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Until this morning, I hadn’t thought about how they award surf boards at the Teen Choice Awards in what seems like many years. Which, you know, of course, duh, no doy, but you’d think the thought would maybe have occurred randomly at least two or three times. “That surfboard looks difficult to carry, hahah, remember how all the stars have to carry them for a little while during the Teen Choice Awards?” is the example of a thought I could have had. But it actually seemed like a completely new idea to me to be honest, though I’m sure I was aware of it during last year’s Teen Choice Awards and every Teen Choice Awards before that since the first Teen Choice Awards in 1999. Did you know that these surf boards cost over $800 to manufacture? So that means this year Emma Stone received $4,800 worth of useless surfboard trophy. Harry Potter franchise won at least $5,600 worth of useless surfboard trophy, not counting where they gave multiple trophies to the cast. Twilight and Taylor Swift won about $500,00000,099999,000000 in useless surfboard trophy. I’m not sure how much other awards cost to make, probably like A MILLION dollars, but this particular award seems like a bit much because also NO ONE WANTS A SURFBOARD. You can’t put that anyplace except in a storage area or in the garbage or the ocean if you go to the beach and pretend to forget it there. “Oh, oops, forgot my TCA surfboard. Haha why does that always happen?” – Taylor Swift.
Anyway, this year it was hosted by the girl from Big Bang Theory. Full list of winners in the, roughly, two million categories they have awards for including “Choice Vampire” and “Best Twit” after the jump!
Ultimate Choice Award: Taylor Swift
Choice Red Carpet Fashion Icon Female: Taylor Swift
Choice Music Breakup Song: “Back to December,” Taylor Swift
Choice Music Female Country Artist: Taylor Swift
Choice Music Country Single: “Mean,” Taylor Swift
Choice Music Female Artist: Taylor Swift
Choice Movie Action: Fast Five
Choice Movie Actor Action — Johnny Depp, The Tourist
Choice Movie Actress Action — Angelina Jolie, The Tourist
Choice Movie Sci-Fi/Fantasy: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
Choice Movie Villain: Tom Felton, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
Choice Movie Liplock — Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
Choice Summer Movie: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Choice Summer Movie Star Male: Daniel Radcliffe, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Choice Summer Movie Star Female: Emma Watson, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Choice Movie Actor Sci-Fi/Fantasy: Taylor Lautner, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Choice Movie Male Scene Stealer: Kellan Lutz, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Choice Movie Female Scene Stealer: Ashley Greene, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Choice Movie Actor Drama: Robert Pattinson, Water for Elephants
Choice Movie Actor Romantic Comedy: Ashton Kutcher, No Strings Attached
Choice Movie Actress Romantic Comedy: Emma Stone, Easy A
Choice Movie Actress Comedy — Cameron Diaz, Bad Teacher
Choice Movie Hissy Fit: Ed Helms, The Hangover Part II
Choice TV Show Drama: Gossip Girl
Choice TV Actress Drama: Blake Lively, Gossip Girl
Choice TV Show Fantasy/Sci-Fi: The Vampire Diaries
Choice TV Actor Fantasy/Sci-Fi: Ian Somerhalder, The Vampire Diaries
Choice TV Actress Fantasy/Sci-Fi: Nina Dobrev, The Vampire Diaries
Choice TV Male Scene Stealer: Michael Trevino, The Vampire Diaries
Choice TV Female Scene Stealer: Katerina Graham, The Vampire Diaries
Choice TV Reality Show: Jersey Shore
Choice TV Male Reality/Variety Star: Paul “Pauly D” Del Vecchio, Jersey Shore
Choice TV Show Comedy: Glee
Choice TV Actor Comedy: Cory Monteith, “Glee”
Choice TV Breakout Star: Darren Criss, Glee
Choice Summer Music Star Male: Bruno Mars
Choice Summer Music Star Female: Katy Perry
Choice Summer Song: “Skyscraper,” Demi Lovato
Choice Music Male Artist: Justin Bieber
Choice Twit: Justin Bieber
Choice TV Villain: Justin Bieber, CSI
Choice Male Hottie: Justin Bieber
Choice Female Hottie: Selena Gomez
Choice TV Actress Comedy: Selena Gomez, Wizards of Waverly Place
Choice Music Group: Selena Gomez and The Scene
Choice Music Single: “Who Says,” Selena Gomez and The Scene
Choice Music Love Song: “Love You Like a Love Song,” Selena Gomez
Choice Comedian: Ellen DeGeneres
Choice Vampire: Robert Pattinson
Choice Web Star: Rebecca Black
(Via LA Times.)
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These seem like informed and unbiassed choices for winners. Good work, teens.
Not enough categories, too little Twilight. Back to the drawing board!
Teens really make great decisions, always, but I can’t wait for the primetime airing of the AARP Olds Choice Awards. How many awards do you all think Benny Goodman will win this year? I predict a clean sweep!
Never Count Basie out.
Alex Trebek got Robbed!
