entourage

This gossip column blind item seems very real and definitely does NOT sound like it was planted by a publicist a few days before a show returns to television. From BuzzFoto:

This group of actors from a hit HBO show were out at a party at a hotel when a girl at the party got so wasted she passed out in the swimming pool. She was allegedly one of the better looking girls at the party and the moment she was out, she was surrounded by a load of men that tried to take her up to their room to ‘recuperate.’ This lead character from the group of actors saw what was happening, grabbed the girl from the man who was carrying her up to his hotel room even though it created a stir, took her to the front desk, bought a room for her, and with the help of his costars, put her in the room and quietly left so she could sleep it off.

Haha. Fake AND gay. Look, I hope this is true. Not because it makes the stupid cast of Entourage look like a bunch of Gentlemen Heroes, but because we do live in a nightmare world full of Actual Rapists, so one human being doing the right thing by another human being is always to be encouraged. (NOTE: what happened here, if what happened here actually happened, should not actually be considered exceptional behavior, it is simply what you should do when you see a goblin trying to steal a princess’s gold.) One might ask the question what was the cast of Entourage doing at a Rapist Hotel Pool Party in the first place but the answer to that question is “they are the cast of Entourage.” In any case, there are so many details here that make this sound like such nonsense! Like, it’s not enough that a girl passed out in a swimming pool and some dudes tried to call dibs on her unconscious body, but she has to be “one of the prettier girls at the party”? Right. And I’m so sure that “it created a stir.” All of the shitheads in their banker-collared shirts were like “Hands off my dinner, Adrien Grenier and whoever plays Turtle!” Such a stir. “NOW WHO ARE WE SUPPOSED TO RAPE?!” Anyway, let’s make up our own Entourage gossip column blind items! I’ll go first:

Which cast of a popular HBO show in which nothing ever happens not even eight years into it rescued all the puppies from a terrible puppy fire? Eye witnesses say that the actor who plays the ridiculous older brother character who doesn’t own a single shirt with sleeves doused himself in liquid cocaine to keep his body temperature low and then ran into the building. Police say they still do not know who started the fire, and that they would not necessarily consider an office wastebasket with one piece of burning paper in it a fire. Nor is it clear yet how all the puppies got onto the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel in the first place.

Which actor who plays a character named after a popular animal was seen giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a dying supermodel at a benefit for Starving Children over the weekend? Attendees to the charity event say that the woman who was the most beautiful woman anyone had ever seen looked at her watch at which point this man jumped over tables shouting “I’ll save her!” By the time the paramedics arrived, the woman was fine, and still the prettiest woman ever and the actor apologized for putting his mouth on hers because he wasn’t trying to take advantage of such a tense situation, he just didn’t want to see another human life end too soon like so many young lives in Africa, a thing about which he cries every night, he said.

Which sushi enthusiast with a history of real mercury poisoning that is real and miraculous baldness-reversal, best known for his horrific, shrieking, homophobic hate-filled tirades on a popular HBO show that rhymes with Aunt Mirage had consensual sex with three separate women at the same top level White House security briefing about America’s progress in defeating Al Qaeda in order to prevent them from being raped? Insiders point out that had he not been busy having consensual sex with the women, there is no telling what might have happened. Another rumor is that he single-handedly killed Osama Bin Laden because he was “classically trained at his parents theater company in Chicago.”

The eighth and final season of Entourage premieres this Sunday on HBO. (Thanks for the tip, Lindsay.)

Comments (33)
  1. Which star of a popular television series that answers the age-old question “what if Sex & the City was for boys?” was recently seen exiting the offices of Manhattan’s hottest therapist? Not so scandalous, you say? Did we mention that the therapist practices without a licence and is also a dog? Looks like our star is barking up the wrong advice tree….

  2. Which star of a popular HBO series whose brother was in an Oscar-Winning movie saw a kitten stuck up a tree and personally climbed the tree to get the kitten, and afterward did not sex with the kitten’s super attractive owner

  3. “call me back when Aquaman raises the debt ceiling.” – a journalist

  4. What actor on a popular cable show is secretly the only defense the world has against lizard people? Although best known for his amazingly fantastic, like, so fantastic your eyes would melt if you watched it, portrayal of a friend/manager of the greatest show that ever existed, he spends what free time he has hunting down the Reptalians amongst us and ending their tyranny over man. Also, the Reptalians eat kittens, so they are totally evil, and he is also saving kittens.

  5. These are really hard, Gabe. Is it Arli$$?

  6. “Which HBO show that ends is run this fall is going to be the next to make it to the big screen, in an honest-to-goodness romp that involves the boys travelling to Europe, where Vince meets his old flame Mandy Moore who is shooting a movie with his other ex Sasha Grey?”

