battleship_new_years

Two new movie trailers came out today, you guys, and they’re both really terrible! First, we have the trailer for the sequel to Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve, which is a romantic comedy about the Most Magical Night of the Year. The first movie, Valentine’s Day, is one of the few movies I have ever turned off in disgust after only a few minutes. As you may know, I have a pretty high tolerance for watching bad movies, but oh brother, that one was unbearable. It felt like my brain was getting pulled out of my nose by an unhappy married couple that couldn’t stop fake laughing. The other trailer today is for the much-anticipated Peter Berg adaptation of the popular board game Battleship. Now, a round of applause for our boy Peter Berg for even managing to finish a whole movie based on the movie Battleship without just stopping two seconds in and saying “WAIT A SECOND, THIS IS A MOVIE BASED ON THE BOARD GAME BATTLESHIP AND THAT VERY PREMISE IS MAKING ME FEEL BOTH STUPID AND INSANE!” And let’s not have any confusion: I WILL end up seeing it in the theater, I’m sure. But what I’m going to be seeing in the theater looks terrible!

TO YOUR TRAILERSTATIONS!

New Year’s Eve trailer:

<a href='http://entertainment.msn.com/video/?from={from}&#038;videoId=6be75520-e67d-4fa6-9c27-a7bae1bfd347' target='_new' title='&#39;New Year&#39;s Eve&#39; movie trailer' >Video: &#39;New Year&#39;s Eve&#39; movie trailer</a>

Oh wow yuck! “Some people swear there’s no beauty left in the world.” Right. People are constantly swearing that. It’s almost cliche now how often you hear that. Even better, of course, is that the counter-argument is…New Year’s Eve in Times Square? OH GOOD GRIEF, LET’S ALL JUST KILL OURSELVES. Can we please as a race of mammals finally agree that there is nothing romantic about one million of us crowding into an urban shopping mall surrounded by uniformed police officers in order to stand around in the cold waiting for the clock to strike a particular hour of a particular day with periodic breaks to use a porta-potty? If that’s what you want to do for fun, that’s fine, please knock yourself out (because you can’t see anything because your 2012 sunglasses are too dark) but it’s not any kind of idealized vision of any world that any of us should want to live in. It’s a living nightmare! LET’S GET MARRIED!

Battleship:

HHAHAHAHAHAHA. “Which weapons should I fire, sir?” “ALL OF THEM.” This movie looks even dumber than I would have thought, and I already thought it was going to look pretty dumb. So the premise is that the aliens put a forcefield down in the Pacific Ocean and the Army HAS TO play Battleship with them? “You sunk my spaceship!” Can’t wait for that part. “You sunk my spaceship!” Hahaha. Again. “You sunk my spaceship!” Also, quick question: I’m a coward and a Communist, but is the Navy’s policy when dealing with an unknown foreign ship in the waters just off the coast of the United States really just to have some dude walk on it and touch everything? I CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

So, you be the blog: which one is MORE terrible?!

Comments (68)
  1. Battleship? More like Seamen & Aliens, am I right?

  2. So does this mean you will never sit through the entirety of Valetine’s Day, which means it will never be included in the Hunt? MY HEART IS BREAKING

  3. I love that it is associated with “Battleship” the board game b/c they don’t have radar. The only way this movie would be worth it is if Liam Neeson says angrily to the aliens “You sunk my battleship,” cuing the audience to know that NOW he’s really mad at them, and boy are they gonna get it “Taken” style.

  4. Well, Battleship trailer is the only trailer that is hilarious, and New Year’s Eve trailer is for the supposed comedy, so…

  5. So at first I thought Neal McDonough was the lead of Battleship, and I thought “Fair enough, good on him for getting the lead in a widely-publicized if terrible looking movie.” But its Liam Neeson? First off, what the hell, eyes, they look nothing alike! Second, what the hell, Liam Neeson, this sounds like perhaps not the best decision you could have made. I will mail you $15.00 to NOT be in this movie, Liam Neeson!