“And the winner for best male actor is… ‘Cary Grant, now there was a man who could really act, not like these whippersnappers you have nowadays, what with their running around with no shirts on and talking about the raps and the gangs.’
Cary Grant could not be here tonight; he, like all the winners tonight, is dead. I will accept this award on his behalf.”
And…Standard & Poor’s just downgraded our credit rating again. @topicalhumor
“I haven’t seen a stain on our nation like this since Monica Lewinski’s blue dress!” — Jay Leno, later today
Why are is that one girl about to kiss the other one in the third photo and CAMERON DIAZ’S FACE.
I think the only way to accept a Teen Choice Award is to go on stage, thank the teeming pit of screaming pre-pubes, walk off stage, go home, drink, cry, drink, realize you probably peaked, drink, and watch a “Rizzoli and Isles” marathon.
Uh, what does “Ultimate Choice Award” even MEAN? Like if you had the ultimate choice between..everything? you would choose Taylor Swift? I am so confused.
“The ultimate choice award goes to: Chocolate vs. Vanilla vs. Strawberry”
Taylor Swift is the human incarnation of Pikachu, I guess. Makes sense when you think about it.
Finally! The Tourist is getting the recognition it deserves.
I want the 7 more pictures of teenagers that I was promised, Kelly!
Related:
Kelly — making the trophies for other awards show doesn’t cost as much, but it’s still pretty involved.
Teens:
You tell me you are responsible enough to own a car and for me to extend your curfew to 10:30 p.m. and then you turn around and vote Johnny Depp as Choice Movie Actor Action for The Tourist? And how do you explain all of those awards for Taylor Swift? Are you even taking this seriously?!
That’s it. You mother and I are going to have a long talk about what to do with you and you can probably kiss that car goodbye. Also, I want you filling out job applications for any and all available positions– tomorrow! Now, go up to your room and keep that music down!
-Frank Lloyd Wrong
YOU’RE RUINING MY LIFE! YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD!
- Teens
Man, children have terrible taste in everything.
WHY DIDN’T TWILIGHT WIN EVERYTHING!?!?!?!? UGH THE WORLD IS SO UNFAIR NOTHING EVER GOES RIGHT FOR ME GET OUT OF MY ROOM MOM I’M FINE!!!!!!
I hate when my facebook alter-ego is automatically signed in instead of me! i should never have entered that Blue Valentine DVD giveaway.
I am not even sure they will put that Five Faster Five Furiouser won the Choice Action Movie award on the cover of its DVD. And I imagine they have nothing else good to put on the cover of that DVD, movie included.
Who won Most Werewolf?
Dolla Dolla Bills, you guys.
Wait, Ellen Degeneres? Seriously? How do kids even know who she is?
She’s the Vampire King! It’s the only thing that make sense! If you kill her, all the other vampires will go away and we can get back to the quality teen entertainment I grew up with, like “Supertrain” and “The Man from Atlantis.”
Ha ha, just kidding. No one try to kill Ellen. I’m sure she’s fine. (But don’t invite her into your house, either, just in case.)
I normally don’t consider 30s-40s to be old, but whenever I see a picture of anyone over like 25 at the Teen Choice Awards I laugh at them and imagine them getting ready for it in a depressed yet detached manner. Looking at their clothing thinking “Is this what kids half my age want to see me wear? I can’t fucking believe this is my life.” and then getting drunk because that’s the only way to get through it.
Poll: Which do you think feels weirder for them?:
Winning and having to thank all these little children while holding a surfboard they’ll never use or find a place for in their house.
or
Not winning. Going to the fucking Teen Choice Awards and not even winning. Sitting there clapping politely thinking “God why am I even here?” not knowing whether the slap of the snub or the relief of not having to get up and talk and see more pictures of yourself at this absurd place.
Vote now!
The weirdest worst thing is the Teen Choice awards.
Why was Gillian Jacobs there?
“Community? That show is … weird.” -Teenagers
Justin Bieber and Ellen DeGeneres basically go to the same stylist.
Nice to see ‘The Tourist’ is starting to get the kind of accolades it deserves.
Jawnofthedead, however, continues to go ignored.
Note to self, read previous comments first. Note to self, don’t read teen choice award stories at work. Note to self, I hate Mondays.
Always a Teen Choice Awards nominee. Never a Teen Choice Awards winner.
So did everyone win the award for Best Surfer or something?
Hang Ten? Sweet Board Bra? Needa wax job?
Am I doing this right?
This is clearly the Tween Choice Awards. Actual teenager awards would include:
Choice Three Dollar Six-pack
Choice Acne Cream
Choice Morning After Pill
Choice Self-Assured Opinion Even Though You’re Too Young To Understand Shit About The World
I threw that last one in for me.
those surfboards don’t cost $800 to produce. they wouldn’t even retail for that much.
I’d like to meet a single teenager that watched and enjoyed ‘The Tourist’. Jesus, these awards.
It probably looks very good and different on an iPad and Zuner and other gadgets they’ve created with their video gaming systems into our reality.
they are very good young actors