  7. Which star of the popular television show, “Actually Enjoyable to Watch,” just came back from saving the world with his time machine? That’s right, it’s everyone’s favorite actor, Jerry Ferrara. Having invented a time machine out of the popular Zune brand of mp3 players, the studly thespian returned to our time replete with tales of a horrible alternate timeline in which a television show named “Entourage” was entering its eighth season(!). The show was hugely successful despite the lack of sympathetic characters, believable performances, or anything resembling a joke. Wow! I guess our brains and eyeballs can thank him for that! He also apparently killed someone named “Hitler,” a man who was to grow up and attempt to take over the world. No word yet on whether he was also the producer who greenlit “Entourage,” but in this reporter’s estimation, probably.

  8. I wonder if the part about her being “one of the prettier girls at the party” is from a reliable source. The chief of police was quoted as saying “These rapists were clearly not interested in uggos.”

  9. Which lead of a popular HBO show recently grew a set of gills so that he could live in the sea and personally protect each Blue Fin Tuna from going extinct due to overfishing?

  10. “This group of actors from an HBO series I’ve never seen that’s also popular in syndication were able to bravely save a wrinkled, old woman from the clutches of a dragon using only their wits and a rock. After they saved her, the hag revealed herself to be magic, and also not a hag at all, but the most beautiful woman in the world. She offered them her body in gratitude, but they refused, stating that a good deed is it’s own reward.”

  11. Robert Wuhl and Sandra Oh. Total heroe$$.

  12. I never understood the heroic do good blind items. Why are they blind items. The whole point of it being a blind item is because there is something that puts the person in a negative light and making it blind sheilds from liability. Wouldn’t you want people to know you saved a beautiful girl from a pack of rapists?

  13. some other questions arise:

    1) are we sure this isn’t just a leaked episode summary? this sounds like it could be fleshed out to a 22 minute run time. especially if you include the scene where the girl wakes up, realize what happens, tracks down Vince and fucks him out of gratitude.

    2) this seemingly random group of potential rapists, hereby known as “Entourage Viewers”, all at a pool party is kind of suspect. was this the premiere party?

    3) having this story published now gives creedo to these Entourage Viewers, giving them the chance to now tell their friends, “See! I told you i got cock-blocked by Vinnie Chase!” and nobody wants that, do they?

  14. Which star of a popular HBO series whose character dated an adult film star known for taking large black penises in her anal cavity was spotted at the Banana Republic in Culver City trying on the lilac branded polo? Evidently, he forgot his wallet, so the store manager agreed to give the shirt to him in exchange for a hug.

  15. TMZ caught one HBO star on film,sobbing quietly to himself in a dumpster in West Hollywood, with a pistol in his hand, muttering over and over again, “Why, Jamie Lynn, why did you leave me, why??”

  16. This anonymous blog commentator wishes he was a multi-millionaire playboy douche living in Los Angeles rather than posting stupid comments on blog posts

  17. Which star of a popular HBO show all about 5 young men from Queens acting as role models for AXE enthusiasts and those who still, on occasion, refer to young ladies as “beautiful babies,” saved a stranger from being mauled by panther people and consequently siring a new generation of werepanthers? The two young men then spent the evening in the Chateau Marmont, buying rounds of Will.I.Am branded Goldshlager shots for anyone willing to high five them and refer to each one as “bro.”

  18. “Which HBO show sucks but I still watch it even though my girlfriend makes fun of me?”

  19. Which actor who looks like the slow elder sibling of the Jonas brothers is part of the Christian right? Despite his role as a sleazy fame whore on a hit HBO show about sleazy fame whores, Slow Elder Jonas is actually a devout Christian who hasn’t so much as taken a drink, let alone Biblically known a woman (or a man, for that matter, despite what you may have heard). SEJ spends his time at parties (or “Babylons,” as he privately calls them), secretly pouring out his drinks into potted plants and chatting up aspiring starlets in hopes of reforming these Jezebels. So strong is his belief system that he’s managed to convert his entourage into a prayer group. The group spends one day every week handing out tracts to their colleagues, which are “really good for, like, rolling fucking awesome joints,” said one co-star.

    *credit for this goes to my dear non-Monster friend, but hopefully she will become one soon. i’m posting on her behalf.

  20. Who is the mysterious gang of responsible for a spate of kidnapping what have been described as “one of the more attractive unconscious women I have seen being kidnapped by a gang of louts yelling “NO RAPE O” “?A police spokesman said “All we have to go on is that apparently one of them is Matt Dillon’s brother.But Matt Dillon hasn’t got a brother has he?”

  21. is this really the kind of website that calls bad things “gay?” boo on you, gabe.

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