  6. Not to pick nits here, but New Year’s Eve isn’t a sequel to Valentine’s Day. They have a number of returning actors and actresses, but they play different characters. It’s more of a spiritual sequel.

    BOOM! I just sunk your blogpostship!

    • I just can’t wait for the threequel, New Year’s Day, in which a bunch of famous actors lay on the couch watching Bourne marathons and eating takeout.

  7. Dialog we can anticipate:

    “Captain, the tumor? It turns out it was B9.”
    “I’m grateful you told me B4 I called my wife!”

    “The aliens are using C4!”

    “You’ve revealed the secret plans, Jenkins?? A2, Jenkins?!?”

    “Don’t try 2B a hero, Smith. Just B1.”

  8. Sarah Jessica Parker? Ashton Kutcher? Zac Efron? Lea Michele? Katherine (World’s Greatest Monster) Heigl? New Years Eve is like a Voltron of Suck.

    • It pains me to say this, but out of all the horrible that was the NYE trailer, Katherine Heigl* was the least horrible. bizarre. and definitely means that NYE will be worse

      *The sinker of all insufferabattleships

  9. New Years Eve is like 200 Cigarettes, but set in the future!

  10. Hmm… feeling awful about Robert de Niro’s career path versus feeling awful about Liam Neeson’s career path. New Year’s Eve edges it in the “why are you appearing in this shit?! You’re a serious actor!” stakes.

  11. I’m gonna need a drink after watching those trailers. But which drinks should I drink, you ask? All of them.

  12. Liam Neeson: “Commander, fire to B-7.”

    Commander: “Sir…do we…dare?”

    Liam Neeson: “JUST DO IT!”

    Commander: *shakes head in bewilderment* “Fire on B-7.”

    *Beat* *Beat* *Beat*

    Commander: “DIRECT HIT! You did it, Sir! We…We…”

    Liam Neeson: “We sunk their battleship.”

  13. Gabe is especially upset about Battleship since it reminds him of the horrors he witnessed serving in the navy during WWI and WWII

  14. New Year’s Eve has to be worse, because that movie is going to ask me to become emotionally involved, which is just insulting. Battleship looks stunningly idiotic, but I can only get so worked up about a movie that’s basically just Vampire Eric and Tim Riggins fighting aliens in the navy.

  15. Battleship looks terrible, but let’s not pretend that the very idea of a board game based movie is an inherently bad idea.

    • BEST MOVIE EVER…

      “Well, someone’s got to break the ice, and it might as well be me. I mean, I’m used to being a hostess, it’s part of my husband’s work, and it’s always difficult when a group of new friends meet together for the first time, to get acquainted, so I’m perfectly prepared to start the ball rolling. I mean, I have absolutely no idea what we’re doing here, or what I’m doing here, or what this place is about, but I am determined to enjoy myself. And I’m very intrigued, and, oh my, this soup’s delicious, isn’t it?”

      Sad fact- I didn’t cut and paste that quote. It’s part of me.

    • I first read this as a knock to this movie and I was all “Flames!! FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE!!!”

    • Also best series of endings of a movie ever.

  16. I wonder if Sarah Jessica Parker’s character in New Year’s Eve will finally let herself go and wear something chic; that’s something I’d like to see from her, as an actress, for sure. WATCH OUT, UNTRODDEN GROUND, THIS MOVIE IS HEADED YOUR WAY

  17. I want to see Battleship just to see Riggins and Landry’s blissful reunion when they realize they are assigned to the same ship. Clear eyes, F-3, can’t miss!

  18. ‘New Year’s Eve’ is easily the more terrible of the two. That moment where Michelle Pfeiffer hands Zac Efron a list of her resolutions (or something) is going to make so many people cringe. Can’t wait for ‘Easter Sunday’ starring Queen Latifah, Sharon Stone, Elle Fanning, Chord Overstreet, John Cusack, Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith, Jaden Smith, Willow Smith, Collin Hanks, Justin Bieber, Maya Angelou, Common and Dr. Demento.

