espnmovie

Twentieth Century Fox has acquired the film rights for ESPN: Those Guys Have All the Fun, the oral history of ESPN, put together by James Andrew Miller and Tom Shales. From Deadline:

The book is a gossipy journey about how that venture turned from a 1970s joke that started with broadcasts of Australian rules football and rodeo, to a dominant brand in the sporting world that broadcast pro football and baseball games and become arguably the most profitable cable network ever created.

NO WAIT, hold on! Wake up! Ahhh did I lose you? Are you awake again yet? Ok, great. Although Michael De Luca and Dana Brunetti, who turned Accidental Billionaires into The Social Network, are on board as producers, and hey The Social Network was a pretty good movie, THIS movie sounds like the most boring movie I have ever heard of in my entire life. And I have heard of upwards of 30 movies, and they ALL bore me. So that is really saying something. The only thing more boring to me than this movie, and I’m being perfectly honest here, would be a movie about Home Depot. Not like the history of Home Depot, but just about GOING to Home Depot to look around. But luckily no one has signed on to write, direct, or star in this snoozefest yet so there is still time to make it appeal to those in the 20-30 mostly caucasian demo let’s be honest, who read Stereogum and haven’t quiet nailed down their personal style yet but they’re closer than they were two years ago and at least they’re making some progress. 

Genre: Young Emotional Light Comedy, Ensemble Cast

Directed By: The Duplass Brothers

Written/Adapted By: Aaron Sorkin

Punch Up: Noah Baumbach

Starring:

  • Jesse Eisenberg
  • Mila Kunis

Also Starring:

  • Vincent Gallo
  • Peter Kraus
  • Bobb’e J Thompson
  • Mark Ruffalo and Rory Culkin circa 2000
  • Ryan Gosling
  • Paul Rudd
  • T.I.
  • Carey Mulligan
  • Gillian Jacobs
  • Emma Stone
  • Bryan Cranston

Score By:

  • St. Vincent
  • Britt Daniel, of Spoon
  • J Mascis
  • Robyn

Score Produced By:

  • David Byrne

Plot:

Jesse Eisenberg has a college radio station. Mila Kunis isn’t that interested in college radio, but decides to sign up for her own college radio station after hearing that, once she has her own station, she can get an all access pass to CMJ [CMJ will be renamed and this will all be set in the '70s] and a trip to NYC. She is not very good at college radio and Jesse often gets frustrated with her, but you can tell that probably he likes her too because hello it’s Mila Kunis and he is a nerd. Peter Kraus is the teacher that is in charge of the college radio stations and he is tough but lovable and knows when to crack a joke. He’s a father figure to them both. It is never discussed what type of music is played on either of their college radio stations, but you can tell that probably you would like it — Jesse’s is probably more New York rocky, because it’s the ’70s, and Mila’s is probably more like dancey mixed with New York rocky.

So it turns out that only TWO people get to get all access passes to CMJ. Whatever, etc., the two people are Mila Kunis and Jesse Eisenberg. THEY HAVE TO SHARE A HOTEL ROOM? Oh no! At one point Mila makes Jesse cover his eyes when she gets undressed but he sneaks a peek. They go to CMJ and meet all the other characters — Vincent Gallo is some sort of promoter who is on drugs, Mark Ruffalo and Rory Culkin are brothers, Bryan Cranston is a guy who’s trying to do something bad you think at first, but then it turns out he is someone who was trying to do something good. Everyone else is either in a band or is a DJ. TI is in a band, specifically, and it’s a beach rock band.

Jesse meets Carey Mulligan who is in a poppy band that’s also smart and you think he’s going to fall for her. Mila notices them getting along and realizes her love for Jesse. Jesse never liked Carey anyway and was just being friendly to get her band onto his radio show, which you think is sleazy at first, but then you realize it’s because they have a song he was going to dedicate to Mila.

At the end of the movie Jesse is called in for a meeting with Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling says, “Jesse, I love your radio show. You have a charisma that is undeniable. Would you like to start a sports network called ESPN?” Jesse says, “I don’t know — Well, no, yes let’s do it.” And then there is a one minute montage of ESPN from that point until now.

The End

Comments (36)
  1. Fake and Silver Lake.

  2. Twentieth Century Fox bought the rights to Kelly’s film since this post went up, but for some reason they cut a check to Gabe.

  3. I like sports and i don’t care who knows

  4. E S Pee N starring Hugh Jackman and Fergie

  5. A better idea for a sports movie would be Madden: The Game: The Movie. They could just refilm it every year with small changes in the cast, and have a guaranteed summer blockbuster MACHINE.

  6. Johnny Marr isn’t doing the score? This is bullshit.

  7. But what character will Bobb’e J Thompson play? That kid is awesome, but I think he is too young to be in a band or a DJ.

  8. Any movie with 2 members of my top 5 (Ryan Gosling & Paul Rudd) may cause me to self-combust, but I’d still watch that.

  9. Also, Jessie Eisenberg starts getting popular and does some drugs but then Mila Kunis sees him doing drugs and Jessie Eisenberg says, “Wait, [Mila,] it’s not what you think!” And Mila Kunis says, “You’re right [Jessie.] [beat] I thought you were different.” [REGINA SPEKTOR SONG CAMERA PULLS OUT FROM JESSIE EISENBERG'S SHOCKED FACE] But then it turns out that Jessie Eisenberg was different just like she thought and nobody ever does drugs again.

    • Woah woah woah, let’s save these comments for the ABC Family pitch or possible sequel with an off-brand Mila and an off-brand Jesse, but definitely with the guy who played Daniel on Ugly Betty as the Peter Krause character.

  10. Welcome to the Big Show . . . Of Love.

  11. Everybody Samba Please Now!: THE MOVIE #IndiaBootleg

  12. Good thing Kelly isn’t a Hollywood bigwig or we’d be seeing a lot more of Vincent Gallo’s greasy sperm face.

  13. I hope Justin Timberlake, who does not have enough jobs, can cameo as Howie Long! After a regiment of neck steroids, of course!

  14. I have nothing to say except that I just really like this post. Nice work Kelly.

  15. I would watch this movie. I’d also like a cameo by Keith Olbermann as a gruff father who begrudgingly accepts his son or daughter’s love for music instead of becoming a doctor or whatever. Because my knowledge of ESPN is that Keith Olbermann was on it.

  16. J Mascis would never be able to work with those other people. He scores the whole thing… or he walks. Your move.

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