Eric and Sookie are going at it like a couple of teenagers. Or one teenager and one 900 year old dude in basketball shorts. (Question: was the costume budget slashed this year? You would think that at the very least they could afford more than ONE PAIR of basketball shorts for Eric.) Bill storms in. WHAT WERE YOU BORN IN A VAMPIRE BARN?! Fight fight fight. Teeth teeth teeth. Vampires vampires vampires. Eric overpowers Bill and is about to impale him with a fireplace poker which won’t do anything? It’s supposed to be a tense moment, but it’s not really that tense, because the fireplace poker will literally not do anything. So whatever. It’s like two men fighting and one of the men gets the upperhand and then holds a Nerf gun to the other dude’s head and is like “don’t move or I will waste you.” That is what it is like. Sookie tells Eric not to stab Bill with the fireplace poker because it won’t do anything because they’re vampires no duh he is his Vampire King. Haha. Always funny. It is never not funny when an actor on this show has to talk about fucking Vampire Kings with a straight face. Eric drops the Nerf gun and takes a knee. “Forgive me, my liege.” Ned Stark is like, “Careful, dude. Vampire Winter Is Coming!”

Bill arrests Eric and takes him back to his mansion castle or whatever. “Silver him,” he tells his guards.

Haha. SILVER HIM! Sookie pleads with Bill not to hurt Eric because they are vampire boyfriend and fairy girlfriend now. “He’s going willingly,” she says, “you don’t have to hurt him.” FREE VAMPIRE MUMIA! Bill tells Sookie to shut up because she’s a liar and she tells him to shut up because he’s a liar. You guys, I don’t want to get in the middle of what is obviously a very personal fight based on long-simmering resentments from your romantic past, but what if you BOTH SHUT UP?! These guys know what I’m talking about. Eric tells Sookie not to worry about him and that she’s done enough for him already. Is he talking about his boner? The boner that she gave him? Gross. Sorry. Hey, you know what else is gross? Everything about this show. Down in the Vampire Jail, Eric is put into the same cell as Pam, which seems like a bad idea? I’m no Vampire Prison Warden, but why would you put two vampires with a long herstory of anti-authoritarian collusion together in one Vampire Prison Cell? Pam is like “you are a God and you should fuck your way out of here,” which IS probably what happens in Vampire Shawshank Redemption. For 10 years he fucks a tunnel out of the prison and then he eats Farrah Fawcett. Anyway, Eric tells Pam that he’s not that vampire anymore and Pam is like “pouty/rot face.”

Sookie goes to check on Jason and finds him handcuffed to the bed. Yikes. Although, as surprised and grossed out as she acts, this cannot possibly be the first time that she’s found Jason handcuffed to a bed.

He explains that it is a full moon and he is going to turn into a werepanther and tear her to shreds. “But if you turn into a werepanther won’t your paws just slip out of those handcuffs?” Haha. Good question! It is always weird when this show points out its own internal logic flaws. She insists that they go sit on the porch and drink beers while they wait. There is also one of those brief moments where Sookie is like “Really? A werepanther now? Good lord even I am starting to have trouble willfully suspending my disbelief about this world.” But it passes all too quickly and now it’s just “Poor Jason the werepanther.” Jason runs away so Sookie chases him through the woods with a shotgun. She runs into Alcide in the woods. Also Jessica is in the woods. WOODS PARTY! When was the last time you guys went to the woods? Was it all the time? And was everyone else there? Alcide tells Sookie that you can’t turn into a werepanther just because you got a scratch on your stomach. (P.S. werewolves are racist against werepanthers. That’s a thing!) Sookie doesn’t find Jason because he’s busy lying in the grass with Vampire Jessica talking about what they’re going to do when they get to college.

Vampire Jessica is falling in love with Jason. Aww, what about Hoyt? Poor Hoyt. This show should be called Poor Hoyt and it should just be about Hoyt.

Something something Tara who cares.

Lafayette gets possessed by Killer Bob from Twin Peaks.

It’s a long story. Most of it is in Spanish.

Arlene’s house burns down because of her demon-spawn, so Sam can’t make it to the restaurant. He calls Tommy and asks him to cover for him and promises that they will run together at night under the full moon. Sure, boys. Oh, also, in the preview clip before the episode? Where it says “Previously on this stupid show”? They showed a clip of Sam’s girlfriend telling people around the fire that when shapeshifters kill their parents they become skinwalkers and it’s very useful that they showed us that clip because I did not remember that and oh hey it is very convenient that Tommy just killed his parents because now he looks like Sam.

