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Tommy kills his parents with a lead pipe in the mobile billiards home. Fearful that he will be caught and thrown in jail, Tommy jumps in his car and drives out of town as quickly as he can. He cuts his hair short, gets a pair of eyeglasses with non-prescription lenses, grows a moustache, and buys a fake ID from a black market character he knows from his old dog fighting days. Tommy uses what little savings he has to open a hardware store, and sets himself up in a new town with a new identity and we never hear from him ever again. The end. I wish. Unfortunately, Tommy loads his parents’ corpses into a van and drives over to Sam’s place and we have to keep watching stuff about him. They drive the bodies out the swamp but uh oh Andy Bellefleur pulls them over (quick poll: how often do you guys have an interaction with the same police officer in your town? It’s at least once a week, I know, but is it also sometimes more than once a week?) and demands to see what is in the back: just an old gator. You boys are free to go. I guess Tommy turned into the gator? Not sure what he did with the garbage bags full of human beings, but who cares. They throw mommy and daddy into the swamp and Sam tells Tommy that he has killed people before. Cool. He’s super chill about it. Sam is just a cool dude. One of the most sensitive murderers. Then he throws some marshmallows in the water and the alligators eat their parents because alligators like marshmallows and Tommy should know that, the point is let’s move on.
Back in the woods, the Witch Gang is still yelling at Marnie about making the vampires mad at them. Guys, Marnie sucks. I mean, if you want to have a Witch Club in the back of your Gems Store, that’s fine. And if you want to have some Italian witch from a Barilla ad possess your batik muumuu and make the vampire’s face fall off, that’s fine, but then don’t act all surprised when people are like “the fuck, Marnie?!” Like, she keeps putting people who are NOT being possessed by an Italian it’s not delivery it’s Digiorno witch in danger with the vampires and when they complain to her about that she is like “don’t have a cow, dudes. It’s all good.” Ugh, it is not all good, Marnie!
Sookie goes to Marnie’s Yarn and Kambucha Store and asks for a seance or whatever. Marnie is kind of a dick to her about it, because apparently the Yarn and Kambucha Store is doing such big business that she can afford to be rude and dismissive towards potential new customers. “If anything, business is too good, as you can tell by the fact that my store is completely empty and it’s very difficult to tell what it is we even offer here.” She has visions of Sookie’s grandma (“I see an old grandma in an apron,” “That’s my grandma!”) and then Sookie hears her grandma’s voice in Marnie’s head telling her not to marry Vampire Eric and also to run out of the store. Sookie slowly gathers her things and excuses herself. “Where are you going?” Marnie asks. “When my grandma tells me to run, I run,” Sookie says. WELL THEN WHY AREN’T YOU RUNNING?! Your grandma didn’t tell you to make sure not to leave any of your belongings behind and tip your spirit waitress generously.
Meanwhile, Vampire Bill’s great-great-great-granddaughter shows up wanting to fuuuuuuuck but he won’t fuck her brains out because she’s his great-great-great-granddaughter at which point she delivers what has to be one of the most insane defenses of incest that has ever been delivered. (Unlike those other more reasonable and well-researched defenses of incest.) It goes something like “incest is fine because I want to fuck you” followed up with “we can’t even have retarded incest Hills Have Eyes babies anyway so get over here and fucking fuck me.” Unfortunately, she doesn’t rest her case, so Vampire Bill glamours her out of wanting to fuck him. She runs out of his office screaming. Booooo!
Vampire Eric has a dream about Godric where they both eat Sookie and then he wakes up and basketball shortses it up all over the house.
He goes up to Sookie’s room and scares her but then he is like “I had a bad dream.” What are you, a 1200-year-old? Grow up. She has him lay his head in her lap and cry his blood tears all over her comforter.
Aww, he misses his maker. SO SAD, I’M SURE. (This show.) Later on, Tara will eat all the ice cream (“do you have any more ice cream, I’ve only eaten an entire pint of ice cream”) and then Eric will surprise her and she will freak out and run all the way back to New Orleans (THANK GOODNESS) but not before giving a laundry list of Vampire Eric’s previous crimes and so Vampire Eric will sit on the couch and be like “did I really do all those terrible things that your friend said I did?” and Sookie will say yes and then they will make out on the porch. Huh. So I guess when the disembodied voice of her dead grandmother tells her to leave a World of Warcraft Store she listens, but when the disembodied voice of her dead grandmother tells her not to get in love with a confused vampire she is just like “Shut up, Ghost.”