    ‘Battleship’ both amuses and scares the living shit out of me. I remember looking at the 2011 schedule for movie releases in December ’10 and thinking we were in for the worst year for film in the planet’s cultural history. But then I see shit like the ‘Battleship’ trailer and try in vain to resist the idea that 2012 will likely be much, much worse.

    … But seriously is Liam Neeson going to scream ‘You sunk my battleship!’ or not? If he doesn’t I won’t go but if he does I’ll go. It would be our generation’s ‘RELEASE THE KRAKKEN!’, which of course was that generation’s ‘I am tired of these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking PLANE!’

  19. This the ending of Battleship Spoiler Alert!

    Explosions! Fade to white.

    Fade to a little boy perched on the edge of a hospital bed with bandages wrapped around his head playing Battleship with his father. The sterile grey of the room is oppressive, but the boy smiles wide anyway.

    Boy: D4!
    Father: You sunk my alien battleship argh! We need to retreat to space – We’ll get you next time earthlings!
    Boy: Oh Dad.
    Father: You’re a hero.

    The boy hugs his father. They embrace as the camera slowly dollies away.

    And. Scene.

  20. “It felt like my brain was getting pulled out of my nose by an unhappy married couple that couldn’t stop fake laughing.” I am nominating this sentence for a “Best Sentences of the Year” award.

  21. Why does Valentine’s Day get a sequel? Was Valentine’s Day like this high demand blockbuster smash? Because I never heard that. I only heard it was terrible and no one on Earth liked it.

  22. I mean, I know that Battleship looks very terrible, but is there any doubt which of these two trailers is worse? I mean….


    RIGGINSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

  23. I actually don’t think Battleship: The Movie is the worst concept for a movie. If/When Madlibs: The Movie comes out, then I will think Hollywood has truly hit rock bottom.

  24. a stunning amount of battleship appears to be armageddon: part 2, except at sea and not on an asteroid, with aliens.

  25. Aren’t they actually making a CandyLand movie or did I make that up in a fever dream?

  26. Valentine’s Day does depict my fantasy: Empty subway platforms on NYE.

  27. They are both terrible in their own way.
    Having to choose which one is worse is like asking someone which of their children they dislike more.

    New Years Eve might be worse based on using Raise Your Glass by Pink in the trailer.

    The depressing thing is Battleship will probably make a boatload (ouch) of money no matter how bad it is and then Hollywood will make an Operation movie, and a Mousetrap movie (starring Jim Carrey obviously), and a Boggle movie.

  28. I hope that New Years movie ends with Michelle Pfieffer and Zac Effron having some kind of sexual encounter. If the Pfief still has some functioning eggs left, they’d have the most attractive, soft featured baby ever.

  29. Whenever I watch trailers for movies loaded to the gills with celebrities looking to make some bank, the only source of pleasure I can derive is trying to guess which ones are big enough to have their name actually said by Trailer Narrator, and who gets left behind.
    So, fuck you New Year’s Eve trailer for taking that away from me and just flashing all of them.

  30. New Years looks a hundred times worse. How do you make a movie that is obviously five hours long and not have three seconds of anything at all charming to put in the trailer?

  31. oh man, i cannot stop laughing at the battleship trailer! at first, all the lines about taylor kitsch becoming an officer faster than anyone else in the history of the navy and being a dangerous hotshot made me think the movie writers had definitely, at least, seen topgun. then the thunderdome force field appeared (along w/ my laughter), and i realized this movie Is our generation’s topgun – because that was the only thing the movie lacked, aliens.

    Taylor Kitsch: “Yeah! We sunk those E.T.’s battleship good!”

    A.Skars: “I still think you are a dangerous hotshot, but you can be my first mate anytime!”

    Taylor Kitsch: “Bullshit! You can be mine.”

    *laughter* *shirtless high five*

  32. “Hungry Hungry Hippos” starring Kevin James (as Orange Hippo), Jack Black (as Green Hippo), Patton Oswalt (as Yellow Hippo) and Craig Robinson (as Pink Hippo). IT’S ALREADY HAPPENING

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