It’s the best time of every week: catching up with the boys! Vince is speaking at an AA meeting. One day at a time, Vince! What doesn’t kill you makes you cocainer. Everyone in the audience keeps smiling and laughing and applauding at everything that Vince says. Cool. “As a matter of fact, I just wrote my first screenplay.” [APPLAUSE] “Don’t worry, it sucked.” [LAUGHTER] It’s probably the best AA speech ever. After the meeting, Carl Urtz comes up to him. Oh great. You guys remember Carl. He’s the douchebag who screwed us on Danger Beach. (Oh man, seriously though, remember Danger Beach? The best name for a thing ever until Johnny’s Bananas came along.) He wants to produce Vince’s Ukrainian mining disaster made-for-TV movie. The whole thing is very ’90s. Remember in the early ’90s when people always talked about how AA meetings in Hollywood were great places to network? That was weird. That was a weird ’90s thing. Well, it’s back! Awesome. Vince agrees to send Carl his script, even though Carl did screw him on Danger Beach. But he’s in the program now and he’s trying to make amends. Carl thanks Vince again, and then says, “Great, I’m gonna get some ice cream.” Wait, what? What kind of adult man walks out of a conversation like that? Showbiz.
Ari isn’t happy about this Carl Urtz thing. He would rather “cut off his penis” than let Vince work with Carl Urtz again. That might sound a bit dramatic, but you will remember that Carl Urtz is the one who screwed us on Danger Beach. Vince tells Ari that he would expect this kind of response from E, but not from Ari. Ari says, “Listen, this may be the first time I agree with E,” which I swear to God is a word-for-word line that appears at least once in every season of this show. GUYS! You have known each other for 100 years now. You agree on things, like, 75% of the time. HANG UP YOUR “WE’RE ENEMIES” CLEATS AND HIT THE SHOWERS. Vince tells Ari that he doesn’t think that Ari is motivated about getting his made-for-TV movie about the Ukrainian mining disaster starring Johnny’s Bananas own Johnny Drama going. Lloyd is the head of the TV department. Something something email. And now Lloyd is going to set up Ari on a date with his 23-year-old niece who is a “nail designer” because Ari’s need to fuck is getting in the way of his work.
Turtle is having lunch with Mr. Tequila, who gives him a gold watch as a sign of his appreciation. “You know, in the US they usually give someone a gold watch when they’re retirin’,” Turtle says. Hahha. This makes sense for him to say because Turtle is a well-known scholar of American Workplace Traditions and Customs. Mr. Tequila explains that Turtle is OUT because of Mark Cuban? I don’t know how business works. He also explains that Turtle’s girlfriend is not his girlfriend anymore. Damn. You guys, if Mr. Tequila ever invites you to lunch, don’t go! He is only going to give you as much bad news as possible. (Although he will also give you a gold watch. Nevermind, go to lunch. You have to eat!) Now Turtle is sad because he wants his own business. That is true. If there is one thing we have learned about Turtle over the years it is that he
drives the Hummer wears all the basketball jerseys has comical difficulty getting pussy in his eternal pussy war with Drama wants to run his own business. Vince asks him if he has any ideas for a business and he says that he does. He wants to open a baked clams restaurant in Los Angeles. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHH. Uhhhhhhh. Look, maybe a baked clams restaurant would do great out there. That’s not the point. But Turtle has already tried to be a rap producer, a limo service operator, and a tequila distributor, all of which sound much more reasonable and foolproof than BAKED CLAMS RESTAURANT ENTREPRENEUR. Vince tells him it’s a great idea. Oh, well then I’m sure it is. They decide they will both cash out their Tequila Stock (TQS on the Dow) and put all the money into baked clams. This is definitely going to work out great.
Meanwhile, Drama wants to play hardball with the network over his Johnny’s Bananas paycheck because Andrew Dice Clay put a bug in his brain. Walking Human Garbage Stuffed Into A Tight Silk Shirt, Scott Caan, thinks they might be able to get more money. E disagrees. Phil also disagrees and he says the word fuck a lot. Everyone goes to Dice’s house (note to self: great idea for a new reality show called Dice’s House) to break the news to him. It is hard to hear because Baby Dice is playing drums in the background.
Dice insists that he is the one who does the fucking around here, as if anyone was even arguing that he wasn’t. I’m not really sure why Dice thinks he has so much room to negotiate. To his own point, he has been in this business a long time, so why does he whatever, nevermind. I do like when he calls Johnny Drama’s stupid Adjustment Bureau hat a “viking helmet.”
Hahah. GOTCHA. Dice gets fired and is replaced by Jamie Kennedy doing a Dice impression. The show is ruined. (I’m genuinely not sure which show I am talking about. As far as I am concerned Jamie Kennedy doing a Dice impression ruins both Johnny’s Bananas AND Entourage. It’s awful! He is so smug and self-satisfied about it!)
Ari goes on a date with a child. She is very beautiful so naturally all she wants to do is fuck a middle-aged man in the middle of a divorce. Super normal. EXCUSE ME, WHO ARE THESE GIRLS? Like, she forces shots down his throat and then basically demands that he fuck her right away. Cool. (At the restaurant, when she is not hungry because she already ate because she is so young that she’s never been on a dinner date before, but before he knows that, Ari in response to her saying she’s not that hungry asks “Did you have a big lunch?” which is definitely I’m going to ask every girl on every date from now on because ROMANCE.) Ari is about to just totally fuck her just like she wants him to but then her roommate bangs on the window and makes some comment about how she is NOT allowed to steal anymore of his condoms. Ew. Even Ari is like “ew.” He tells her that he will call her, but secretly he’s probably not going to call her. She’s too young, you know? We know that she is young because when he makes a reference to How Stella Got Her Groove Back, which is just one of those classic, timely, hilarious pop culture references that Ari is always making, she has no idea what he’s talking about, which is also realistic and believable because it isn’t a household punchline regardless of your actual familiarity with the source material at this point. Ari goes and fucks Dana instead.
Entourage finally gives America what it wants: celebrity cameos from financier Mark Cuban!
This is our generation’s Mark Burnett cameo! As I mentioned before, I don’t know how business works, but even Mark Cuban asks Turtle if he and Vince are sure that they want to pull out their Tequila Stocks now because he’s going to go public soon and they would stand to make tons more money. Yeah. Why wouldn’t you just keep that investment for now? Like, it’s one thing if all your money is in Tequila Stocks and you’re worried about Standard and Poor’s downgrading Tequila Futures or whatever, but if you just need $400,000 to open a baked clams restaurant in Venice Beach, how about ASKING YOUR MULTI-MILLIONAIRE MOVIE STAR BEST FRIEND WHO ALREADY PAYS FOR EVERYTHING ANYWAY AND IS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU FOR A LOANER? Like I said I don’t know how business works.
Vince goes over to Carl Urtz’s house and discovers that he has been snookered. Urtz really only said he was going to produce his Ukrainian mining disaster made-for-TV movie starring Johnny “Concrete Heat” Drama in exchange for Vince playing a role in Taxman. Classic Urtz. He fucked us on Danger Beach and now he’s trying to fuck us on this. Although, in his defense, Taxman does sound like the best movie idea since Cleaver. It turns out that Urtz is on cocaine.
He loses his shit. Everyone tries to tell Vince to get out of there, but Vince won’t leave Urtz like this. Come on, Vince! The guy screwed you on Danger Beach! Urtz locks himself in the bathroom and blows his brains out.
Poor guy must fuck like dog shit.