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In New York City, and probably all other cities, the subway is a nightmare. It’s crowded and isn’t actually functioning most of the time. People poop on it and show you their genitals. There are fish wrappers under all the seats. One time I almost fainted on it because I drank my orange juice too quickly and there was nowhere to sit so I just had to sit on the floor and I spilled coffee all over my purse. Plus it all costs you one million dollars. And yet, NYC subway patrons are, for some reason, always coming up with new ways to make it even more of a nightmare. Like remember that NYT article about that stupid fucking dinner party on the L train? Pardon my language there, but UGH THOSE PEOPLE. I hate those people so much. The only people I hate more than those people are the people in this video.
OH MY GOD. I have a personal relationship with this video because — and I’m not saying I think this is the only time a subway party like this has happened, because I’m positive that it is not — I’m pretty sure I ran into this particular subway party if it took place in mid-July. It looks exactly like the subway party I had the misfortune of running into on a Saturday in mid-July. And I was already having the worst time because basically NO trains were running and I needed to get to stupid Bushwick which, if you are not familiar, is a place that trains don’t go to and where all the bedbugs live, and it is already hard to get to from anywhere, and my left contact was really bothering me, and then I finally got to a place where I thought I’d be able to catch a helpful train and then I found out that even THAT train wasn’t running. But one stop in my journey before that final straw I ran into I think this subway party or one exactly like it. And jesus christ. It was the worst. Who do these people think they are? That they can just ruin everyone else’s already horrible journey with their stupid bullshit? They took up multiple train cars! It’s not even like this was just one train car and if you didn’t want to be in their nightmare you could just move to the next one, like when someone poops in a train car. It was happening in multiple train cars and it took a fair amount of annoyed effort to find one that wasn’t a party train car. Ugh. Even if this isn’t the particular subway party that I had the misfortune of running into, everything I said still stands and stands EVEN MORE because that means there were MULTIPLE SUBWAY PARTIES IN THE TIME FRAME OF MID-JULY TO EARLY AUGUST. The world is a vampire on a train with face paint and streamers. (Via BuzzFeed.)
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I couldn’t agree with you more, Kelly. But to be fair, where else are all of the tiny apartment people supposed to have parties?
I once got stuck on a subway with a guy playing Christmas songs on his accordion and encouraging all of the children to sing along. It was like sitting in on a Kidz Bop recording session in Hell.
The NYPD can no longer be considered heroes for many reasons (NVR 4GET), but chief among them is the fact that they didn’t arrest all of these people immediately.
A friend of mine plays in a softball league, and last september they played the FDNY in the finals, who proceeded to bring in a series of ringers who they later found out were Yankees prospects. Needless to say my friend’s team got destroyed. When they filed a protest with the league the commissioner responded, “I see where you’re coming from, but the anniversary of 9/11 is in two days. Do you really want to fight this?” So, in conclusion, Firefighters cheat at softball.
I will never forget this story.
if they don’t cheat, the terrorists win….literally. they’ve got a team batting average of .430 and their rotation has a collective ERA of 2.1. they’re unstoppable.
Was there an actual cash prize for winning the softball league? If not, then I think your friend is missing the point. Instead of losing a softball championship, he gain an awesome story about being crushed by Yankees prospects pretending to be firemen. That is a great story. Whining to the commisioner of a softball league is just silly.
That’s great! I once worked at a place that brought in ringers for softball. Actual employees got cut or played two innings per game, because our coach was a super-competitive douche. Anyway, we won the league and they awarded us a giant trophy. Literally as tall as me. So our company sponsored a celebration party, and people went because open bar. At the party, the coach waltzed around beaming like there was a spotlight and glitter on him at all times, and we who he’d banned from playing were all like “?” and none of his dozen ringers were there. And I will LOL forever at this: Coach clutching the trophy in one hand, microphone in the other, and VISIBLY realizing, halfway through his deliriously happy “This belongs to all of you little people” speech, that no in the room gave a shit and everyone hated him.
I hold very exclusive parties on the X train. You’ve probably never heard of it.
Sometimes the things that make NYC so great (lots of smart, creative, energetic people) are also the things that make NYC so ugh.
i bet at least a third of these people use the word “funemployment” on a somewhat regular basis.
Where I live the train is never packed, but since not enough people take it, they haven’t expanded it beyond one line, and the city just keeps getting more and more car-dependent and has one of the worst urban sprawl problems in North America and it is really too bad because the train is super-fast.
So, my sympathies are somewhat limited.
You have all my upvotes (so, one upvote)
They tried a tram in Austin, but they did it entirely wrong, so it’s never even close to being packed. It’s one line, and it runs something like 5 times in the morning, 7 times in the evening, mon-fri. In other words, it does not in any way help people to get drunk responsibly.
