It’s difficult to be in advertising these days, I imagine. The real world and the advertising world are changing, each edgier and more open than ever, and it seems like in order to have anyone pay attention to your product you really just have to go for it. But only so many companies can nail down Improv Everywhere at one time, you know? So it’s tough. The key, I think, is finding that area that’s right against the line — almost out of your client and target audience’s comfort zone, but in a way that’s exciting and challenging, rather than intimidating and off-putting. It’s what I say in all my seminars. It’s tough to pull off, but when you nail it, it’s clear that you’ve nailed it. For example, this Summer’s Eve commercial featuring a hand posing as a talking vagina asking to be your BFF and get wiped after the gym? NAILED IT!

First of all, sldjfalsdjfalsdhfakjshdaksdfadfasd@@@&@#*#! Second of all, “I’ve tried giving you subtle hints.” Third of all, “VERTICAL SMILE.” Holy shinola! VERTICAL SMILE? SUBTLE HINTS? WHO OK’D THIS? A MAN? Ladies, if you aren’t upset enough about this ad yet, just picture A MAN making it. “This is what ladies will respond to,” he’s probably saying. “Can we get a vagina puppet? What do women like? Puppets? We can’t get a puppet? Well fuck I don’t know then, can you get Cheryl in here? CHERYL?” Hahah. And you might be thinking, “But I have a black vagina. Is there a black vagina I can speak with? I’m not totally sold. I mean, I’m almost sold, but I’d like to speak with a black vagina first.” Well, LOOK NO FURTHER!

And she’s sassy, just like your black vagina is! OMG you relate to this black hand so much, you spend so much time on your haiiiiiir guuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl! BUT WAIT, YOU’RE SAYING YOU HAVE A LATINA VAGINA? TENEMOS SU VAGINA CUBIERTA TAMBIEN CHICA!

AY YI YI! Our vaginas. Are going to be. So. Clean, you gals!

On a different note, it is incredibly hard for me to make the hand vagina with my own hand. I can’t do it at all. Can you do it? Is there something wrong with my hand vagina?

On ANOTHER different note, what body part do you think they could use as a stand-in for a penis? I can’t think of anything. I’ve really been thinking for too long about it. The difficult part is that there aren’t any other body parts with holes at the end, and the hole is going to have to be the stand in for the mouth. I guess you’d just have to put a CG hole on like an arm making a fist, but it would be difficult. I don’t know, I’m not in advertising. But if they do figure out a penis stand in and they want to make products for cleaning your penis specifically, I have a name for that company. They can call it “Summer’s Steve.” THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY YOU’VE BEEN BEAUTIFUL! (Thanks for the tip, cakeordeath!)

PS: Vertical smile.

Comments (66)
  1. In before the first fingering pun.

  2. Well if I’d known you could just use your hand for that, I never would have gotten married!

  3. Fulfill all your wishes with taco-flavored kisses.

  4. I don’t see what’s so weird about this. Men have been using their hands as substitute vaginas forever.

  5. The black vagina spelled “wonder” wrong.

  6. AAAAAH. This is worse than clowns! WORSE. THAN. CLOWNS.

  7. Good news virgins, if you shake hands with a girl, it’s practically third base.

  8. What the what?!?!?!?!

  9. The Vagina Monologues are all, “Not cool.”

  10. This is what Google+ is for. Summer’s Eve should have shared this video with their “Has a vagina but isn’t easily weirded out” Circle.

  11. If anything these aren’t frank enough. Advertisers, take a page from Patton Oswalt’s book.

    Vertical Smile: “I know what you’re thinking- If only there was a product that could dull the pain of my battered, chapped pussy. Write it in the sky with gossamer teardrops. Battered. Chapped. Pussy. ‘Have you heard Summer’s Eve’s latest bon mot? It’s all the rage in the salons.’”

    • Ooof. It’s getting to be that part of my day where my commenting trajectory is becoming questionable. I think this might be it for today.

