Oh brother. The creator of Rush Hour, Rush Hour 2, and this YouTube video, Brett Ratner, has been chosen to produce this year’s Academy Awards. Neat! The thing about Brett Ratner is that he just seems like a cool, fun person. Obviously, he has impeccable taste and is a creative genius, we know that from watching his movies and that YouTube video. But I’m talking about as a person I bet his friends just consider themselves lucky to have such a great, loving, loyal, and most importantly NORMAL human being as a friend. If you do a Google image search for him you’ll see that he gives the peace sign in a lot of his press photos. That’s cool! And I bet no one has ever been raped in the swimming pool at his mansion during a drug-fueled party of human trash wearing Tap Out gear and complaining about the 10 Worst Valet Parking Services in LA. But now that he has been chosen, what can we expect from this year’s show? Here are a few guesses:

  • The show will be hosted by Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan
  • Award presenters will ride out to the podium on motorcycles
  • Instead of saying “and the Oscar goes to…,” presenters will say “hey _____ come get yer fuckin oscar, bro!”
  • Ring girls
  • Viewers will be taken backstage to get a behind-the-scenes look at what it’s really like via Brett’s patented “Cocaine Cam”
  • Someone will die LIVE on screen by being punched to death by Chuck Lidell
  • The infamous seat-fillers who replace the celebrities when they go to the bathroom or to smoke a cigarette so that the auditorium looks filled will be played this year by CGI talking animals
  • This year’s Lifetime Achievement Award will go to The Fonz (not Henry Winkler, The Fonz)
  • A strain of mild, unconsidered racism will run throughout the broadcast

Nailed it. You know, we’re having a lot of fun at Mr. Ratner’s expense, but truth be told no matter what he does (and whatever he does, it will almost certainly include that last guess) the 2012 Academy Awards will almost certainly still be better than this year’s. Sheesh! At the very least, they will be our last. GOODBYE!

Comments (24)
  1. I’ll be honest, I enjoyed the hell out of the first two Rush Hour movies.

  2. Funny how the Academy Awards are usually over four hours long, and none of those hours ever seems particularly rushed.

    • Maybe they’ll be condensed to one rushed hour this year. That would certainly be an improvement.

      • Nominees must face Jackie Chan in martial arts, armed only with a large folding ladder and priceless vase. Lose the fight, lose the Oscar. Fights will be officiated by licensed dojo master, James Franco-san.

  3. Little known fact – Brett Ratner’s name was originally Brett Ratner-Paltrow.

  4. “No no, the Oscar statue is fine, I’m just saying it would be better if it had a pair of double D’s” – Ratdog

  5. Is it possible this guy does NOT refer to women as “pieces of ass?”

  6. A quick little run to IMDB and….. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Of course he was an executive producer on PRISON BREAK. Why would he not be?! I love you, Brett Ratner!

    • Without ever having watched that show, I absolutely love the idea about a show that, by its very nature, becomes more ridiculous the longer it is on the air. For how many seasons are they going to try to break out of prison?! The series ends with them making parole.

  7. I can only hope he does for the Academy Awards what he did to the X-Men franchise!

    Oh, wait…

  8. I can only imagine the Visual Carnival to come!

  9. producing the oscars? poor guy must fuck like dog shit.

  10. judging by his track record, this pretty much means Bryan Singer and both Ridley and Tony Scott passed on it.

  11. I THINK we all know WHAT TO expect from this SHIT.

  12. This ain’t your parent’s Oscar night

  13. Brett Ratner realized that the only way he will ever win a major industry award (RIP Blockbuster Awards) is by trying to win an Emmy for producing the Oscars.

    “Am I going to see you at the Oscars this year, Brett?”
    “Of course I’ll be there.”
    “Where are you sitting?”
    “I actually have to order the pizzas.”

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