These trains run regularly and are fairly nice, but it basically goes in a straight line across the city. It was once pretty innovative – it was the first light rail built in a city under a million people, but the whole system was ignored by the city planners for about thirty years. It’s packed for about 10 minutes during rush hour, and before and after sporting events.
So no matter how many times I read this kind of horror story or wherever, I still consider NY to be a magical fairy land of public transit innovation. And on the couple times I’ve visited, it’s always been clean, empty, and on time.
Once I was in NY and a friend and I were trying to get back to our hotel. it was after one and we were just waiting and waiting…we ended up counting rats. #funtimes
I’m usually pretty stoked just to see another actuall human being on the platform when I’m waiting for the train. An Edmonton train party would probably end in violence though. Our party scene is very testosterone driven, like pretty much all of the testosterone has been funneled into this city (we’ve stolen all of it from you all! And all your Affliction T-shirts! And tanning stuff! And bad haircuts!)
Sometimes when I watch the Jersey Shore (whoops I watch the Jersey Shore) I feel like the Edmonton North is a thousands times more Jersey Shore than the Jersey Shore.
There are a lot of things written on the internet that I read at and think, “I wonder if that’s entirely true.” This is probably one of the first things I’ve read on the internet when that has unequivocally not occurred. As far as I can tell, everything about it is accurate.
I totally agree, I would suffer through a subway party here or there to have good public transportation…although I’m sorry you had a bad day Kelly!
So I think we’ve found the location for our first pumping Edmonster meetup.
Bring your BONGOS!
See you guys at Grandin in 2 hours?
Similar sympathy lack-itude from Atlanta. Our subway is 2 lines that cross in the middle. It is super effective if you live on the X or Y axis in the city (how do you like that math reference LADIES). If you live literally anywhere else (see also: basically not the poor areas), well Womp fucking Womp, you’re driving or paying out the ass for a taxi or waiting hours and hours for a bus that may never / probably will not come.
And if you live even remotely in the suburbs, your city hall is going to vote down any proposal to extend the subway out there because it will quote “bring the inner city riff raff to us.” Terrible.
Hahaha I am from Atlanta but live in NY and oh man, that is so true about marta. I also love that its populated entirely by broke college kids and crackheads, and nothing in between. Also my piece of shit suburb has repeatedly voted down an extension because black people, essentially.
I drove through New York City one time. True story.
I was on a subway one time and this one guy smelled really bad and had bags for shoes. Also a true story.
That was me, and they weren’t bags, those were condoms.
I will be in NYC this weekend, not specifically for the subway parties, per se, but i’m going to bring a pair of bongo drums JUST IN CASE I RUN INTO ONE.
“My most favourite thing I love about taking public transit is the interactions I have with the other wonderful people in my city! So naturally, if I could have more interactions with people, I would definitely relish that opportunity. OH especially if those people could be intoxicated in some way. And dancing? “YES” to dancing! (Streamers and balloons to touch that other people have touched if possible)”
– not even one single person, ever, any of this
Well, actually, I have basically said that first sentence before in reference to the LA bus system.
usually the people who participate in these things would confront those of us against them by saying that we “hate fun” and that is just not true. i love fun. i’m sure Kelly loves fun, too.
but when other people’s version of fun forces itself on on other people, it ceases to be “fun” and is now just a goddamn hassle and should be frowned upon by the public at large.
but no. in today’s world they are celebrated, treated as delightful moments that celebrate life when they’re shown on the Today Show, given “viral” status on YouTube, when in reality they are a bunch of people ruining a person’s day by fucking up their commute with shitty techno music, streamers, and shitty booze in their effort to make the world to be their college’s Greek Community forever and ever.
it’s just like pranks, but instead of being targeted at one person, it’s expanded to the level of community.
it’s like pranks, but everyone who isn’t in on it is the victim…like the Iraq war, for example.
Just paused it at the right moment to capture the douche in the blue shirt biting his lower lip in early twenties delight. ‘We are taking the mundane and adding a saxophone to it and it is magical!’ Great, great job kids, pizza and ice cream and Skeeball tokens for everyone, I’m sure.
the weird feeling i get with a lot of college-y bros is that they don’t really do this stuff to enjoy it while they’re doing it (i thought the faces were so awkward! and music they were dancing to must have sucked if they had to replace it with that mess of a “song’), but more so for the memory of the day they totally, like, did this one crazy thing and everyone thought it was crazy! it makes me sad for the people they’ll be telling these stories to 20, 30 years from now.
(that comment was triggered by your ”early twenties delight”. really like the term!)
Early Twenties Delight
No! Grandma! Why?!!!
i have to live in new york city for the next year, and i’m frankly afraid, but not for any of the reasons why i think other people think i should be afraid, but more out of a petrifying fear of how every time i have been there i’m always trapped somehow for long periods of time with people just forcefully exuding youth and charm and whimsy and oh lord how i hate that. that, and it snows there, right?
i think snow is the least worst part of new york (right everyone?) your other concerns seem valid though.
never underestimate the terror that winter strikes in the souls of those from southern climes.
