Look, nerds, we all love superheroes, OK? There are probably one or two of us who don’t love superheroes, but based on the number of superhero movies they release each year and the amount of money those superhero movies make, it’s pretty clear that give or take one or two sourpusses, pretty much all of us love these wonderful characters. That being said, we all know that these guys aren’t real, right, nerds? That they are make believe and do not exist? And so that when things happen to them in comic books or in movies those things aren’t actually happening and are just stories? Because this article from TMZ that treats the “breakup” of Superman and Lois Lane like a real thing makes me wonder if everyone knows that. From TMZ:

Maria and Arnold … J.Lo and Marc Anthony … and now Superman and Lois Lane are officially KAPUT … TMZ has learned. Seriously. [Ed. note: No, TMZ, not seriously.]

Sources at DC Comics tell us … the company is rebooting the Superman comic book series in September — with a brand new Superman #1 — in the hopes of creating a new starting point for fans with more modern, relevant story lines. And there are some HUGE developments … including the fact that Lois and Clark are NOT together. In fact, we’re told Lois has new boyfriend.

But perhaps even more shocking — NO MORE RED UNDERWEAR!!!! Instead, new Superman (see photo) will sport an all blue bodysuit with his trademark red cape. Still, we gotta ask … Is that Kryptonite in his pocket … or is he just happy to see us? [Ed. note: You definitely gotta ask!]

Maria and Arnold. J-Lo and Marc Anthony. The end. How wonderful for those two very real couples who are going through very real public divorces to be lumped together with a comic book couple. I hope Superman has a secret family! (It is worth pointing out, in typical nerd-style, that if they are rebooting the whole series and Superman and Lois Lane aren’t together, then that doesn’t even mean they broke up necessarily, because in the reimagined world maybe they were never together in the first place, but also they are not real and this is not real. Seriously.) Anyway, don’t worry, nerds, Superman and Lois Lane didn’t break up. Because they can’t! No duh.

Comments (28)
  1. Do not take Kryptonite®if you are taking other galactic radioactive substances. If you have a crippling loss of superpowers for more than four hours, call a doctor.

  2. Superman is fake, and yet somehow I still have a stronger emotional response to his heartbreak that to J Lo’s.

    • Not to make light of what I’m sure is a painful situation for two real life humans, but I’m a little bit glad that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are divorcing because I think that should lessen the amount of pictures of Marc Anthony in magazines that I might look at while getting my hair cut or waiting at doctor’s offices. He’s ghoulish-looking and he scares me. Whenever I saw those pictures I wanted to yell at J.Lo* to run away.

      *I can’t do a nickname with my name this way or it would be P.War and that’s gross :( If my bf and I get married and I change it it would be P.Ham, still gross :(

  3. Why would Superman have kryptonite in his pocket? That doesn’t even make sense, TMZ! If you’re going to be terrible, at least be terrible in a rational way!

  4. I would agree, but the fact that I was actually saddened by Spiderman’s One More Day storyline, I might not be the best one to talk.

  5. I can’t even think of a weak joke to use as an excuse to post this, so I’m going to go ahead and just put it up and let you wrap your mind around it however you see fit:

  6. Really? A full “paragraph” devoted to his junk? STOP THE PRESSES! Superheroes wear tight suits! Inside: Wonder Woman has TITS! More at 11. We’ll be right back!

  7. Whatever. Lois Lane’s a horrible person, anyway. This news does not sadden me in the least. Superman’s better off without that starfucker around, anyway. Harrumph.

    • I was at Jacob Riis park on the Rockaways yesterday, and a woman came up to be and told me that because I was wearing a silver swimsuit I was a starfucker, and was talmbout the “color code of the gays”.

      So there’s that.

  8. You know, as stupid as this is, and it is very stupid, at least this “couple” is part of an ongoing narrative, so within that nerdverse this is “big news” I feel similar incredulity whenever “big developments” in the Archie series are reported on ACTUAL news programmes.

    However, neither of these has infuriated me more than this. From Wikipedia:

    “In February, 2004, Mattel announced a split for Ken and Barbie, with Russell Arons, vice president of marketing at Mattel, saying that Barbie and Ken “feel it’s time to spend some quality time – apart…Like other celebrity couples, their Hollywood romance has come to an end”, though Arons indicated that the duo would “remain friends”. He also hinted that the separation might be partially due to Ken’s reluctance to getting married. In February, 2006 however, a revamped version of the Ken doll was launched, and it appeared that their relationship was official again.”

    ARAURUAGUURGH.

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