The low budget zombie chase marathon in Maryland that we talked about yesterday is for little babies in diapers. If you really want to have a good time, you GOTTA go to Universal Studios where Eli Roth has been paid to say that he helped put together a Hostel-themed attraction. Wait, a what? From a Universal Studios press release (via EW):

Eli Roth, the multi-talented director, writer, producer and actor, will adapt his enormously successful “Hostel” film franchise to create “Eli Roth’s Hostel: Hunting Season,” a twisted new “Halloween Horror Nights® maze at Universal Studios Hollywood(SM). The event begins on September 23 and continues on select nights through October 31.

“Hostel: Hunting Season,” for which Universal will build elaborate sets re-creating locations in Slovakia, will mark the horror auteur and star’s first effort at transforming his screen work into a live theme park experience. The maze will re-imagine the film’s dehumanizing torture chambers and send guests on a spiraling journey through the corrupt halls of Elite Hunting’s torture factory. Elite Hunting, a secret society that tortures and kills American youth for sport in exchange for large sums of money, will prowl the factory and prey on its many maze visitors.

Oh gross! That is very gross. “The maze will re-imagine the film’s dehumanizing torture chambers”? COOL USE OF THE WORD DEHUMANIZING, DON DRAPER. Look, I refuse to watch Eli Roth’s movies at this point because me and my brain had a sit down one night and we came the mutual agreement that she didn’t need those kinds of awful things inside of her. That’s what my brain said. But I understand why people like horror movies. I mean, I don’t understand it, but I understand the idea. They like to be scared because it’s an adrenaline rush and also because it allows them to exorcise some of their actual fears about the genuinely scary world that we live in, and so by the end of the movie these monsters people who like horror movies actually feel BETTER. (I do think that some of the specifics of torture porn” as a genre might warrant further discussion as far as the whole expression-of-the-collective-subconscious side of horror movies is concerned, because YIKES THAT IS OUR COLLECTIVE-SUBCONSCIOUS, but for now can we get back to what the hell is this ride?!) What the hell is this ride?!

I’ve heard of haunted houses, but this is ridiculous! If someone wants to actually feel like they are being chased through a grimy, abandoned, Eastern European dungeon factory a thousand miles from friends and family by a rich sadist who views the murder of young people as sport, THEN PUT THOSE PEOPLE IN A HOSPITAL WHERE THEY BELONG AND HAVE A DOCTOR TALK TO THEM ABOUT LEXAPRO TO SEE IF IT IS RIGHT FOR THEM. Ugh, this whole thing is so gross. I hate it. Also, listen to this liar:

Eli Roth, said: “I am so happy to join forces with the creative team at Universal. Our collaborative vision to bring ‘Hostel’ to life will give both fans of my movie and horror fans a scare they could never have imagined. People will have a chance to experience some exact moments from their favorite ‘Hostel’ scenes, along with some new surprises.

“I was honored to receive an Eyegore Award at last year’s ‘Halloween Horror Nights’ event, and began talking to Universal about a ‘Hostel’ maze even then. This is something I’ve dreamed of for years. I may even dress up and appear in the maze one night as a torturer. So when you say ‘I scared you,’ you can literally mean that I scared you!”

First of all, it is 2011. We all know what a licensing deal is. Eli Roth hasn’t been hard at work with the Universal design team to make this thing. He has been back at Cocaine Manor, taking bong rips with Quentin Tarantino in the Boom Boom Room and talking about how much they fucking RESPECT women. But also, that last line about “so when you say ‘I scared you,’ you can literally mean that I scared you” is so funny because that is one of the dumbest lines in a long time. So funny. LIke, it’s definitely not going to be him that is scaring you, it’s going to be an underpaid would-be actor who used up all his vacation days from his job waiting tables to be a part of this. And also, even if it was Eli Roth, he probably wouldn’t even be able to go through with it before putting down the nail gun and pulling off his latex sociopath mask to let you in on his funny secret.