      On the other hand, we’ve been reading about girls being racist and vertical smile vagina hand models, rock-to-head-bashing gore and Entourage. ENTOURAGE, for God’s sake. This whole COURT’S out of order! What are we supposed to say about this stuff?!

  12. In the 70s, these commercials would have needed hand models with unusually hairy knuckles.

  13. Take a picture of your vagina hand on Instagram and send me the link (@incredimarc)! Or just let me know what your username is (I’m making a list).

  14. Remember when Zach Galifianakis had Natalie Portman on his show Between Two Ferns and, referencing V for Vendetta, he asked her, “Did you have to shave your V for vagina?”? That was a good joke! These ads, on the other hand (HAHA, “hand”! get it?), are terrible!

  15. my vagina hand is very upset it didn’t do well at the audition for these.

  16. Who uses that stuff anyway? Real men rough it out. Summer’s Eve is for pussies.

  17. I know this is completely missing the point, but they messed up so many words in this. Is there really a need to have that third L in Hello? Does it really add extra emphasis? Does the vagina hand think that misspelling simple words will get the person’s attention? ISN’T BEING A VAGINA HAND ENOUGH? On the second one, they felt the need to spell wonder as “wunder”. Really, vagina hand?

    The only way I can possibly rationalize any of this is that they locked some guy in solitary confinement for a month with the only objective being coming up with a marketing campaign for Summer’s Eve douches. This is what he had scribbled on the walls and at the end of the month he was huddled in the corner, talking to his hand and calling it a vagina.

    tl;dr; Vagina hands need to learn how to spell.

  18. Vaginagum.

  19. Ummm… Kelly, these aren’t hands. You really need to get that prescription updated.

  20. Why doesn’t anyone ever call it a vertical frown? Everyone knows vaginas have a full range of feelings just like any other body part.

  21. I’ve got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is doing a Summer’s Eve ad.

  22. Or how about a hooded man in a slicker sitting in a canoe (or woman, probably a woman would be more apropos), commenting on rough waters or some such and sharing trade secrets on how to keep things on the up and up? Put a moon in the background because it’s related to girls, if I’m not mistaken. Right? That has some charm. That has some marketability. Summer’s Eve. Eve can mean nighttime. it all works.

    Hmm. But then you would have to invest in a canoe and a slicker, and some sort of body of water. It’d be a night shoot because of the moon. Yeah, a lot of logistics for a lot of subtext and symbolism.

    A woman making a talking vagina is definitely a cheaper way to advertise Summer’s Eve, but sometimes that cash should be spent for a reason.

  23. Kelly, it is nice to have a feminine perspective around here! Now I’ll step aside and wait for the “I’d hit that vagina hand” and “that vagina hand is hot” comments.

  24. “We are a severely under-represented minority” – Asian American vagina hands

  25. I feel like you shouldn’t say “Nailed It” so much when talking about vagina hands.

  26. If you’re the kind of person who is “neglecting” her vagina and/or needs a special soap just for her vagina, then I don’t think a talking vagina hand is going to help.

  27. I always thought “vertical smile” as a phrase only existed between me and my college fraternity brothers. Because whenever I said it to anyone else, they were very confused and very offended.

    Also, yikes!

  28. I only WISH they were Improve Everywhere. More like Annoy Everywhere, amirite?

  29. These are just the worst.

  30. “Summer’s Eve. For when your Senor Wences offends the senses.”

  31. Summer’s Eve: Because those bikini trimmer ads with the messy hedges turning into neat triangles weren’t explicit enough to ruin my lighthearted TV watching.


    I tide fashion
    not expensive
    Free transport

  33. Vertical smile?
    I prefer “Gurning chimp”.

  34. If you’re the kind of person who is “neglecting” her vagina and/or needs a special soap just for her vagina, then I don’t think a talking vagina hand is going to help.

  35. These are just the worst.
    try this

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