard it is for me to distance myself from me” is basically the worst line. And I also do not like it when someone says something in a movie trailer, like a snappy snap snappity snap, and then you hear someone laughing, but the snap was said at a dinner table, and the laugh is a barista in a coffee shop. Don’t worry, trailer, we heard the snap, you don’t have to have your own decontextualized laugh track. It’s dumb!

Comments (45)
  1. So glad Obama was able to give Kal Penn time off from his POSITION AT THE WHITE HOUSE to make a new Harold and Kumar movie. Cool. Cool white house staff member. Cool priorities.

  2. Patton Oswalt and Thomas Lennon are in Harold and Kumar 3, and should be in every movie right?

  3. We Need to Talk About Kevin — I can only assume this is Home Alone 5?

  4. “he’s mine or i am his” is like, seriously hate-fucky.

  5. I’ve said this many times, MANY times: John Cho is freakin’ adorable. Neil Patrick Harris, also adorable. Harold and Kumar movies:… I’m having trouble coming up with an appropriate word that is the complete opposite of adorable. Vomit-generating?

    • I found the first one surprisingly entertaining, especially considering I don’t do drugs and find stoner culture incredibly annoying. It was funny and had hardly any really lazy predicable stoner jokes. I had no interest in seeing the second one, though, nor the third.

    • I liked the first one. I mean, it’s not like it’s an artistic masterpiece or anything, but it had a fun energy and enough absurdity to make it a good choice for hangover movie time. The second one was atrocious. That’s the word you wanted. Atrocious.

  6. The Odd Life of Timothy Green – So they bury the box of desirable attributes? So it’s kind of like they’re burying a kid they never had in the first place? Ugh, whatever, this looks dreadful. I hate movies in which the protagonist is vaguely magical and can do no wrong. And stop cutting to the kid in his crucifixion pose! You think it means something but I can assure you it does not!

    We Need To Talk About Kevin – So yes, I agree with Gabe’s summation in that this looks like it could be very good. Though I’ll admit to being a dummy and thinking the French subtitles were a gimmick that would actually be used in the film, some quirky nonsense like the puppet cat paws in that trailer for ‘The Future’. But then I was all ‘Oh okay, clearly this trailer is shown to French audiences, duh.’ That kid is super creepy! When he’s older he gets super hot and yet still just as super creepy.

    AVH&K3DXMAS – Mmm … no thank you.

    I’m at work right now so I feel kind of (but not really) bad for watching trailers at my desk, so that has to be it for now. But I will watch the others I promise you guys!

    • What I don’t understand (about the trailer, I won’t ever see the movie so “who cares!” – everyone) is why a kid would go see this disney movie. It’s a disney movie! Did you know that?!

      Take “The Wizard” – Every human child at one point has dreamed of being both autistic and the best video game player in the world.

      No human child has ever wished to wake up in a coffin and then live a life with no free will whatsoever.

  7. Re Coriolanus, anyone see the updated Richard III from maybe 1995 wit Ian McKellen and Robert Downey Jr? Badass!

  8. Can we all agree that “The Odd Life of Timothy Green” was likely originally titled “Wish Kid” until they found out about the cartoon?

  9. How is Ben Kingsley NOT in Coriolanus? How?

    • I spent half the trailer trying to decide if that was Ralph Fiennes or Ben Kingsley. It’s Ralph! No it’s Ben! Nope, Ralph! Ohh, Voldemort…definitely Ralph.

    • He’s probably is wearing a Mission Impossible 2 mask somewhere in there.

      Mission Impossible 2 masks need to come back. Yes, the technology is frighteningly advanced and cuases audience heads to explode, but what a thrill! A very believable thrill! Super spies always use the most up to date Mrs. Doubtfire technology, pay attention Mr. Bond!

  10. I accidentally read We Need To Talk About Kevin when it first came out (ladies) (it was on the ‘new releases’ shelf at the library and I thought the title was Interesting)… It was really good! It goes out of it’s way to remove all the easy scapegoats for the Columbine type incidents, which is refreshing.

