As you may recall, last week’s episode ended with Turtle burning down the mansion. Oh jeez. Tuurrrtle! [Trombone slide.] So this week our old pals are staying in a beautiful hotel suite. So sick. Sick hotel suite, boys. I almost wish that my house would burn down so I could just move into a gorgeous hotel suite with 360 panoramic views of the city with all my friends and not even give a shit! Hahaha. It’s called real life and it’s super normal. Turtle is wearing a basketball jersey and an old baseball hat and everyone keeps talking about how he looks weird because he’s dressed like it’s 2003 and all of a sudden I am genuinely starting to think that the entire purpose of the “Turtle burning the house down” storyline was just to get Turtle to dress like he did in season one. It’s weird! Like, I think the creators of this show think that people have spent a lot of thought and energy tracking the changes in Turtle’s wardrobe over the years and that somehow it would be both interesting and exciting for us to see him wearing an outfit that apparently he stopped wearing a few years ago, although you could have fooled me. Slowly but surely each episode will bring a different minor plot turn that somehow forces each character to return to their original look (“Hey, have you guys tried these magic hair-growing pills?” “Sorry, Vin, I haven’t had time to, I’ve been so busy replacing my calf implants”) so that by the time Season 8 ends everyone will be exactly where they were when they started and the Universe will collapse on itself and we will all die and the memory of this entire thing will be erased from existence. Fingers crossed!
Vince comes out of his room with a script in his hand. He stayed up all night writing it because he just had to get it out.
Wait, what? I mean, I know that that is what movies and TV think that writers do, which is ridiculous, because movies and TV are written by writers, and they should know better. (Writers might stay up all night accidentally playing X-Box. They do not stay up all night WRITING.) But more importantly, it’s one thing if Mike Mills comes out of his room (at the penthouse suite) with the script for Beginners in his hand and is like “I had to get it out,” but isn’t this a script for a made-for-TV movie about a Ukranian mining disaster? Why did he have to get THAT out? Out of all the things that could wait until the morning, this is at the top of the list! Also, it’s just a 20 page, poorly spelled, grammatically incorrect outline. An outline! It took him all night? GO TO BED, VINCE. Everyone makes fun of his spelling and punctuation and grammar and everything. Even Turtle and Johnny Drama make fun of it, and they are functionally retarded in the clinical definition. Vince is like “this isn’t about spelling, this is about art.” Right. I’m not sure if I ever dislike Vince more than when he is excited about some stupid thing.
Meanwhile, Lloyd saw Mrs. Ari eating at Flay’s but she hates that restaurant! (Somehow having the information in my brain about the fictional long-standing relationship that Mrs. Ari Gold has with a Beverly Hills restaurant makes me embarrassed for the sacrifices my grandfather made in World War II to make the world a better place for his family.) Ari interrogates a hilariously gay waiter about the situation. LOL. He’s so gay, it’s hilarious. Then he submarines another waiter’s Mad Men audition (this week’s episode includes two name-drops of showrunners, because if there is one thing that America loves it is showrunners) out of spite because he thinks his wife is sleeping with the waiter, but it turns out she’s not sleeping with the waiter, she is sleeping with BOBBY FLAY. Come on, Ari, even you have to admit that that’s kind of hilarious. Ari bursts into a meeting his other agents are having and informs them that he will fire anyone who eats at or recommends a Bobby Flay restaurant. Uh, sure, Ari. Now if you’re done yelling, maybe you should get to the hospital, because your penis just stopped working, because I’ve never heard a more impotent threat in my entire life.
Over at the Warner Bros. lot, Johnny Drama is laying down some audio for a new episode of Johnny Bananas. Man, I’m telling you, this show is terrible, it has absolutely no narrative arc ever, all of the characters are empty cyphers for the entertainment industry’s most despicable characteristics and yet they are somehow trumped up to be figureheads for an idealized and enviable life, and every minute that has ever been spent watching it is a waste of the gift that is human life, but it’s almost all worth it for the very IDEA of an animated show starring Johnny Drama called Johnny Bananas about a monkey. Johnny Drama’s co-star is Andrew Dice Clay, obviously. So glad to see him back! THE DICEONATOR, DICING COPIES!
After the recording session, which lasts less than two hours, which we know, because Johnny Drama won’t shut up about how easy his job is in a way that is confusing because although we all know that job is easy, and we would all assume that job is easy, to shout that in everyone’s face when no one watching the show has that job, and many of the people watching the show might actually be looking for work in this economy, it’s kind of just rude and insulting? Fuck you, Drama! After breezing through another day of work, the Dice Man asks him if he trusts his manager because the Dice Man could use someone to have his back. E tells him that he would be happy to talk to him and Andrew Dice Clay is like “great, how do the next five minutes sound, do you have time in the next five minutes?” Jesus, Andrew Dice Clay, RELAX. No one even knew you were alive five minutes ago. Let us all regroup after the terror of having thought we saw a ghost, and then we will sit down and talk business. E sets him up with a meeting with Walking Bag Of Human Garbage, Scott Caan.
I’m not saying that Scott Caan is a Walking Bag of Human Garbage. But the character that he is playing is. He’s probably just a very good actor! Scott signs The Dice-o-Matic 3000 as his new manager annnnnnd five minutes later Andrew Dice Clay is playing hardball. Whoa! After a test screening for Johnny Bananas (Hahahhahaha Johnny Bananas 4ever) goes very well, Andrew Dice Clay tells Johnny Drama they should threaten to walk unless they get new contracts with pay raises. Right. Very good businessman. Very good at getting and keeping work, as we all know.
Sloane calls E and yells FUCK YOU at him. Yikes. That’s really mean! To patch things up with her, E goes to her house and rifles through her underwear. Hahaha. APOLOGY ACCEPTED! Sloane comes home and yells at him some more. Then something about a watch. Then they sleep together. Later that day, Sloane calls him to tell him that she’s moving to New York but that they should totally keep in touch. E takes the call in front of the whole gang, which is totally normal. Whenever I’m in the middle of an drawn-out breakup with my fiance and she calls me after mysteriously disappearing after some make-up sex, I always make sure to stay within a five foot radius of all my friends. It’s just a nice way to have an important conversation. He seems pretty broken up about it. After he tells the boys what just happened (as if they couldn’t hear him, they were right there, it was weird) and excuses himself to his room, Johnny Drama, one of E’s best friends in the whole world, says, “Poor guy must fuck like dog shit.” POOR GUY MUST FUCK LIKE DOG SHIT. Fade to black. AND THUS ENDS ANOTHER TOUCHING AND INCREDIBLE EPISODE OF “THE ENTOURAGE.”