Jason has a sex dream about Jessica. But also about Hoyt. It’s Facebook-level complicated.
Alcide argues with some dirtbag about boots.
Tara’s mom brushes Arlene’s house with sage.
And Lafayette got a haircut.
There’s this whole thing about Lafayette’s boyfriend killing a goat with his grandpa and licking a knife when he was a little boy and feeling energy that he needs or something and how they have to go to Mexico and get his grandpa to kill more goats because that way they can lick all the knives and somehow that has something to do with protecting themselves from Strip Mall Witches and Night Club Vampires? I don’t know. Send a postcard!
Wish You Were Here!
The hot-librarian from Witch Party shows up at Marnie’s store (does Marnie sleep on a cot in the back of the store? Why don’t you ensorcel yourself an apartment, you stupid witch?!) and asks her how Witch Town is going and Marnie is like “it’s going super good, we are totally being watched over and protected,” at which point hot-librarian is like “no you’re not” and the vampire SWAT team bursts in, which is actually pretty funny. “No you’re not.” GOTCHA, MARNIE!
The vampire SWAT team locks her in a cell in Vampire King Bill’s basement. It’s interesting how many houses in this small, backwoods town have high security JAIL CELLS built into their basements. Pam is so mad about her hamburger face.
But Marnie says that she doesn’t know how to reverse the spell. Then there is a boring Vampire Herstory Lecture 101 in the living room because some black vampire doesn’t know anything. So typical. The point, though, is that Pam lets it slip that she knows where Eric is hiding and (next week) Bill catches Eric and Sookie making out. Uh oh! BIZARRE VAMPIRE LOVE TRIANGLE AGE OF CONSENT!
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New Order joke! They are the zombie Joy Division, etc.
“It’s Facebook level complicated.” is now a thing everyone will say, right?
The first sentence of this recap could just as easily be said in a game of Clue: White Trash Edition.
It’s funny that Sam could probably just stop all of the town’s problems if he decided to take a trip to the friggin zoo. But, no it’s just too far a drive and gas is like four bucks a gallon nowadays.
The witch isn’t Italian, she’s Spanish. The “flash backs” are from the Spanish Inquisition.
DOYOYOYOYOYOYOYO
And in her defense it’s not her fault she was caught and killed, because…
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
I liked the Barilla pasta joke, but I’m happy I wasn’t the only one to notice she is/was Spanish. It’s like Gabe doesn’t care about this show he hates & we make him watch ; )
Does Lafayette look like he belongs in a 90s boy band or what?!
Kris Kross, to be specific.
Especially if he borrows Jason’s wardrobe from Erik…
Gabe talks a lot of shit about the concerns of Vampire-Americans, and sometimes he has a point. But it would be nice if he could occasionally acknowledge his human privilege, you know?
Clearly, I just completed a freshman survey course in Vampire Studies.
NOT JOKING, I actually did take a class in college that was just called “Vampires.” It was an intro to Literary & Cultural Studies course and I took it pass/fail because no duh, it is impossible even for a 19-year-old to take a Vampires course seriously.
I would be dissapointed in anyone who had the opportunity to take a class called “Vampires” and didn’t.
Please tell me this isn’t true. That there wasn’t really a class offered called “Vampires”. Because if this is true…I am officially over so-called advanced education. I might as well get 5 honorary degrees in creative writing. Also, pleasetel
At first when Tommy turned into the alligator and the bodies disappeared, I just assumed he ate them, and I was like, “Huh, that was actually kinda smart?” But then in the next scene they dumped the bodies in the lake, so yeah, he hadn’t eaten them at all…where DID they go when Sheriff Detective Sgt. Andy opened the van doors??? So yeah, I’m glad Gabe pointed that out. Also, this: “And if you want to have some Italian witch from a Barilla ad possess your batik muumuu and make the vampire’s face fall off, that’s fine, but then don’t act all surprised when people are like “the fuck, Marnie?!” Priceless.