    However, seeing the movie kind of sounds like the worst thing? The book was very well written but also exhausting and it I think watching it happen rather than just reading about it might be a suicide recipe.

  11. The Father of invention – Why would an inventor of something that broke fingers go to jail? Isn’t that what recalls are for? HE DIDN’T SET OUT OUT TO MAKE A FINGER BREAKER, HE MADE A DEFECTIVE PRODUCT. Whatever, put him in jail for 10 years for DEPRAVED INDIFFERENCE TO HUMAN LIFE. Ugh. We need to have serious look at our justice system in this fake movie universe, it’s really gotten out of control.

    • Yes, that is a super fucking dumb “conceit” for a movie (if you can even call it a conceit, more like extreme laziness on behalf of everyone involved in the making of the movie).

      A grip or PA or whatever, ten seconds before getting fired: “Hey guys, maybe we could sit down for like ten seconds and come up with a vaguely plausible reason for him to have been in prison and/or an invention that is actually convenient or interesting?”

      • Also, a Rock Band microphone doesn’t provide its own feedback, especially when no one is using it. It’s not a hot mic. It’s not even on. (I guess this goes in with Gabe’s movie trailer complaint about the sic burn and then the laughter coming form a barista)

  12. I almost didn’t watch the Tanner Hall trailer but I am very glad I did. A surprised to be there Tom Everett Scott, not as surprised as me! Why aren’t you in more things? Bring back the firefighter show!

    • I just hope they had enough money left to get a good screenwriter afetr blowing half of the budget on those titles. Very cool font, glad you got the best font and colour on the market.

  13. Why are they making “We Need to Talk About Kevin” into “Voldermort, a beginning”. The book did a pretty good job at making me feel like he was a normalish kid. Movies: Treating us like we’re morons since 1911.

    • The book kind of demonizes him too (the breastfeeding stuff, being colicky, pouring liquid plumbr in his sister’s eye, torturing the eczema girl, etc) although it also makes it pretty plain that the mother’s account is somewhat skewed and possibly exaggerated.

      • You guys are talking about the book “We Need to Talk About Kevin” right? I thought you guys were talking about Voldemort. I wonder if Rita Skeeter wrote a book about him after he was killed that everyone bought and gossiped about.

  14. Poor kid. “Just once” he scored the winning goal. Ended up a damn choker the rest of his life because of his dumb parents’ lack of ambition.

  15. Lynne Ramsay’s movie Movern Callar is so great. You should all watch it and/or read the book. In no particular order.

  16. there are few things hotter to me int he world than ralph fiennes in a classic role, doin’ that whole Shakespeare thing. mama like. then… wow, gerard butler, too? nice.

    if i hadn’t flinched every time (about what, 15 times?) i heard the word “ANUS” in that trailer, this movie would have turned out to be total girlporn for me.

    wait, so n/m maybe the anus thing works out then. i dunno. ralph fiennes. mmmmmmmmmmm.

  17. Kevin looks like a good movie, though I heard it got nothing but boos at Cannes and that the imdb synopsis tells you everything you didn’t want to know about the movie *spoilers************************************ He murders a bunch of his classmates, during school hours, Friday the 13th style.

  18. that boy, the one who sat next to you (Gabe, that’s YOU) in the theater holding the bag of gummies in his lap…I bet he had cut a hole in the bottom, and had his penis poking through the bottom. Had you not followed your instinct to move a few seats away, he would have, in all likelihood, offered you some, and we all know what comes next:
    Mother of child, after movie: How was the movie?
    Child: Gabe touched my penis

    Gabe: 10 YEARS IN PRISON. CRYING INTO YOUR HARD PRISON PILLOW. ONLY ONE OUTFIT TO WEAR ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. BUM PUNISHMENT. SHITTY PRISON GRUB. RACIAL MINORITIES OUTNUMBERING WHITE PEOPLE.

    Phew, close one, eh?!

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