Yuck. Corporations may be a lot of things, but one thing they are not is “people.” What an asshole for saying that to actual human beings! During an economic crisis! Oh brother. Maybe, MAYBE, you could get away with that in a stump speech to a pile of fax machines, but even then the fax machines would probably be like “BEEEEEEEP BLOOOOOP FUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUU HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.” Then again, there is nothing more genuinely human than watching beads of panic-sweat pop off of a dying dude’s forehead as an entire crowd of people screams at him and he realizes that he has made a terrible mistake. Poor little guy. Poor little awful, over-tanned, self-satisfied, completely out of touch millionaire piece of shit guy. (Via GotchaMedia.)

Comments (69)
  1. Sometimes if you just say something is something it just might be something. I say you do it – His campaign guy

  2. Come on, be fair. He does at least have a point.

    Oh wait, no he doesn’t. Just an asshole.

      • Yeah–this isn’t totally off. The right to personhood in respect to certain laws and rights is the whole sine qua non of corporations existence. He puts it poorly/terribly/awfully, but corporations are, in fact, sort of, through some lenses, people.

        • The thing is, it’s not the point he was trying to make, if you hear what he says at the end. He was trying to say “Don’t hate corporations! All those zillions that they make in profit, without having to pay equivalent taxes, it’s okay! Because they employ people like you! And you! And, yes Victoria, even you!”
          Which is a genuine belief that a lot of right-wingers have. The reason they cut corporate taxes, let them dump toxic waste without paying for the consequences, subsidize them, etc, is that they believe that corporations as entities are more important to the economy than the ordinary workers who are employed by them. Because people are lazy freeloaders, but corporations are perfectly run responsible things that make life better for everyone.

  3. Corporations are not Pockets!!

  4. Would somebody please explain that to 5/9 of the Supreme Court? Perhaps we could get them a Duh Aficionado subscription.

  5. Someone just failed the Voight-Kampff test.

  6. If you think of corporations as people, doesn’t that mean that corporations should have the same civic responsibilities as individual citizens? If an individual person shouldn’t deserve tax breaks and loopholes and subsidies (even after fucking the collective economy), why should a corporation?

    • Civic responsibility is socialism. And Obama’s request we donate our day off from work in honor of Martin Luther King Jr. to volunteer and help make this country better is just proof he doesn’t understand real ‘Merica.

      It’s also another reason I like him, even if he’s placating to the Right wing.

  7. CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE
    -Charlton Heston’s ghost campaigning for Mitt Romney

    • Oh no, I’ve committed Idea-giarism below.

      * iStabs self in e-stomach with abstract concept of katana sword *

      • I prefer mind meld, it sounds much more positive, working together we did it

        • Ian, you are so forgiving, I am suspicious that you are a spam-bot, programmed only to forgive. If so, kudos to your developer. The pop culture algorithm you use must be state-of-the-art.

  8. WELL HE SURE HAS A LOTTA CHOOT-SPA!

  9. Also someone needs to inform Mitt Romney that the one strand of hair he always has combed over to where his hairline was when he was 25 is not fooling anybody.

  10. Mitt Romney is completely forgetting about Soylent Green, LLC.

  11. Other things that are people:

    Soylent Green
    Long pig

  12. If corporations were people, then Apple would be Tyler Perry.

  13. “Soylent Green is corporations!”

  14. Every time someone says “my friend” all I hear is “please punch me repeatedly.”

  15. If corporations are people then I really fucked up my google+ circles

  16. Sure, Patrick Swayze says, “pain don’t hurt,” and he’s a lovable badass, but this makes Mitt a bad person? It’s just a double standard is all I’m saying. (Paid for by the Counsel of Non-Sequiters for Mitt Romney)

  17. If Soylent Green wasn’t still #2 on my Netflix list I’d get all these jokes!

  18. Wait a second, maybe he’s talking about restricting basic rights to corporations. I mean gays are people too and he signed this: http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20088274-503544.html

  19. So is Duh Aficionado a bi-weekly now? They don’t seem to have a strong grasp on maintaining a schedule over there.

  20. Nice sneak peak of next summer’s hit TV ad! All that’s missing is an ominous black and white video filter and “I’m Barack Obama, and I approve this message” at the end.

  21. I think Mitt Romney might be a socialist! …Hear me out.

    So, a corporation makes a zillion dollars. Many of those dollars go to the POCKETS of its CEO (and a few others at the top. (Important point: that CEO is technically a human being). Mitt Romney believes that when that when those pockets are overflowing, those dollars are going to help make the average non-CEO’s life better. It isn’t going to happen by magic, so it must be that the wealth will be, wait for it, spread around somehow. And that this is a good thing. To the PEOPLE. Mitt Romney is a socialist.

    I rest my case.

  22. I for one welcome our new corporation overlords.

  23. Of course, he didn’t mean what he said. Of course he doesn’t believe corporations are people. In fact he believes corporations are much more important than people.

  24. Merriam Webster needs to redefine the words “people” and “human-beings” to not include walking and talking pieces greedy garbage.

  25. Well… corporations DO have social security numbers, so…. Nope. Still not people.

  26. Whatever happened to angry crowds instantly becoming furious, vengeful mobs? Come on people, light your electric torches, pick up your pitchforks constructed from recyclable materials and chase this fuck up a Goddamn hill already!

  27. I know plenty of real people that appear out of nowhere and give politicians a million dollars and then vanish into nothingness. Totally normal stuff that people do. http://on.msnbc.com/qLkQ0y

    Who’s pockets Mr. Romney? Why surprise, it’s YOUR pockets! Hope you have enough fancy pockets to hold all of the money!

  28. But it’s true! I know because I dated Wal-Mart briefly through Match.com. We shared an interest in NBC programming and playing Words on our Apple iPhones. We also had this thing about making homemade mac and cheese from Kraft products.

  29. Not to be a total nerdlinger about this, but if he had said, “corporations are made up of people” or “corporations consist of people” would we be having this discussion? That is to say, are we more outraged by the flub in phrasing, or by the fact that Mitt Romney does not think stockholders should have to pay more to support certain federal programs?

    • It’s not a slip, he means it. It’s part of the way these right-wing mad men and Tea Party people are raising money. The Supreme Court allowed corporations to donate unlimited and undisclosed amounts of money, reversing what Russ Feingold and John McCain managed to stop in 2003. Lots of links to this above, but here’s the actual info on the Supreme Court decision that let this happen in convenient Wikipedia form: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Citizens_United_v._Federal_Election_Commission.

      You should also really click on the link about Corporate Personhood. And good luck sleeping ever again, because this is TERRIFYING.

  30. But dogs? Definitely not people. http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1638065,00.html

    Poor women who want abortions? Probably not either… http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/HL0706/S00066.htm

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