What a world we live in. I hope Bernie Madoff reads this in jail so that he knows that despite all the trouble he caused, we’re doing great. How pissed is the Saw rollercoaster right now? She’s probably in her dressing room smearing lipstick on her face and singing “I Feel Pretty.” (Thanks for the tip, Rich.)

Comments (48)
  1. Whatever happened to kids just being scared of the Frankenstein?

  2. This is just like that time where I teamed up with Jodie Foster to open an exact replica of the bar from The Accused.

  3. Torture porn movies made into amusement park rides= BNPG?
    I’ll start with the Human Centipede train.

  4. Gabe seems Hostel to this idea.

  5. When I was a tween, I went to Universal Studios Halloween Horror Night and everywhere I went, guys in masks with chainsaws would jump out from the shadows and chase me. I maybe peed myself a little bit. That was dehumanizing enough, thank you.

    • I don’t mind admitting that when I was a tween I got in line for Tower of Terror (TERROR! It’s heights. That’s what people thought was terrifying in 1994 haha loloLOLolol) and I stood in the whole line and then bailed at the last second, because I was scared. #honestygum

    • “cakeordeath” is our generations Hugh Jackman

    • On a marching band trip (WHEE!) to California in high school, my friends and I decided to be brave and go to the Van Helsing house instead of seeing the dolphin show (bad choice). By the time we made it out, we were all crying and sputtering about how we though it was awesome (lies).
      BUT THEN we decided to go again because we KNEW what was going to happen this time around! And we were going to be brave little trumpet players! Turns out they had a shift change, so everything was different. They added cast members to a room that was nearly empty before, and we were not prepared.
      My best friend, leading the pack, was so shocked by the little person jumping out at her that she shrieked and KICKED HIM IN THE FACE.
      She still has the left sneaker from that day, which is covered in little person nose blood.

  6. I do enjoy horror films, for the reasons you mentioned about (with regard to confronting fears in a relatively safe manner because no doy there are not actually any ghosts trying to kill me (right?)) but I have to agree with the Yikes here. I don’t want to be a part of any dehumanizing torture! I am a little sad that I have to type that sentence out! :(

    • “I don’t want to be a part of any dehumanizing torture!” – most people, I hope

    • There’s a very loose Venn diagram of Horror, Torture Porn, and Horror/Torture Porn. There’s straight up horror (Paranormal Activity, REC), and of course straight up torture porn (Saw, Hostel). I tend to think that horror films are sooooooo much better than torture porn films (’cause they are), but there are films that effectively combine both (Inside, Frontier(s), Martyrs).

      My point being, yes, a Hostel themed amusement park (can we talk about the irony of the title “amusement” park?) is YIKES and a half, but don’t completely dismiss the gore genre, ’cause there are some legit titles out there.

      (Was this actually a response to your point? Am I totally making my own point here? I’m sorry. I like to talk I guess…)

      • DSN, I thought I was one of the few whose eyes were raped by Martyrs. DON’T WATCH THIS MOVIE, YOU GUYS.

      • I shy away from torture porn after almost puking during Hostel. You do make good points though – every genre will likely have its gems amidst the Saws and the Centipedes. I personally enjoy movies that confront nonhuman horrors, since human horror is all around us and I am not really sure how to confront that. I will give those movies a look, though. The more you know!

        • When I say that there are good ones out there, it by no means indicates that they are ready for mainstream consumption. They are good within their respective genre(s). If Hostel was too much for you, NEVER SEE ANY OF THE MOVIES I LISTED.

          • I thank you for the warning. I think that my biggest problem with Hostel, aside from not really liking watch someone get tortured, is that the plot was really weak. I feel weird saying that I liked Audition, but at least everything terrible that happened in that movie fit with the plot, whereas Hostel seemed like it was built up around the gorn aspect. If that makes sense.

            tl:dr I am going to watch kitten videos on youtube all weekend.

