This morning, on the fourth hour of the Today Show, Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee Gifford were discussing the 11th-hour vote held yesterday to approve a budget agreement that would, at least temporarily, end these exhausting and disquieting debt ceiling debates. (The Senate is set to vote today but it doesn’t seem like there’s any question that it will pass.) More importantly, they were talking about representative Gabrielle Giffords triumphant return to the House floor after being shot by that lunatic this past spring. She was met with a standing ovation from both sides of the aisle. (Incidentally, for what it is worth, I already knew about both the budget deal’s passage and Gabrielle Gifford’s standing ovation before hearing these dumb dumbs talk about it on the Today Show but I am getting to that part, OK?) With the return of Gabrielle Giffords, the political intensity of the past few weeks was temporarily defused. Everyone’s posturing and aggressive elbows were rendered silence by a powerful reminder that life is fleeting, that we all need to carry on with our business as best we can, and that there are far more important things than being assholes to each other about macro-economic policies that very few of us understand. At which point, Kathie Lee Gifford launched into what has to be one of the most ridiculous discussions of modern politics that I have heard since Senator Bulworth debated Hugh Waldron. Firstly she defended members of the Tea Party, which is fine, I guess, except no one was talking about the Tea Party? Then she pointed out that we have “a constitution that says you can have your beliefs.” Good point. Run for president.

What I’m trying to say is that we will always live in a world governed by massive systems of power and control that are far beyond our means to control and sometimes even beyond our capacity to comprehend them, and there are ACTUAL madmen hiding in the bushes, so you need to take what pleasure you can from this world while you can. If you want to set a new world record by fitting 800 straws in your mouth, please go for it. Although this guy already did, so it will have to be 801.

I. DRINK. YOUR. 800. MILKSHAKES! I DRINK THEM UP! (2011.) (Via BuzzFeed.)

Comments (27)
  1. well, no surprise. this sucks.

  2. I prefer Albert Dershman

  3. I call bullshit on this. Where are these straws from? And what criteria are we using to establish something as a straw? Hell, a coffee stirrer is technically a straw, and I can fit a lot more of those in my mouth than, say, one of those big-ass straws from McDonalds. No no, I’m afraid I’m going to have to see some sort of official rules put into place before I accept this record as legit.

  4. This is what I imagine happens at every restaurant with a straw dispenser before they refill it.

  5. “No, Hank, I just need one straw. Just one. ONE, HANK.”

  6. And Kathie Lee can go put 800 dicks in her mouth.

  7. This probably should have been a “That’s your boyfriend,” because this is DEFINITELY my boyfriend.

    • I guess we know why you two are still together after all these years, huh?! Right? I mean… right?! I’m talking about blowjobs.

  8. Elsewhere, 800 camels’ backs sighed with relief.

    • This is actually just one half of a mexican standoff. You can’t see it, but the camel is just off-camera, holding the guy’s mom and threatening to step on a crack.

  9. Why raise the debt ceiling, when you can simply LOWER the DEBT FLOOR. -Kathie Lee President Economist Philosopher-King

  10. This is what makes you happy, Gabe?

  11. Somewhere, Joe Buck is experiencing a mixture of shame and excitement.

    (Come on, Monsters. I know somebody will get that joke)

  12. One of the videos linked from that video is the world record for most toothpicks stuck in a human beard. Now THAT is a record. Talk about burying the lede!

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