I’m from Los Angeles, but have lived in Chicago for 10 years. Snow really isn’t all that bad. But what really sucks is rain in the summertime. It’s like Mother Nature’s cruel joke. It’s warm enough to actually go outside for seven months of the year, and during those months it rains like every weekend.
The snow can get pretty bad. But worse than the snow is the wind. Not everyone is charming and whimsical, there are plenty of people who are anxiety-driven and testy. Not sure which I prefer the least.
But Collegehumor can’t afford to have their staff parties anywhere else!
First off, absolutely no talent at this party. Borderline sausage fest with minimum Svedka presence and maximized extendable party tooters presence=I will only be staying for ~30 minutes.
I wish the 80s crime rate got carried over along with 80s fashion. All these people would be getting severely mugged.
I wish this was the train from the original Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 and Robert Shaw was there to pistol whip these idiots.
I can’t say Steve Albini would approve of this.
Living in New York City is great! Except for all the soul crushingly horrible parts, which constitute almost all of it!
so this is what my friend living in NY was talking about when she was referring to all the hot and creative and sensitive dudes she met at these very underground parties. obviously this video has made me even more jealous of her than i ever was.
I have been neck deep in work this week. I can barely think. Worst of all, I had an event this weekend that was an unmitigated disaster, so I’ve been keeping my nose to the grindstone, which means a cut back on my Vgum commenting.
I tell you all this because the fact that I’ve logged in to say “Fuck Everyone In The Video,” should hold more weight than normal.
Best,
FLW
May the gods of mitigation see fit to mitigate your disaster soon, FLW. Take care.
This looks almost as bad as the impromptu tailgating parties held on Los Angeles’ freeways. Ugh those tailgate parties UGH
A dude got on the subway today and proceeded to play the clarinet. He played “When I’m 64″ (by The Beatles – No Ringo). He sang a little. He wore a dumb hat and a seersucker jacket. And also shorts. And he had a beard. And he did a dumb jig. He got “stared” off the train.
True Story.
And NYC continues to be the greatest city in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bringing self-satisfied assholes onto the subway is like bringing sand to the beach.
This sounds like every social anxiety I experienced at college combined with my extreme hatred of touching things and people on the subway mashed into one giant nightmare-fueled panic attack.
I would say I’m too old for this at 24, but that’s not the problem. I just fucking hate these people.
Also, I’ve only been to Bushwick once, and I never intend to return.
True story.
Kelly, you absolutely crushed it with this post. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Kahdooz.
Except the part about almost fainting because she drank her orange juice too fast. That is a thing that happens? Or is that code for “I had a horrible hangover”?
Well I bought an orange juice from the store and then wanted to finish it before I got on the train, but then the train was there right away so I drank it really fast and then in a couple of minutes the world was fading to black. IDK someday I’ll WebMD it.
I think you got roofied at the bodega.
Where were all those people visiting from? I didn’t see one New Yorker at that party.
They’re immigrants from College.
They obviously ripped this off from the subway party in Hellraiser 6.
Lol id like to see them try to do some shit like this on the 2 train going to 241 st, right after 149th st. it would be funny as hell to see a bunch of hood niqqaZ (myself included) pummel these mutahfuckaz. lol
I’m pretty sure that when F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote this: “When bored, we took our city with a Huysmans-like perversity. An afternoon alone in our “apartment” eating olive sandwiches and drinking a quart of Bushmill’s whisky presented by Zoe Akins, then out into the freshly bewitched city, through strange doors into strange apartments with intermittent swings along in taxis through the soft nights. At last we were one with New York, pulling it after us through every portal. Even now I go into many flats with the sense that I have been there before or in the one above or below – was it the night I tried to disrobe in theScandals, or the night when (as I read with astonishment in the paper next morning) “Fitzgerald Knocks Officer This Side of Paradise”? Successful scrapping not being among my accomplishments, I tried in vain to reconstruct the sequence of events that led up to this denouement in Webster Hall. And lastly from that period I remember riding in a taxi one afternoon between very tall buildings under a mauve and rosy sky; I began to bawl because I had everything I wanted and knew I would never be so happy again,” he imagined a future New York very much like the one portrayed by the folks in this video.
Or maybe not. Who knows. He was really drunk a lot of the time.
I think the end of this video got cut off. Isn’t Blade supposed to show up and kill all these vampires?
I’m pretty sure I sat in piss once on a london train. that was a great New Years.
i rode the subway in los angeles (THATS RIGHT, INSTEAD OF THE BUS) and i cant see that happening there because of no one ever riding the subway in los angeles
After attempting a year of public transit in Los Angeles, a poop covered NYC subway is pretty much heaven. Also, immediately get a car when you move to LA.