          • There’s a safe bet, LBT.

    • I have to admit that I don’t see a fundamental difference between this and any number of haunted house attractions that pop up around Halloween. You go into a dark, loud twisty maze and teenagers in masks and fake weapons jump out and scare you and chase you a bit. Every once in while there’s a tableau of some horror scene.

      It sounds very much like this is going to be a very similar thing, only with a theme. If that’s not your deal, I totally understand, but I cant see working up a head of steam about the Hostel house and only the Hostel house.

      • That is very fair. These types of haunted houses in general are not my thing, I guess, and my brain is a little werded out by the combination of movie theme ride (which in my brain = lame) and Hostel (which = puke city and also cringing and ow that looks awful and oh god my tendon hurts from watching that). However, if anyone is in Minneapolis, the Soap Factory haunted basement is SO CREEPY and not really torture porn-y at all (at least in my memory)

  7. I’m guessing the de-humanizing torture part will be standing in line for this attraction.

  8. Will they supply jizz mops or will the sickos who love this shit have to bring their own?

  9. “…when you say ‘I scared you,’ you can literally mean that I scared you!”

    That’s a good example of David Cross’ bad uses of the word “literal.” And not because he wouldn’t be literally scaring someone if he jumped out at them wearing a torturer suit.

    Because the figurative version of that situation never happened. Nobody ever watched Hostel and then literally said “Eli Roth scared me.” 90% of the people that saw it said things along the lines of “Whoa. That movie was gross.”

  10. “Eli Roth, the multi-talented director, writer, producer and actor” – hahahahahahahaha

  11. As a person who spends days setting up a haunted maze in his front yard every Halloween and then dresses up with some friends and scares/entertains the children and parents who go through the front yard, this sounds pretty cool. I wish I had a fucking outrageous budget to make a for-real haunted house. I’ve been to the haunted houses in Niagara Falls and they are some of the more thrilling and adrenaline-fueled experiences I’ve had. The experiences are very well crafted, for the most part.

    Some people take delight in being scared. It’s a rush. It makes you laugh. I am one of those people and if I lived in Florida, I would probably check this out.

  12. When I was a kid, there was a section of Paramount Kings Dominion in Virginia dedicated exclusively to Wayne’s World. Of course I was a child so I’d never seen it, but there was a ride called The Hurler, which I don’t know where I was going with this, except to point out that I remember things that happened before what is happening right now.

  13. I saw Hostel for the first time in September but i guess nobody told me what we were watching and it was suppoesed to be a funny joke i guess (my friends all believe they are comedians), so i thought it was a movie about a Eurotrip, but then shit hit the fan, and my barf hit the floor, and then i was way gone.

    This amusment park is not for me.

    • That reminds me of when a guy I knew said he showed his girlfriend Audition after leading her to believe it was a romantic drama. Sort of a little funny even though it’s also horrible.

  14. I don’t understand why so many people (the author of this article included) seem so upset by this ride being made.

    I hate horror movies. every gruesome frame stays burned in my head for days or weeks and I don’t find that to be a “good” experience. I have been pressured into watching two saw movies, and even though I watched them with my eyes half open and half covered by my hands I still cant hear the movie name without those images flashing back in my head.

    I also saw some of Hostel. when it first came out on DVD I had the bad fortune of walking into the apartment when my roommates were in the living room watching it. I happened to walk in when someone was taking a power drill to someone tied in a chair.

    I didn’t even see the human Centipede but I have heard enough about it to get some pretty unappealing images running through my head anytime I see the DVD cover.

    Even though I cant stand these types of movies I understand that these movies have many many fans who enjoy being scared/grossed out.

    why get upset that people want to take the fear they feel and enjoy while watching these movies one step further by having a more immerse experience while still keeping it in a safe setting? as far as i can tell its not much different than all the other mazes based on movies such as saw that Universal studios, Six flags, knott’s makes every year.

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