Zach Braff was hacked! From TMZ:

Zach Braff says he’s NOT gay … and insists he’s the victim of a HACKER — who broke on to his website this morning and posted a fake “coming out” statement. The phony statement appeared early Wednesday morning — reading, “I have been hiding a secret inside me for too long. The human mind can only bare so much before it explodes in emotions, and well … it is time to let the world know. I am excited and proud to announce that I am an open member of the homosexual community.”

But Zach’s rep tells TMZ … “He was hacked … that site has been down since 2006.”

HAHAHHAHAHA. You guys, I know that the sexual politics of coming out are very personal and tricky and complicated and that in the age of cyber-harassment it is probably a bad thing to hack into someone’s website and call them gay, but OH MAN, if we can just be 12 years old for a second: someone hacking into a Zach Braff website that HASN’T BEEN UPDATED IN FIVE YEARS ANYWAY and posting a VERY EARNEST COMING OUT STATEMENT is very very funny. I also like to imagine the panicked look on Zach Braff’s face when people started asking him for his GRINDR username. Oh, hackers. You win! Full text of the statement after the jump:

“The human mind can only bare so much before it explodes in emotions.” -Zach Braff’s Tombstone

I know “it gets better,” but this is PRETTY GOOD! (Haha. Booo.)

Comments (50)
  1. Well, it’s obvious that the host of Girls with Low Self Esteem is hiding something.

  2. If ever there was a time for Donald Faison to break his legendary silence it would be right now

  3. Even though he’s gay, he still has taste, and Zach Braff definitely don’t want no scrubs.

  4. I love the hacker who did this, but even more I love the person who exposed it. Imagine being the guy who’s been checking every day for 5 years, hoping for an update, and then being hit with this bombshell.

    • Especially because:

      The guy who’s been checking every day for 5 years, hoping for an update = Zach Braff’s Mom.

    • Comment of a lifetime, facetaco. Comment of a lifetime. And a comment on society in general. You should write this comment down on paper, burn the ashes of it and sell the ashes to James Franco. Because then it’s a comment on a comment. META.

      • “A unique piece, only this one is for sale. The fake Zach Braff coming out statement you are reading is like buying an endless tank of fake Zach Braff coming out statements. No matter where you are, you always have the ability to take a breath of the most delicious, clean-smelling fake Zach Braff coming out statements that the internet can produce. Every breath you take gives you endless peace and health. This fake Zach Braff coming out statement is something to carry with you if you own it. Because wherever you are, you can imagine yourself getting the most beautiful taste of fake Zach Braff coming out statements; it is an endless supply.”

    • “”Oh! Well would you look at that? I almost forgot about this. Makes sense though. He wasn’t fooling anyone…” — Random guy looking reading his new Google Alert for ‘Zack Braff’, ‘explodes in emotions’ and ‘homosexual’

  5. You can tell Zach Braff didn’t actually write that statement, because if he did a manic pixie dream girl would have been introduced in the first paragraph.

  6. I think we all know who wrote it.

  7. So, Fake and Not Gay, basically

  8. “Oh yeah, and a hacker wrote ‘Garden State’ too.” -Zach Braff

  9. So THIS is what Swordfish was about!

  10. “One final job and then I’m out. Now… tell me more about this Zachary Braff?” — Rupert Murdoch

  11. This comments thread is fantastic

  12. “What kind of man are you looking for, Zach?”

    “Well, for one, I don’t want no scrub. A scrub is a guy who can’t get no love from me.”

  13. The Braffster is a wet, whiny fart in human clothes.

    • I find your argument sound.

    • In the words of Dr. Cox,

      Still, you’re not ne-he-hearly as bad as her,
      Do you know how much you annoy me?
      The answer is a lot. Should I list the reasons why? Well, I don’t see why not.
      It’s your hair, your nose, your chinless face, you always need a hug,
      not to mention all the manly appletinis that you chug.
      That you think I am your mentor just continues to perplex
      and, oh my God, stop telling me when you have nerdy sex!

      See now, Newbie, that’s the thing you do that drives me up a tree
      ‘Cause no matter how I rant at you, you never let me be!
      So I’m stuck with all your daydreaming, your wish to be my son.
      It makes me suicidal and I’m not the only one.

  14. Bear, not bare. Right? I mean the soul doesn’t wear clothes.

  15. I don’t know, this shirt is definitely bi-curious:

  16. I wonder what it was that motivated the hacker…. a basic cable showing of Garden State? One too many showings of Scrubs in syndication? Or just a random unprovoked thought about how “gay” Zach Braff is.

  17. Grindr doesn’t operate on a searchable username basis, Gabe.

    - an open and verymuchnotattractedtoZachBraff member of the homosexual community.

  18. My money’s on LulzSec.

  19. I want to take a moment and talk about the little collaged items on the borders of his website! The ticket stub! The old timey film camera! “Zach Braff, Actor and DI-RREC-TOR!”

  20. Zach Braff is very cute but very terrible. Sigh, no one’s even going to read this.

    I tide fashion Good-looking, not expensive

  22. Who the fuck cares! One of the last thing on earth I want to be thinking about is Zach Barf’s sex-life!

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