Vincent Gallo is great. Admittedly, he is also terrible. But then on the other hand: He is great. So it’s a tough call. I would like everyone to know right now that Buffalo ’66 is one of my favorite movies of all time. See what I care? See what I care what you think about it. I quote “spanning time” almost every day. Brown Bunny, on the other hand, is a movie about footage of driving on a road and looking at the sky and then a blowjob. Give and take. But now I guess Vincent Gallo is not going to let anyone see the movies he’s making anymore? I don’t know, look at this, from indieWire:

“I do not want my new works to be generated in a market or audience of any kind,” he said, adding that the Venice and TIFF screenings last year for [his latest film] Promises Written In Water were part of an agreement he made with the actress Delfine Bafort. But that’s not all. He also adds, “I have just finished a new film and have not made ​​similar agreements with anyone. So this film is allowed to rest in peace, and stored without being exposed to the dark energies from the public.”

What? Whatever. I’m sure no one is ever going to see any of these movies and everyone is just going to want to see them so badly until everyone dies from killing themselves and then finally gets to see all the Vincent Gallo movies they want in Heaven. But what will we do until then? Oh I don’t know, make up our OWN Vincent Gallo movies maybe? Yeah I guess we can do that.

Hand On Road
Hand On Road is about a man who looks like Vincent Gallo (Vincent Gallo) trying to overcome his dark past by doing some even darker things in his present. The only bright moment in his life is that every day he travels 100 miles to watch a girl (Young Actress) who doesn’t even know he exists do her job as a waitress at a diner. One day she notices that she recognizes him from all the other days and approaches him. He is very mean to her and she falls in love with him not immediately but basically immediately.

Butter on the Knife
Butter on the Knife is about a man who looks like Vincent Gallo (Vincent Gallo) trying to overcome his dark past by doing some self-destructive things in his present that are only just now become destructive to things outside of himself. Most of the movie is footage of Vincent Gallo walking and then taking breaks and sitting in grass. At one point he has a bike but you don’t know how he got it and it is never explained but you think I guess he must have stolen it? It is clear that he just wants to escape. Lots of walking. Lots of sitting. There have been vague hints about a girl (Young Actress) in his past who we assume is dead. There is one scene towards the end of the movie where he stands in a room with her but doesn’t say anything. Was that a flashback? Was she never dead? What’s going on in this movie? None of these topics are ever approached. The movie ends with a 20 minute continuous scene from Vincent Galllo’s POV while he walks down a road in like Kansas or someplace that looks like Kansas.

Crooked House
Crooked House is about a man who looks like Vincent Gallo (Vincent Gallo) trying to overcome his dark past by doing some darkish things in his present. He earns his living as a physician’s assistant, though it is unclear at first why he earns his living doing this because he looks like Vincent Gallo and who is letting him do this? Then you find out he’s allowed to do it because he knows about a murder a doctor committed and, whatever, so he’s allowed to do it. Why doesn’t he just have the doctor pay him lots of money instead of forcing the doctor to let him be a physician’s assistant which is admittedly not a glamorous job? Because all of his life he was told he wouldn’t amount to anything and because of this he dropped out of school and never went back, but then was filled with the desire to prove his deadbeat parents wrong after one of them left a particularly cruel note to him in their will after they died (it is hinted that maybe the doctor killed them). He doesn’t have a very good attitude or work ethic, though. One day he meets a girl (Young Actress) who takes a shine to him. He is mean to her and she falls in love with him not immediately but basically immediately. Then he decides he doesn’t care about being a physicians assistant because the fact that this girl likes him proves his parents wrong enough. How will he make his money then? It is unclear.

Let me know if anyone wants to write/film any of these. I’m available to play Vincent Gallo.

Comments (36)
  1. If Tyler Perry, Eli Roth, or Peter Jackson follow his lead, it will be all worthwhile.

  2. I think this is actually the best tribute to the late David Foster Wallace ever.

  3. “I want to make all of these! But none of you will ever see them!” – Vincent Gallo

    “Hooray!” – everyone’s eyeballs

    I have a feeling that once we’re all old and in our Depends, Vincent Gallo will die and all of these movies will be found and celebrated.