What a skinwalker. Tommy as Sam goes on a rampage, firing Sookie from the restaurant and fucking Sam’s girlfriend and yelling at everyone a lot. I will hand it to the actor who plays Sam (Sam Trammell) he actually does a really good job of acting like the actor who plays Tommy! Somebody tell BAFTA. Anyway, Sam comes home and finds Tommy all puked out. Poor little guy. It’s tough to walk a mile in another man’s ENTIRE BODY AND ALSO OUTFIT.

Oh, right, the witch. Uh, the witch possesses the lady and she casts a spell on a vampire. Pretty standard witch vs. vampire stuff. Vampire jail. Spanish Inquisition.

You know the drill. Moving on.

Bill is going to give Eric the “true death” for his treason. As is Vampire custom, the “true death” takes place on the front lawn, a little bit off to the side from the porch.

Very sacred. Very ceremonious. Eric submits himself to the true death because he is a changed undead man. He just hopes that after he is gone, Bill can patch things up with Sookie because she deserves happiness. ALRIGHT, LADIES, ARE YOU GOING TO SIT OUTSIDE AND GAB ALL NIGHT OR IS SOMEONE GOING TO GET A GODDAMNED WOODEN STAKE THROUGH THE HEART? Nope! Bill lets Eric go, so Eric runs into the woods and finds Sookie and then they have sex in the woods while a Neko Case song plays.

LOLOLOLOLBARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARFLOLOLOLOL. BARF. BARF. DOUBLE BARF.

R.I.P. Neko Case!

Comments (28)
  1. Remember that time on True Blood when Sookie was fired and then never even brought it up once?

  2. yeah that neko case song was amazing. everything else about this show… not so much.

  3. Curse you Gabe for making me think the phrase “It’s time for me to take my vampire medicine” as I’m not a vampire, and I’m just taking advil.

  4. Ugh what is with Pam’s newfound obsession with talking about fucking everything? Shut up, Pam. “If something gets in your way, just literally fuck it.” –Vampire Logic

  5. About the little party in the woods.

    Sookie walked away to get a beer, and then Jason got so far away in that time that she couldn’t find him even though she was shouting his name very loudly. Also, he was with Jessica, who would probably be able to hear Sookie even if he couldn’t.

    What I’m saying is that this show, even if you are able to set aside the ridiculous supernatural stuff, is very shoddy.

  6. I was really hoping Lafayette and Jesus would sacrifice Tara.

  7. I recently saw Neko Case in concert, and she said she liked that her song was going to be in the show. (The episode was even named “I Wish I Was the Moon”!). I mean, she even recorded a version of “She’s Not There” for the season premiere. But, she wrote this about her dad…and they played it during crazy vampire sex.

    • I cannot tell you how much it irritates me that every episode is named after a fucking song in the episode. Ugh. For four years now it’s annoyed the shit out of me.

      • Totally. Especially season Two, episode three, titled “Convoy.”

      • It just makes me think of how Degrassi did it and how once they exhausted the obvious options it was always a crazy stretch to justify the title to the episode. I assume True Blood has/will have the same silly problem.

      • Grey’s Anatomy does it, too. I mean, wait, does it? Just kidding, I shouldn’t know that………..

  8. I am continually more and more glad that I don’t watch this show.
    Here’s to everyone who never has to watch an episode of this crap!
    Thanks Gabe for watching tho, laughing at/with your pain is surprisingly enjoyable.

  9. I liked the part where that one lady who just finished having sex with Tommy-Sam says that the sex was different from what she expected. Something about it feeling like she was having sex with someone she hadn’t met before? Like a stranger? What?

    Did he sit on her left hand before sex? Or is this like a thing that is true for shapeshifters when they have sex with someone for the first time? Like either it feels familiar or it doesn’t. I don’t get it.

    • “I feel like I just had sex with someone that I have never had sex with before, which is true in this case.”

    • Okay now that I am typing this out it seems really prosaic and obvious but wasn’t it just that she was having sex with an actual stranger who was wearing the skin of the person she knew and thought she was having sex with and that’s why it felt weird and different from what she expected? Ugh, this show!

  10. My favorite part was after Pam explained to Erik what a brave Viking he was, he was all…

    “I DON’T WANT MY VAMPIRE LIFE!!”

    • I really loved Vampire Bill’s vampire emotions while he was standing on the porch and sipping on some drink while Vampire Erik boned his fairy ex-girlfriend. I keep forgetting that vampires are well known for being real emotional like teenagers, it’s a gift and a curse.

  11. This episode was great because even though it was awful it was actually not boring, like every previous episode this season has been. I’ll take stupid over boring any day of the week.

  12. “A girl’s gotta eat.” – Neko Case

  13. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  14. i miss game of thrones

  15. More Game of Thrones references in True Blood reviews, plz!

  16. Gabe, you’re a genius.

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