Godric’s Swedish accent makes the Swedish Chef on the Muppets sound like the friggin’ Chairman of The Nobel Committee for Literature.
Yeah his Danish accent really shatters the realism of the show for me.
Like we, the educated and worldly viewers of True Blood, wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between Scandinavian accents. Come ON, show.
It’s not a matter of realism. As far as we know, he’s a Danish vampire who tries to speak Swedish. That works for me. 100% realistic as far as I am concerned.
The funny thing to me is that his Swedish is worse than Pam’s. It’s not a big thing and I’m not actually complaining about it. I just find it very amusing to listen to. You’re going to have to excuse me. Native speakers of Swedish get a little too excited when we hear someone speak our language on a TV show.
Hahha no worries, I just thought it was a funny thing to single out in a program full of plot holes and fairy vampire werepanthers. I couldn’t resist.
What I didn’t do was fast forward the entire episode and then rewind the kiss 50 times. Don’t ask me about it, it did NOT happen.
This episode was a mess, which is funny because all the episodes are a mess… but this one was especially bad. At least last week we got gratuitous most nudity.
By the end of last season’s recaps (I do not watch this show, for so many reasons), I thought I had a little bit of a handle of what was going on (maybe 20% understanding?).
But even a couple episode recaps in, I have no idea at all what’s going on anymore. Even ignoring the raping panther people and the witches and the fairies (ha!), I’m so confused. Aren’t the fairy and Vampire Bill supposed to be in luv 4evah4realz? Why is he sleeping with his relatives? I can’t even remember who Vampire Eric is. Why is she in his house? Or vice versa?
I think I need to go lie down.
Good lord! Does anyone know how to un-connect on Facebook? Make it not the default? ARGGGH.
I had to unfriend Videogum on FB and still it shows up. Pay special attention to which name you’re logged in as. I thought it was just Videogum, but it’s happening to a bunch of sites (not that I visit other sites). I think it’s some new Facebook setting no one has figured out how to undo or manipulate. Isn’t this a wordpress site in general? It might have to do with that.
I cleared all my cookies and even then… it’s a major boo, and I’m perfectly willing to believe it’s Facebook’s problem rather than videogum’s. Because facebook is the worst and videogum is the best.
I was under the impression that there was no ceiling on the homoeroticism of this show, until I witnessed Hoyt’s first vaginal orgasm, then I realized there isn’t even a sky, stratosphere, outer space that can limit these cosmonauts.
Gotta love a pseudo-political show’s use of Gil Scott-Heron right after his death. “This show really holds a mirror up to society and forces it to examine itself. Society mad.” –nobody
I think my favorite part was when that chick-related-to-Bill came to visit him and they dismissed his guard, the guard was playing Plants vs Zombie. If you listen carefully, you can hear ‘braaaaaaaaaaaaaaains’ from his phone haha.
Can I go on record a saying that marrying you great-great-great-granddaughter is NOT incest to any degree, and technically not gross for that reason. Genetically speaking they are as related as 5th or 6th cousins or something, and marrying your cousin is pretty not-so-gross in the grand scheme of things. Of course I don’t watch the show though, so maybe I am missing out on some of the grosser intricacies.
Yes. You are now on record as pretty much in favour of men sleeping with their great-great-great-granddaughters. Congratulations!
I’ll bet Marnie’s making plenty of money from all the junior high goth kids that walk up there in groups on half-days and try to impress the cashier with their recent studies of the Satanic Bible (because they are easily confused). That was the only clientele my neighborhood Wiccan corner shop had.
It would be really nice if you could stop triggering repressed memories, thanks.
The funniest part of the entire episode was Jason & Hoyt eating lunch, and jason was like TOO MUCH SEX WITH TOO MANY HOT WOMEN, so god punishes him with being raped. Makes sense. That part made me laugh, and the jesus song that they got for the baby was funny, and the black people joke “What do you mean you people?”. Lots of little things that might make only me laugh, but thats the only reason really to watch it, got to find what amuses you about it.
& Anticipating the showdown between the panther people and the werewolves fighting, or the shapeshifters. There’s too many animals, why not shapeshift into a lion or something and wreck the panther people? Funny thing about this show, animals.
When are they doing a cross-over episode with Gossip Girl?