  4. I’m worried about Vincent Gallo, you guys.

  5. Can we make a short film where Vincent Gallo (Vincent Gallo) says the following, so everyone can know what a vile human being he is?

    Let’s talk about what a wonderful president George Bush has been so far.Let’s talk about how ridiculous handicap parking is. Let’s talk about why the Puertoricans think they need to have a parade down fifth avenue. Or for that matter why the gays do too. Why isn’t the Veterans Day parade down fifth avenue? The people who secure our nation get a couple blocks in Brooklyn while the fags and spics get Fifth Avenue.

    Let’s call it “Kill Yourself.”

  6. always this

  7. Since I’ve never seen any of his movies, I’d say I’m ahead of the game.

  8. Gabe, would like your thoughts on Arizona Dream, because ha ha remember Arizona Dream? OH MAN

  9. Wait a sec. Kelly wrote this…but she’s available to play the part of Vincent Gallo…but Vincent Gallo has a dick ( we know this)…Kelly doesn’t have a dick…Gabe, we assume, has a dick…Kelly = Gabe?

  10. Solitaire
    A man who looks like Vincent Gallo (Vincent Gallo) is in jail for committing an unnamed crime. As he lies in his cell we cut to scenes of him on the outside, talking to family and friends. He tells them he is sorry he hurt them but sometimes he gets angry and blames them for it, and they never react. They just stare blankly as if he isn’t there at all. Is he dead? Are these flashbacks? Probably they are his fantasies of conversations he’d like to have but he can’t even fantasize them reacting so that’s weird. Then he is released from jail and when he walks outside we don’t see the jail, as if maybe he was never in an actual jail, just a jail of the mind. At this point he commits a crime that will get him sent to jail. Or possibly shot.

    • Yesyesyesyesyes

    • A man who looks like Vincent Gallo who looks like Perry Farrell does something, but a member of the audience, could be anyone really, why are you all looking at me?, gets confused as to whether they are two different people, or whether the Porno for Pyros guy is just really branching out, if so good for him, and anyway that viewer misses the rest of the movie because she decides to check that on IMDB and hey, here is a link to another movie! And another! etc. forever.


  11. I feel like adding #DarkEnergies to the end of all my future Tweets mainly because most of them are pretty critical. Like this one: Shush it, Vincent Gallo, no one cares! #DarkEnergies

  12. The Gaze
    SCENE EXT. Farm house somewhere in middle america. Enter Vincent Gallo.
    (He stares into the distance enigmatically.)
    (He is receiving a blowjob.)

    The End.

  13. We may not be able to see the fruits of his metaphorical loins, but the fruits of his literal loins can still be had.

    If I had the money, I’d so do it because <3 <3 <3.

    • This is my face right now.

      That is my face forever.

    • From the link:
      “Heavy set, older, red heads and even black chicks can have me if they can pay the bill. No real female will be refused. However, I highly frown upon any male having even the slightest momentary thought or wish that they could ever become my client. No way Jose. However, female couples of the lesbian persuasion can enjoy a Vincent Gallo evening together for $100,000. $200,000 buys the lesbos a weekend. A weekend that will have them second-guessing.”

      The yikes!-meter is reading off the charts on this one.

  14. Burnt Dirt is about a man who looks like Vincent Gallo (Vincent Gallo) who clears roadkill during the day while overcoming a troubled past by night. In an extended middle sequence, he attempts to grow the longest Hitler mustache in the world in real time in order to impress a girl (Young Actress) who once lived next door to his childhood hero George Will. Like it is a long mustache but it’s just the Hitler part? Also all of the sets look like they’re from Twin Peaks, but that’s just how they look.

  15. “When” is an amazing album. I love Buffalo ’66 too, but sometimes wish he’d just stick with music.

  16. Did you know Vincent Gallo played Tino in My-So Called Life?

  17. Ugh, this guy is the worst. I bet he is on some Ayn Rand shit here. One of her awful characters does a similar thing in one of her awful novels.

  18. Holy shit! That was funny! You and Gabe are the best!

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